tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28627106664487280682024-02-19T08:12:10.732-08:00Mental NotesMichael Freels, a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, offers personal clinical insights on mental health issues and concerns that readers have. Including relationships, parenting, stress, substance abuse counseling and managing your emotional life. Questions and comments are welcome.Michael Freelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12986792656856492021noreply@blogger.comBlogger134125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2862710666448728068.post-84047987780435470462016-05-04T11:57:00.000-07:002016-05-05T09:59:54.925-07:00Summer "School" (reposted)<strong><span style="color: #993300; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 130%;">There are so many ways to make this an enriching summer for your kids, it's not funny. But you can relax and have fun with it. I have written about this before (see my postings: <em>Summer Play School,</em> 5/11/08<em>; School's Out Soon, What To Do,</em> 5/20/07), that you can use the summer months off from school to help your child learn some things that they didn't get during the normal school year. This can include practice or remedial work in specific school subjects that they didn't do well in (or even moving ahead academically in preparation for the upcoming school year). You can help them learn behavioral skills, like organization, study skills, impulse control, focus and concentration. You can help them improve their social/emotional development, IE. anger management, personal responsibility, empathy, self-esteem, unresolved grief work. And even though these are serious concerns, they (and you) can have fun with it. I develop these types of plans with families that I work with. But you can do it on your own. Get creative. Be patient.</span></strong><br />
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<strong><span style="color: #993300; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 130%;">Teenagers can be the most difficult to "trick" into learning something you want them to learn. It is best to collaborate with them on their personal growth "project." They'll appreciate you respecting their input, and be less inclined to fight you on it. In fact, you can let them take the lead, after you agree on the goals. This also gives you an opportunity to improve communication between you two, without the additional stress of school (IE. school expectations and responsibilities). Pre-teens and younger children can be easier, as "play" is a primary mode of functioning for them. You will be more effective gaining their participation if it's in play mode. For young and old children, rewards that are meaningful TO THEM will facilitate your success. </span></strong><br />
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<strong><span style="color: #993300; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 130%;">By the end of the summer, be sure to acknowledge your child's efforts, emphasizing the progress they've made. Celebrate them. Then develop the goals, plans and rewards for the upcoming school year. The time and energy that you put into it beforehand will help minimize the frustrations that you both experience during the year. The summer break should be a time away from the demands of school for you and your child. It is also an opportunity for you both. </span></strong>Michael Freelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12986792656856492021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2862710666448728068.post-66205643839314574842015-11-15T09:16:00.000-08:002015-11-16T10:42:10.782-08:00It's SAD,... But It Can Be Fixed.<div align="justify">
<span style="font-family: "arial";"><strong><span style="color: #b45f06;">Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) effects quite a few people at this time of the year. Such people often have symptoms of depression that seem to be triggered by the late fall and winter seasons. This is especially people who live in the northern climates, and are effected by the colder weather, shorter days, longer nights, and overall less sunshine. Often people who have relocated to sunnier climates continue to be effected by SAD at this time of the year. Symptoms typically include withdrawal and isolation (the bad weather makes it easier to stay in a lot), depression, negative and pessimistic thinking, no enjoyment in life, excessive sleeping and/or insomnia, decreased romantic interest. Sometimes it gets so bad the person is unable to function and care for themselves. Then by springtime, it all gets better. </span></strong></span><br />
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<span style="color: #b45f06; font-family: "arial";"><strong>People also suffer from SAD at other times of the year. This could be determined by seasonal changes in a person's life growing up. For example, if you spent the summer in a stressful environment growing up, the distressing feelings can return at that time of the year. Or the feelings related to a tragedy, or significant loss that occurred can be "relived" at that particular time of the year. Also the symptoms can be different. Some people report feeling manicky ('hyper', obsessive, grandiose or rapid thinking, increased gambling or drug/alcohol use, pursuit of superficial relationships, excessive spending ). If you experience such symptoms to the extent that they interfere with your life (and it can get pretty bad, sometimes requiring hospitalization), i.e. your relationships, job, overall happiness, then you do need to fix it.</strong></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial";"><strong><span style="color: #000099;"><a href="http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/seasonal-affective-disorder/DS00195/DSECTION=8"><span style="color: #b45f06;">Light therapy </span></a><span style="color: #b45f06;">is </span></span></strong><strong><span style="color: #000099;"><span style="color: #b45f06;">recommended as a treatment based on the theory that the decreased exposure to light in the winter influences certain brain chemicals that trigger depression. Even exposure to increased sunlight (like at the beach) can be helpful. I often suggest that people try </span><a href="http://www.hypericum.com/"><span style="color: #b45f06;">St. John's Wort</span></a><span style="color: #b45f06;">, </span></span></strong><strong><span style="color: #b45f06;">which is an herb used to treat mild to moderate depression, and symptoms of stress. Some have had good success taking this in tea, or pill form. Psychotherapy helps, as may medication. To "fix it" long term, you should consider some lifestyle changes. Preparing for that time of the year (winter or other times) is very helpful. Try to reduce your overall stress levels at that time; have supportive people and relationships in your life; exercise; plan enjoyable activities; be aware of early signs rather than waiting until you're in the middle of a depression before taking action. Don't miss out on the happiness that you deserve, and is so important in our lives, not even for a few months.</span></strong></span></div>
Michael Freelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12986792656856492021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2862710666448728068.post-20684072949463049282015-10-23T09:21:00.000-07:002015-10-24T08:27:28.394-07:00The MARRIAGE REPAIR KIT Book (Excerpt)<div align="center">
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<strong><span style="color: purple; font-size: large;">PROLOGUE</span></strong></div>
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<strong><span style="color: purple; font-size: large;"><em><u>EVAN AND PAT</u> (these are fictional characters)</em></span></strong></div>
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<strong><em><span style="color: purple; font-size: large;">Evan is 47 years old. Pat is 44. They've been married for 12 years, after having lived together for 5 years (together a total of 17 years). Both agree that the last 3 years have been the worst of their lives. Certainly the worst 3 years of their marriage.</span></em></strong><br />
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<strong><em><span style="color: purple; font-size: large;">They've been discussing separation and divorce. Evan wants a "trial" separation. Pat says if they separate, they should divorce.</span></em></strong><br />
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<strong><em><span style="color: purple; font-size: large;">Pat says that Evan is mean and verbally aggressive when they argue. That it has gotten worse in the past 6 months. Sometimes Pat feels physically threatened. Evan has never hit Pat, and adamantly denies ever considering it. Says it would never happen.</span></em></strong><br />
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<strong><em><span style="color: purple; font-size: large;">Evan accuses Pat of being "too sensitive" lately, too emotionally needy. That Pat shuts down when Evan is trying to "communicate". Both say they love each other, but are no longer "in love". Pat also feels that Evan is having an "emotional affair" with a coworker, and Pat brings this up when they argue. Pat saw some messages in Evan's Facebook Messaging that were suspicious. Evan denies any infidelity; and is resentful of Pat's invasion of Evan's privacy.</span></em></strong><br />
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<strong><em><span style="color: purple; font-size: large;">Pat found this Marriage Repair Kit on-line. They agreed to give it a try.</span></em></strong><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><strong>If you or someone that you care about could use some help fixing their relationship, then you should get (My first Ebook) <u>The MARRIAGE REPAIR KIT Book</u>. Purchase it today for $4.99 by going to : <span style="color: red;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 10pt;"><a href="http://www.e-junkie.com/300512"><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">http://www.e-junkie.com/300512</span></a><u5:p></u5:p></span></strong><o:p></o:p><br />
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Michael Freelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12986792656856492021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2862710666448728068.post-65796192322430644312015-09-15T11:14:00.000-07:002015-09-16T10:50:22.943-07:00ACTUALIZE YOUR DREAMS<span lang="EN"><span style="color: purple; font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><strong></strong></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><strong>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><strong>Unfortunately many of us have given up on our dreams. Not only our dreams, but we've stopped dreaming. While growing up most of us had ideas about what would make us happy. We dreamt. Many of the dreams we had as kids may not be appropriate for us now as adults. But we still deserve to be happy. </strong></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><strong>Take time now to assess how happy you are in your life and how happy you would like to be. Identify what you would like to have in your life that would help you achieve your happiness. Be specific. Identify the types of family and personal relationships you would like to have in your life. What would you like to be doing for work? For play? Where would you want to be living? What do you want your health to be like? Where do you want to be spiritually? </strong></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><strong>Write this stuff down, and don't limit yourself. Dream. </strong></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><strong>These dreams become achievable goals once you start working towards them. So, for example, you will begin to form the relationships you really want rather than feeling stuck in relationships that are not working for you. You will be more aware of how and what you eat. You will be more conscious of your habits, the ones you plan to keep, and those you need to break. You can determine if exercise fits into your plans. You will be more aware of possible job opportunities that you might even enjoy.</strong></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><strong> This process helps you focus your life activities towards reaching your goals. Towards fulfilling your dreams. Now is the best time to figure out where you're headed.</strong></span></span>Michael Freelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12986792656856492021noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2862710666448728068.post-27843586357666523412015-09-01T07:00:00.000-07:002015-09-01T10:30:03.438-07:00Communication: Learn How To Fight (reprinted)<span style="color: #4c1130;">Resolving conflict safely is key to maintaining a happy healthy relationship. It is not so easy sometimes. Your partner may not understand what you're trying to say. Your teen may not want to hear it. And you may not feel like having the same argument YET AGAIN! Don't do it. Try these suggestions (adapted from </span><a href="http://www.about.com/"><span style="color: #4c1130;">www.About.com</span></a><span style="color: #4c1130;">).</span><br />
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<span style="color: #4c1130;">1.<strong>Stay Focused</strong>. Stay on the topic in the present. Don't bring up old issues or future possibilities. That will distract you from the issue at hand, and makes the discussion more stressful. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #4c1130;">2. <strong>Listen carefully</strong>. We often think we're listening when really we're waiting for them to finish so we can say what we want to say. Try to really pay attention to what your partner (or child) is saying. Show them that you understand by repeating back to them what you heard. Have them do that too. That way you can be sure you're both on the same page. Also don't interrupt, and don't get defensive. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #4c1130;">3.<strong>Try to see their point of view.</strong> Try to see the other person's side of things, even if you feel they're wrong. Look for what might be true in what they're saying, that can be good information for you. They'll also be more open to understanding your side of things.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #4c1130;">4<strong>. Respond to criticism with empathy</strong>. Criticism is hard to hear sometimes. It's often exaggerated or colored by the other person’s emotions. Listen for the other person’s pain or fears, and respond with empathy for their feelings. Consider their feelings in how you respond to them.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #4c1130;">5.<strong> Own what's yours</strong>. Both participants usually share some responsibility for the conflict. Admit when you're wrong. It diffuses the situation, sets a good example, and shows maturity. Often the other person will do the same.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #4c1130;">6.<strong> Use "I" messages</strong>. Rather than blaming the other person for your feelings, begin statements with </span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130;">"I", and make them about yourself and your feelings. Rather than "<em>You make me mad</em>." Try "<em>I feel frustrated when you do that." </em>They'll feel less attacked, less defensive and more cooperative. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #4c1130;">7.<strong> Look for compromise</strong>. Instead of trying to "win" the argument, look for solutions that meets both parties' needs. Healthy communication involves finding a solution that both sides can be happy with.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #4c1130;">8. <strong>Take a time-out. </strong>If you see the discussion turning into a heated argument, take a break to cool off. But you have to get back to the discussion to resolve it, so you're not having the same argument repeatedly.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #4c1130;">9. <strong>Don't give up</strong>. This one should have been first. If you care about the person you're disagreeing with don't give up on them (nor yourself). Good communication makes better relationships, and good relationships are fun.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #4c1130;">10. <strong>Ask for help if you need it</strong>. If you guys aren't getting anywhere., or if you or your partner have trouble staying respectful (or have anger management issues), see a therapist. He can help you develop good communication skills, and help remove obstacles that you may not be aware of.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #4c1130;"><u>Remember</u>: <strong>You don't have to attend every argument you're invited to.</strong></span><br />
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<br />Michael Freelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12986792656856492021noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2862710666448728068.post-60478473276553774682015-08-10T14:49:00.000-07:002015-08-11T09:36:30.229-07:00MAKE ROOM FOR OPTIMISM<span style="color: #783f04; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>I have written about optimism and positive thinking before (see <i>How About A Little More Positivity...</i>1/1/11; <i>When Life Gives You Lemons, </i>8/28/08; <i>The Glass Is Not Empty, </i>3/11/08), so I'll try not to be repetitive. However there are some subjects that need to be revisited from time to time. If we don't take a few minutes to reflect on certain ideas, they can easily be lost. In the case of positive thinking it seems there's a lot of things fighting against it DAILY! Not only in our personal lives, but all around us. And the media and internet often treats negativity and the sad events in the world like entertainment. Serving it up to us 24/7/365.</b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #783f04; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>You have got to make room for optimism, or you can't help but get depressed. We need to find things to smile about, that make us feel good. things that make all of our hard work living from day-to-day, worth it. I don't mean to live in denial. Yes, there is bad stuff going on in the world. Force yourself to acknowledge the good things in your life also. Allow yourself to expect good outcomes, and you'll have more of them. It's not magic (though it can feel magical).</b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #783f04; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>When you are optimistic you are happier. You tend to consider more choices as possible, and thereby have more successes. And it's not that you're making things up to be positive about, there are actual things in the world, in your life, to be positive about. So make room for it.</b></span><br />
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</b></span>Michael Freelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12986792656856492021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2862710666448728068.post-24412613820986627292015-07-20T11:22:00.000-07:002015-07-23T09:22:23.191-07:00It's Not Where You're From, It's Where You're Going.<strong><span style="color: #006600; font-size: 130%;"> <span style="color: #783f04;"> I heard this in a song recently. I know it may sound strange for a psychologist to suggest that you don't need to focus on your past in order to fix things in your life. I believe this is absolutely true. As you know, I do believe that we all carry some baggage. And I do sometimes explore relevant past issues with clients, to help them understand how they got to where they are. But often, rather than explore painful past events which can interfere with personal progress, we can focus on fixing things in the present and moving forward from there. One may say, "But the things that happened in my past, make me do the things I do now. They're causing me problems today." Very probably they are. And since we can't go back and change things, let's change what we're doing. Definitely things that may have happened to us as children, directly influence our current behavior, thoughts, and feelings. As children we had little or no control over what happened to us. We were powerless. Our environments (including the people around us) impacted us and our lives. As adults that has changed. We can have a lot more control over our environment, including where we work, live and play, and the people with whom we do those things. Also much more control over what we think and believe. </span></span></strong><br />
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<strong><span style="color: #783f04; font-size: 130%;"> The idea is to break the bad habits that we've developed (I previously discuss "habits" in my previous postings, PSYCH 101: <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">OCD</span>, 2/21/08; and ANGER MANAGEMENT, 9/17/07). Yes, the childhood influences, often reinforced as we mature, are very strong. Habits are hard to break. But you can do it if you are highly motivated and focused (and get help if you need it). </span></strong><br />
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<strong><span style="color: #783f04; font-size: 130%;"> This applies to relationships too. Many of the couples that I work with come in focused on their past problems in the relationship (not even the current ones). I consider past problems as <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">symptomatic</span> of the bad relationship then (usually communication and trust issues), and suggest leaving that behind as we look forward and build towards a happier, more loving relationship. Typically some forgiveness is required in order for this to work (see my postings on forgiveness: 5/22/08, 10/1/07, and 7/15/07). The bad habits we develop with each other in relationships are often as bad (unhealthy) as bad personal habits, and may be more difficult to break. So get going, and don't look back! </span></strong><br />
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<strong><span style="color: #006600; font-size: 130%;"><br /></span></strong>Michael Freelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12986792656856492021noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2862710666448728068.post-4371914735561959022015-06-27T08:46:00.000-07:002015-06-29T10:41:35.048-07:00Take A Moment, ... BREATHE (And RELAX)!<div align="justify">
<span class="Apple-style-span"><b><span class="Apple-style-span"> <span style="color: #783f04; font-size: large;">Take a minute,</span></span><span style="color: #783f04; font-size: large;"> now while you're reading this, to take a breath. Slowly into your stomach. Your lungs extend down about to your navel, so to fill them with air you expand your stomach. This type of breathing is different than how we usually breathe. What I call Relaxation Breathing (more formally called diaphragmatic breathing), fills your lungs causing them to expand. Breathe slowly and deeply into your stomach. You push your belly out when you inhale, and then flatten it as you exhale (pushing the air out out of your lungs). This type of breathing forces your body to relax. </span></b></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #783f04; font-size: large;"><b> I do this as often as possible, because I, like most people don't usually use our lungs much when we breathe. I recommend it to people whenever I can. It helps counteract the effects of stress. I mean, it slows down your heart rate, lowers your blood pressure, gets more oxygen to your brain, and generally improves your health. This Relaxation Breathing helps you control anxiety (and anxiety attacks), get to sleep, manage your anger better, improve focus and concentration, get rid of headaches and helps fix the symptoms of some of those more serious stress related ailments (including obsessive thinking, irritable bowel syndrome, ulcers, hypertension, pain, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">ADHD</span>, and more). </b></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: #783f04; font-size: large;"> It seems to me to be one of the simplest things to do to improve your health, and your life. But you have to practice it. I know you breathe all the time (hopefully), but daily stress causes us to restrict our breathing. Notice how an infant breathes when asleep, as if their whole body is expanding and contracting. This is how we all started out. Try it whenever you can. It's one of those easy things like drinking water (to clean out body toxins) and walking (exercise) that there really is no excuse for not doing. Go ahead, BREATHE. And if you happen to yawn afterwards, that's your body thanking you!</span></b></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Here is a video demonstration:</span></b></span></div>
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gSjHha1fgF0&feature=email"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><b>http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gSjHha1fgF0&feature=email</b></span></a></div>
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Michael Freelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12986792656856492021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2862710666448728068.post-52660057239177506592015-01-29T11:45:00.000-08:002015-01-29T11:45:30.202-08:00REPAIR YOUR MARRIAGE <span lang="EN"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">First thing you have to know is that you can't do it by yourself. For this Marriage Repair plan to work your partner HAS to participate. Just like they did in helping you get to this point. It would also help (a lot) if you still love each other. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">1. Establish a time frame within which each of you agree to work hard to fix the marriage. 3, 6, 12 months. Whatever works best for you. Of course you'll monitor progress during that time. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">2. No arguing. It's Ok to disagree. But discuss, and not fight. End the discussion if it looks to be turning into a fight. Revisit and resolve the problem at a less heated time.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">3. You both identify 3 things: (1)what you like that your partner does and want them to keep doing, (2) what you want them to do more of, and (3) what you want them to do less of. Then do what your partner asks. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">4. Commit 100% to the plan. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">5. Give each other the benefit of the doubt. Assume each other is trying their best, even when it feels like you're trying harder. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">6. IMPROVE COMMUNICATION. Yes, this is the most important part of your plan. It may be the most difficult. Not arguing will help. Listen, listen, listen. Repeat back to your partner what you heard them say before you respond. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">7. No mind-reading. Even though you "know" what they're thinking. This will give them room to change. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">8. Overdo the attention, affection, and appreciation. Say 'thank you' more. Say 'I love you' more. Even if you have to fake it until you feel it. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">9. Date night (or day) at least once a week. This helps remind you of how much you can enjoy each other. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">10. BE PATIENT WITH EACH OTHER.</span></span><br />
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<span lang="EN"><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: large;">SPECIAL NOTE: Passionate, loving, mutually satisfying sex can help facilitate the relationship repair.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">It's always best to be focused on the present, and on your happiness moving forward. Leave the past behind, and consider forgiveness (for yourself and your partner) as needed. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times; font-size: large;">Please feel free to comment, or ask questions here or on Facebook <a href="https://www.facebook.com/pages/Freels-Mental-Health-Group/155186571209581">https://www.facebook.com/pages/Freels-Mental-Health-Group/155186571209581</a>. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times; font-size: large;">Also with Valentines Day coming (February 14th), you'll want to get started on your repair work. Just sayin'...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"> </span></span>Michael Freelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12986792656856492021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2862710666448728068.post-4032218880836100212014-12-31T11:40:00.001-08:002014-12-31T11:40:32.214-08:00IF I WERE TO SUGGEST RESOLUTIONS FOR 2015...<span style="color: #b45f06;"><b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"> I would keep in mind that most New Years resolutions last as long as the first time we get confronted with actually making the change. So, maybe stop smoking, until you "really" need one. Or start exercising, until you "just don't have the time". But I do think that EVERYBODY can take a small first step towards changing their bad habits, or developing new good ones. And the beginning of the year is as good a time as any to get started.</span></span></b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #b45f06;"><b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"> So here we go. Remember: baby steps. Here's a few New Years resolutions for you to choose from. At least one...</span></span></b></span><br />
<span style="color: #b45f06;"><b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">1. I will be more conscious of my habits, and their consequences regarding my relationships, health, and work.</span></span></b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #b45f06;"><b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">2. I will proactively manage my stress better, and get help if I need it BEFORE it's too late.</span></span></b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #b45f06;"><b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">3. I will be sure to show the people who I love that I do, by how I treat them. </span></span></b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #b45f06;"><b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">4. I will learn more about what I eat, and take steps to improve my diet. To eat healthier.</span></span></b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #b45f06;"><b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">5. I will drink more water.</span></span></b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #b45f06;"><b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">6. I will exercise.</span></span></b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #b45f06;"><b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">7. I will control my anger, including apologizing to anyone who's been negatively impacted by it.</span></span></b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #b45f06;"><b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">8. I will consider forgiveness (even if I won't ever forget).</span></span></b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #b45f06;"><b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">9. I will worry less.</span></span></b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #b45f06;"><b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">10. I will make an ongoing effort to consider the POSITIVE possibilities in all situations that I'm involved in.</span></span></b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #b45f06;"><b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I am sure that you've come up with some of your own. If you have or haven't, consider the ones listed here. Our goal is a happy, healthy, more compassionate 2015. </span></span></b></span>Michael Freelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12986792656856492021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2862710666448728068.post-20477255079434560912014-08-28T11:20:00.000-07:002014-08-28T11:20:54.969-07:005 MORE TRICKS TO HELP MANAGE JOB STRESS (continued)<span style="color: #990000; font-size: large;"><strong>As you know, stress effects us daily. Job stress is different because we choose to go to work, usually because we have to, so we just get used to the personal demands of the job. We expect it, anticipate it. So sometimes it surprises us when we start having the ill effects of this daily grind. It effects our health. Our relationships. Our overall happiness. Here's a few more ways to control that stress.</strong></span><br />
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<strong><span style="color: #990000; font-size: large;">6. GET A LIFE OUTSIDE OF WORK. Our jobs often tend to extend beyond the normal work hours. In addition to taking work home, we can also think (or worry) about it when we're not there. Also (hopefully) taking time to recover from the exhaustion that's caused by a stressful job. Our lives can tend to revolve around our work. However, if our whole life is our job, and that job isn't very enjoyable, then our whole life isn't enjoyable. Develop other interests. Hang out with friends. Pay attention to your partner (date night?). Go out with your family. Exercise. Then you have other things to think about, and to do. Something to look forward to after work. This will help reduce your overall stress, including your work stress.</span></strong><br />
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<strong><span style="color: #990000; font-size: large;">7. LET A PICTURE MAKE YOU SMILE. Either on your desk, or in your pocket (or in your phone), have a picture that's guaranteed to make you smile. Baby pictures work well, or a pet, or a beautiful memory. When your frustration is building at work, or disappointments are mounting up, take a look at the picture. Let it make you feel good, as well as remind you of the REALLY important things in your life.</span></strong><br />
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<strong><span style="color: #990000; font-size: large;">8. DON'T BUY INTO THE NEGATIVITY OF OTHERS. This is not always easy. Especially if you are already stressed, not really happy at the time (for your own reasons). You may readily engage in their negativity to help rationalize your distress. Let toxic coworkers know not to bring you their drama, their complaints, their gossip. It may be difficult at first to set boundaries for them, and you may lose them as work compadres (aka frienemies), but you'll be better off.</span></strong><br />
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<strong><span style="color: #990000; font-size: large;">9. STOP SEEING YOURSELF AS STUCK IN A "DEAD END" JOB. Develop a different perspective of the job, and of yourself in the job. The way you characterize your job exists in your head. You are in control of what goes on in there (though it may not feel like it sometimes). If your job is getting you down, realize that you are allowing that to happen. Take action. Acknowledge it as the challenge that it is, then rise to meet the challenge. Focus on the opportunities to be successful, and take pride in your ability to overcome obstacles even in the worst situations. Even though you may not like the job, it's always better when you feel good about yourself. </span></strong><br />
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<strong><span style="color: #990000; font-size: large;">10. DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF. And there is so much "small stuff" that if you aren't careful, it will build up and wear you out. That's called BURNOUT. So be mindful that the big things, for example a possible layoff, poor work evaluation, or an impending promotion, deserve your attention. The small stuff may require a certain amount of work to resolve, but does not deserve your sweat, or worry, or stress. So deal with it and forget it. Move on. You will do a better job, and you will feel better.</span></strong>Michael Freelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12986792656856492021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2862710666448728068.post-18313051482672632872014-08-03T11:11:00.001-07:002014-08-04T13:41:11.318-07:0010 Tricks To Help You Manage Job Stress<span style="color: #b45f06; font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"> <strong> I'm sure you're wondering, "why does he call these 'tricks'"? Well, our bodies/mind/spirit are designed to be healthy and happy. Stress can interfere with that. We've pretty much been trained to accept stress, because it ain't going nowhere. Especially job stress. So we end up tolerating much more stress than we should, which negatively impacts our bodies, minds, and spirits. So these tricks will help you take control of the stress (since much of the work stress is not under your control) that is beating you down.</strong></span><br />
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<strong><span style="color: #b45f06; font-family: Times; font-size: large;">1. BREATHE! I love to say to people, 'check your breathing'. You do it now. Notice that you're not breathing deeply (as we were designed). As a result, you can't relax; you get tired or bored or distracted because you're not getting enough oxygen to your brain; and you start to get crabby. When you are at work take a deep breath (or several) throughout the day. It will immediately help counter the effects of stress. It'll be 'like a breath of fresh air!'</span></strong><br />
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<strong><span style="color: #b45f06; font-family: Times; font-size: large;">2. REWARD YOURSELF FOR SURVIVING MONDAY. Mondays are tough for everyone. So much so that we start stressing about it on Sunday. Plan an activity, special lunch or dinner, outing with a friend, a date, after work massage, favorite dessert, something guaranteed to make you feel GREAT. It gives you something to look forward to as you suffer through the day. You deserve it.</span></strong><br />
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<strong><span style="color: #b45f06; font-family: Times; font-size: large;">3. IDENTIFY THE BIGGEST PROBLEM AT YOUR JOB. Pick a favorite song or tune to have available in your head to use when you encounter that situation, or person. Hum the tune (probably best if you hum to yourself) when you need it. Smile, and allow yourself to enjoy the moment.</span></strong><br />
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<strong><span style="color: #b45f06; font-family: Times; font-size: large;">4. ACKNOWLEDGE THE GOOD REASONS THAT YOU STAY AT THIS JOB. Remember, you're CHOOSING to stay. Likely because the income helps support your family; health benefits; someone's going to college; you like to go out once in a while; you like to shop. Don't focus on the negatives about the job. You'll feel better, less stressed. </span></strong><br />
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<strong><span style="color: #b45f06; font-family: Times; font-size: large;">5. THE WEEK AIN'T OVER ON FRIDAY. Our lives too often revolve around the job. Get a life outside of work, and indulge yourself in that from Friday evening to Sunday night. Don't work on the weekend, even if you usually do work from home. Even though your job is important, it is only a PART of your life. If you lose your job you will get another one. If you were to lose your health, your family, your friends, or your fun you'd be very unhappy. Remember: All work and no play makes for a dull (and stressed out) life. </span></strong><br />
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<strong><span style="color: #b45f06; font-family: Times; font-size: large;"> ~ TO BE CONTINUED ~</span></strong>Michael Freelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12986792656856492021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2862710666448728068.post-87217121032225813262014-07-03T13:35:00.000-07:002014-07-07T12:05:51.201-07:00Video Games, ... Good and Bad<div align="justify">
<span style="color: #000099; font-family: arial;"><strong> <span style="color: #783f04; font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">In my opinion video games are good because they provide hours of enjoyment for people young and old. They can be bad (for young people) for the same reason, "hours of enjoyment," when some of those hours can be spent learning to enjoy activities that have some long term positive benefit. Physical exercise, reading, drawing, playing a musical instrument, cooking, social development (ie. friends), earning money (at home or in the community), conversation, museum visits, etc. But for children to sit and enjoy hours of violent, sometimes sexually provocative, escape from reality, these video games are not good for them. Now, of course we can all use some occasional escapism. But some of these games are just too much for young minds to be exposed to for hours at a time. It has to influence their thinking/feeling some. Anything that a child spends many hours focusing on daily, becoming emotionally involved with, not only influences their thinking, but their behavior. This also goes for the music they listen to, the movies they watch, and internet sites that they visit.</span></strong></span></div>
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<strong><span style="color: #783f04; font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"> You do not have to cut it all out (unless you have to), but you should be aware of what they are being exposed to in your home and in the homes of their friends. A lot of parents don't think about what their kids may be getting at their friend's house. Figure out how to check that out. And add some balance to your kid's video time. For example, for each hour of video games, an hour of reading or studying. Maybe they earn video game time by doing chores, or by getting good grades. Expose them to other activities, and perhaps participate with them. I don't want to mention any specific games, but I heard this morning about a game that focuses on one person stabbing another, for some reason (?). In today's world, in which so many people have anger (and violence) problems, do we need our kids practicing stabbing (or shooting) vicariously over and over again, day in and day out? How does anyone WIN at that game?</span></strong></div>
Michael Freelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12986792656856492021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2862710666448728068.post-4753041925580578412014-06-01T08:20:00.000-07:002014-06-05T09:13:45.573-07:00How To Interpret Your Dreams<div align="justify">
<strong><span style="color: #000099;"><span style="font-size: large;"> <span style="color: #783f04;"> I recently saw a tv interview on interpreting dreams, with the author of a new book on the topic. She seemed to use the typical approach, ie. applying general meanings to symbols in the dream. An example of this, and the one I was most annoyed with, is the dream of having your teeth fall out. She says that it means you're doing too much gossiping. That you should keep your (gossipy) words in your mouth, as you should your teeth. I'm not one to take things too literally, but I have had this dream, and I don't gossip (much). </span></span></span></strong><br />
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<strong><span style="color: #783f04; font-size: large;"> I use a different approach to dream interpretation. I think the symbols in dreams themselves have meaning specific to the dreamer. So everything, and everyone in the dream is an unconscious representation of some aspect of the dreamer. You are dreaming about it now to help resolve some important issue, propel you towards forward growth, and/or acknowledge a current obstacle in your life that you may not be aware of (or in denial about), like stress. Bad, or scary dreams, seem to me to be mostly stress related. If you can recall your dreams it helps to pay attention to them. Especially recurrent dreams. They seem to be a particularly meaningful message that your unconscious wants your conscious (daily awareness) mind to get. You'll find that once you figure these dreams out, your repeating dream will "move on" to deliver the next message. </span></strong><br />
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<strong><span style="color: #783f04; font-size: large;"> So I do believe that teeth falling out in dreams (or any dream symbols) are most successfully interpreted within the context of the individual's life, including their relationships, goals, stresses, culture, and day-to-day life circumstance. You may wonder, "Michael, why don't you write a book on dreams." Well, believe it or not, I didn't exactly come up with this on my own. Fritz Perls and other Gestalt Psychology theorists laid the groundwork for this type of dream interpretation. I like it. I use it often in my practice, and have had success with it. Try it. It works best when you have someone who knows you, and whom you trust (No, it doesn't have to be a therapist) to help you with it.</span></strong></div>
Michael Freelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12986792656856492021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2862710666448728068.post-78817873996101893822014-04-29T07:58:00.000-07:002014-04-29T07:58:58.935-07:00DON'T ACCEPT 'LAZINESS'!<span style="color: #783f04; font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><strong> Parents, spouses, and (believe it or not) even teachers sometimes refer to people they bring to counseling as 'lazy.' I have an immediate emotional response, but typically wait to hear their whole story before suggesting that "lazy," as a description of a person, is bogus. I mean, I interpret it as a description of their behavior. It is typically used as a demeaning label, a bad personality trait. To me it means that a person is not doing the work that's expected of them for one reason or another (including the possibility of unrealistic expectations). Those reasons are likely low motivation (ie. not a priority), anger (they don't want to do it because they're angry at you, and won't say why), not accepting of their responsibility to perform the task, or have been given the excuse that "you're lazy" and they want you to continue to take care of them. And that's your reward for allowing someone to get away with being "lazy." YOU have to do it. That's called enabling.</strong></span><br />
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<span style="color: #783f04; font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><strong> Now if they come to me and are diagnosed with </strong></span><strong><span style="color: #783f04; font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">malingering</span></strong><strong><span style="color: #783f04; font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"> (or labelled 'lazy'), I want to figure out why this person is not behaving responsibly and what the family or relationship dynamics are that help maintain this behavior. Sometimes it is part of a larger emotional issue, like depression. But often it is a form of communication in which the person (for example a child, or spouse) is passively expressing anger, and/or exerting some control over their life that feels controlled by someone else (like a parent, teacher, or partner). Stop giving them the excuse of laziness, and make some changes in the relationship. Listen more. Negotiate and compromise better. Offer some rewards. Often more loving attention is a valuable incentive. Becoming more controlling by trying to force them into action often has the opposite effect, that is, they get the attention (although it's negative ) but get more stuck in their noncompliant behavior. It's like you're rewarding their "laziness." Help them break this bad habit, and replace it with responsible action. You and they will be much happier.</span></strong>Michael Freelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12986792656856492021noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2862710666448728068.post-5765128504921752622014-04-04T14:08:00.000-07:002014-04-06T10:05:03.879-07:00The Art of Parenting<div align="justify">
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #b45f06;"><strong>Parenting is something that we are all capable of. Well, those of us who have kids. Initially it requires a focus on the wellbeing of our offspring, while guiding them to reach their potential. Our role changes as they get older. The amount of involvement parents have in their child's life when the child becomes a teen and then an adult depends on their needs, and yours. And if we don't change how we relate to our child as they age, you will possibly grow apart. Unconditional love is what motivates us to do the work required for good parenting. The parent's creativity, sustained energy, patience and motivation, and the beauty that results from communicating this love is what elevates parenting from 'just a job,' to an art form. That love needs to be communicated in EVERY interaction with our child. This not only includes expressing our joy about their successes, but showing your love by not degrading them when we are disappointed or angry at them. </strong><strong>Even if they act like they don't need us. </strong></span></span></span></div>
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<strong><span style="color: #b45f06; font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">You can create a loving, nurturing environment for your child by developing a strong bond with them early (or later) in life. This will help them trust and rely on your influence, and input in their life. Of course there's no handbook that tells you what to do to be the "perfect" parent. However, your unconditional love expressed through good communication (especially LISTENING), will go a long way in helping you master the art of (good) parenting.</span></strong></div>
Michael Freelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12986792656856492021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2862710666448728068.post-90314216629427751982014-02-12T08:43:00.000-08:002014-02-12T08:45:37.625-08:00Go Ahead, Be A Valentine! (reprinted)<strong><span style="color: #6600cc; font-size: 130%;">As you know, I think relationships and the role of love in relationships are very important. Healthy happy relationships help keep you strong. They can actually help you live longer. A bad relationship, especially a close one, can kill ya. I've written a lot here over the past 2 years about this topic. So rather than repeat myself, I thought that I'd list the references to my previous discussions below, and encourage you to review them for Valentines Day. </span></strong><br />
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<strong><span style="color: #6600cc; font-size: 130%;">1. "If You Were In Her Shoes" 1/18/09</span></strong><br />
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<strong><span style="color: #6600cc; font-size: 130%;">2. "Consider Forgiveness" 5/22/08</span></strong><br />
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<strong><span style="color: #6600cc; font-size: 130%;">3. " Love Is In The Air" 1/28/08</span></strong><br />
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<strong><span style="color: #6600cc; font-size: 130%;">4. "Forgiveness, ... Easier Said Than Done?" 10/1/07</span></strong><br />
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<strong><span style="color: #6600cc; font-size: 130%;">5. "All You Need Is Love" 9/22/07</span></strong><br />
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<strong><span style="color: #6600cc; font-size: 130%;">6. "A Happy Marriage Helps Relieve Stress" 6/25/07</span></strong><br />
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<strong><span style="color: #6600cc; font-size: 130%;">However for those of you who want the summarized version, I give you this (and enjoy the holiday):</span></strong><br />
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<strong><span style="color: red; font-family: courier new; font-size: 180%;"><em>Roses are red.</em></span></strong></div>
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<strong><em><span style="color: red; font-family: Courier New; font-size: 180%;">Violets are blue.</span></em></strong></div>
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<strong><em><span style="color: red; font-family: Courier New; font-size: 180%;">Today SHOW some love,</span></em></strong></div>
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<strong><em><span style="color: red; font-family: Courier New; font-size: 180%;">for a Happier, Healthier you.</span></em></strong></div>
Michael Freelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12986792656856492021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2862710666448728068.post-47078650042822697802013-12-17T11:14:00.000-08:002013-12-17T11:14:10.624-08:00IT'S 'RESOLUTION' TIME AGAIN...<span style="color: #38761d; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">It is time for us to consider "New Year's Resolutions." Even though many of us have gotten over the 'resolution' thing, a new year can't really start without us at least considering what we might want to do differently in 2014. </span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">I do think it's a good thing to periodically reflect on where we are in life. How happy we are. Do we need to consider making some changes in order to be happier? And you don't have to wait until the new year comes around. You should be monitoring your overall mood, and personal growth throughout the year.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #38761d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">The tradition is to make a list of 10 New Year's Resolutions. That's likely a reason that many of us skip this annual tradition. 10 can be a lot, unless you're really messed up (just kidding!). I suggest that you look at a couple of things in your life, for example, relationships (personal and professional), health (exercise and diet), what I like to call "excesses" (alcohol, drugs, food, spending, internet), spirituality. See if there's room for improvement. Usually there is. Then identify a goal (for example, to exercise 3-4 times per week), and start with a baby-step (a walk on the beach on the weekend). </span><br />
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<span style="color: #38761d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">That's how you do it. Let me know if you need some help, and have a HAPPY 2014.</span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #990000; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">See my earlier postings on New Year's Resolutions: <em>Two Thousand Eleven, </em>12/12/10; <em>No Resolutions For 2010, </em>1/1/10; <em>A New Year's Jingle, </em>12/22/08; <em>T'was The Night After Christmas (Parts 1 and 2</em>), 12/2/07 and 12/12 07. </span>Michael Freelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12986792656856492021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2862710666448728068.post-21421368365642160242013-10-22T07:56:00.000-07:002013-10-23T10:01:26.412-07:00Fix Your Anger, Now<div align="justify">
<span style="font-family: Arial;"><strong>I counsel a lot of people who have anger problems, both young and old. People throw tantrums, scream and shout, break things, shoot. People get hurt. Too often your anger hurts others. Fortunately, a lot of people are sorry about how they may have hurt someone as a result of their anger. Unfortunately their regret typically doesn't cause them to do anything about changing it. Most often someone else (a partner, parent, close friend, or legal authorities) forces them to come for help. There is a lot that can be done to help you express your anger in a healthy, appropriate way, getting the message across much more effectively than when you might 'lose it.' Let me also say, that I help people who have difficulty expressing anger (and other feelings) at all. Maybe afraid of confrontation. Many of them end up getting taken advantage of, or holding it in and getting depressed. Or holding it in until you "explode." Let's look at learning to manage your anger so it works for you.</strong></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;"><strong> First of all anger is a normal emotion. So you have to be able to get angry, and acknowledge it. Become aware of the situations that tend to trigger your anger. A lot of people report that it comes over them suddenly, "before I know it..." If you learn the situations that trigger your anger you can be better prepared when those situations arise. Anger expression becomes a habit for us. If it's bad angry behavior, then it's a habit that you want to break (and replace with a good one!). </strong></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;"><strong>I teach RELAXATION BREATHING, breathing deeply into your stomach (see my posting of 3/11/11, <i>Take A Moment, ..... BREATHE</i>, and Youtube video), as a tool to help you break the bad habit, and learn to manage your anger the way you should. Your angry behavior typically occurs at the end of a chain of events. Some of which you may not even be aware of that contribute to it. If you are having a stressful day, or something at work triggers some anger that you can't express there, then there may be some unexpressed build-up that gets unleashed elsewhere. Or perhaps you're an angry person with a lifetime of "build-up," and certain situations more easily push you over the angry "edge." Learn as much as possible about your reactions, especially the chain of events and the triggers that provoke your anger. BREATHING at any point along that chain helps stop the build-up. At whatever point you actually feel yourself getting angry, BREATHE and redirect your energy towards an appropriate expression of your feelings, or towards a calming thought/memory (I sometimes suggest carrying around a picture of your grandchild, or a pet, something that brings an immediate smile to your face). If you are in <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">the</span> middle of a conflict that escalates to anger, BREATHE and it won't get out of control. You may have to leave the argument, and return to resolve it when you've gotten under better control. It is important to return to resolve it, or you can keep having the same argument over and over again.</strong></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;"><strong> If you are using your anger as a weapon in your relationships, or as a tool to control others, get help. If you are using your anger to avoid other feelings that make you feel vulnerable or weak (like sadness, fear) then learn to understand those feelings and yourself better. You'll feel better. Lastly, don't beat yourself up because you've developed some bad habits. There are reasons for the habits that we develop that often we had no choice about, because a lot starts in childhood. However, you are an adult now, and you DO have choices. Don't continue to choose to hurt your self and those around you by letting your anger make you "mad."</strong></span><br />
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<em><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial;">Reprinted from 2011</span></em><br />
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<strong><span style="color: purple; font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Other postings by me on this subject include: </em>Communication: Learn How To Fight (5/21/12), <em>and </em>What Are You So Mad About (5/12/10). </span></strong><br />
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<span style="color: #000099; font-family: Arial;"><strong></strong></span><br />Michael Freelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12986792656856492021noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2862710666448728068.post-40446546581198992642013-09-15T08:42:00.000-07:002013-09-17T08:27:30.295-07:00OH, HOW RUDE!! (reprint)<span style="font-size: 130%;"><strong><span style="color: #6600cc;">How many times have you said this, or at least thought it? Too many times. Especially lately. It seems like rudeness is getting worse. Me and the wife (it's not rude to refer to her as "the wife," is it?) are having some lunch at the local Whole Foods. Not your ritzy restaurant, but you gotta eat. This woman was having a loud cell phone conversation standing a few feet away. C'mon! Our dirty looks didn't work. Without thinking too much about it, I started speaking loudly to my lovely wife. The rude woman couldn't hear who she was talking to on her phone. She huffed, and took it outside. Did she learn anything? Probably not. Did Linda and I exchange a hearty fist bump (and a good laugh)? We sure did.</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="color: #6600cc;">I find that I have to tolerate so much rudeness nowadays. I try to find opportunities to fight back (politely). I implore you to help fight this terrible trend in our country. I do it mostly by being nice to and considerate of people, when I can. By ignoring a lot of what unmannerly, selfish people do. And then occasionally just refusing to tolerate it (like we did at Whole Foods). I was reading a Psychology Today (December, 2009) on this topic. There was a suggestion that the advances in technology are partly responsible. Cell phones, e-mail, the internet including social networks (like MySpace, and Facebook) do offer a lot more opportunities to be rude, even anonymously. But it's PEOPLE who are rude. We are responsible for our rudeness. And just because it's easier now, and so many people do it, you are not relieved of your responsibility to display good manners, be courteous, and, yes, to even be kind to your fellow human beings. </span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="color: #6600cc;">I don't care if it's your culture (to not say thank you for a door held open for you), or if it's a child (that you speak rudely to), or you think you have a good reason (to flip someone off who beeped their car horn to avoid an accident with you while you were on your cell phone or texting, and not paying attention). Be Respectful. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color: #6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color: #6600cc;">Remember how connected everyone felt after 9/11? Flying flags and being nice to each other. Proud to be an American. Love and brotherhood were in the air. Well the air is stinking with rudeness now. Here's an idea (I don't think it's new). <em>Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. </em></span></strong><br /><strong><em><span style="color: #6600cc;"></span></em></strong><br /><strong><span style="color: #6600cc;"><em></em>One last thing: Telephone solicitors who call every Sunday evening at dinner time need to stop it. HOW RUDE!</span></strong></span>Michael Freelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12986792656856492021noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2862710666448728068.post-81351595670030104392013-08-20T08:00:00.000-07:002013-08-21T09:58:09.301-07:00Peer Pressure...Good and Bad<div align="justify">
<span style="color: #783f04; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><strong>People are influenced by social relationships starting in preschool (when your kid brings home someone <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">else's</span></span> cold). And they should be. We are social beings. If you think you can control who your child comes into contact with, you're wrong. Sure you can influence their social environment (for example, public vs. private, or religion-based school), but you will be much more effective if you teach your child how to choose healthy relationships and they know that they can come to you for help when they need it. And of course you have to BE THERE for them. </strong></span><br />
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<span style="color: #783f04; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><strong>We all have a need for attention and acknowledgement, in order to feel good about ourselves. The more you give your child (especially early on), the less they'll need to get it elsewhere. They will be more confident, make better decisions, and choose peer relationships that add to their lives, rather than take away from it. I mean they will choose friends who support the kind of values that you agree with. If your child NEEDS to be accepted by others, can't make decisions well, HAS to feel like a part of something (other than your family), then they will be more likely to respond to negative peer pressure. Maybe they'll try drugs to "fit in." Maybe join a gang to "belong." Perhaps pick on other kids to feel better about themselves. </strong></span><br />
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<span style="color: #783f04; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><strong>Require that your child introduce you to their friends. Get to know them. Don't overdo it though. Embarrassing your kids doesn't bring them closer, it pushes them away. Encourage your child to participate in organized sport or social activities. Help your child learn the difference between good and bad peers, then you won't have to worry about their friends pressuring them to make bad choices.</strong></span><br />
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<span style="color: #783f04; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><strong>How about the social pressure we feel as adults? We are more likely to be influenced by our friends (or media images and role models), good and bad, if we're in unhappy relationships, or are lacking confidence in our lives and life choices. Consider the people you spend your social time with. Do they influence you positively, or ... For example, some friends we tend to drink more with, or spread negative gossip, or trash our spouse. Are these friends or frienemies? [See my posting of 4/22/2008, <i>Beware Of Toxic People</i>]. I'm just saying, while we're trying to protect our kids from negative peer pressure, let's also look at who we're choosing to spend our time with.</strong></span></div>
Michael Freelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12986792656856492021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2862710666448728068.post-34353625412048668882013-07-30T11:00:00.000-07:002013-07-31T08:32:09.051-07:00BACK-TO-SCHOOL, ARE YOU READY? (Reprinted)<span style="color: #783f04; font-family: 'times new roman';"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 130%;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"> It's that time again. Seemed like a short summer, huh? When preparing to start the school year, it is important to have the clothes, and school supplies. However, it is also important to prepare your child's mindset for success. Make it a family affair. Have a family meeting (or several) to discuss yours and your child's expectations for this year, and plan to communicate daily (even if just to check in on their school day). And show them how much confidence you have in them and their work (see <em>Focus On The Positive,</em> 7/25/07). This is not just if you have young children. It may be more necessary for your teen (see <em>Teenagers, ... What Can I Say? </em>11/9/07), and helpful for the young college student.</span></b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #783f04; font-size: large;"><b> You should consider developing a contract (<em>Contract For Success, </em>8/2/07) with your child that includes REWARDS (lots), agreements about grades and homework (<em>Homework, </em>8/21/07), and include any behavior issues that need to be <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">focused</span> on. Read my postings addressing peer pressure (<em>Peer Pressure, Good and Bad, </em>8/15/07), and the use of video games (<em>Video Games, ... Good And Bad, You Decide,</em>10/28/07), to get some ideas about these issues. Of course, it is important to have a relationship with your child's teacher (<em>Your Child, Your Teacher, and You: A Team For Success, 8/29/07).</em></b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #783f04; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: large;"><b><em></em> Be aware that their return to school will likely increase your child's stress <em>(Managing School Stress, </em>8/9/07)<em>.</em> There are a lot of educational, and social demands made on your child at this time. Even if they like school they can run into some difficulties that require your assistance. Make sure they eat right, exercise, and communicate about any concerns that arise. If your child's behavior or stress problems begin to interfere with their school performance (<em>Oppositional Defiant Disorder, </em>10/18/08; <em>Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, </em>6/17/08) or you get concerned about drug use, get help. Don't wait for the problem to grow out of control (<em>When Should We Get Help, </em>9/5/07). Remember to be optimistic, and have high (realistic) expectations. HAVE A GOOD YEAR!</b></span>Michael Freelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12986792656856492021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2862710666448728068.post-2208505848190018112013-07-01T11:31:00.000-07:002013-07-02T11:27:26.234-07:00EASIER-THAN-IT-LOOKS RECIPE: ADAM'S CEVICHE<span style="color: #783f04; font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><strong>Last month we went on a great vacation trip to San Diego. One of the things that made it so enjoyable was visiting our friends Stacey and Adam and enjoying the ceviche that Adam made. </strong></span><br />
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<span style="color: #783f04; font-family: Times; font-size: large;"><strong>I've always been reluctant to explore preparing ceviche because of the idea of not cooking the fish that we are going to eat. Well I learned, and got the opportunity to enjoy, the non-traditional "cooking" of fish that I love. As you'll see in the recipe below, the fish cooks in lemon and lime juices. The acid of the juice does actually cook the fish that is soaking in it. We tried it. It came out great. I want to share it with you. Let me know what you think.</strong></span><br />
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<u><strong><span style="color: #783f04; font-family: Times; font-size: large;">Adam's Ceviche</span></strong></u></div>
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<strong><span style="color: #783f04; font-family: Times; font-size: large;">Ingredients:</span></strong></div>
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<strong><span style="color: #783f04; font-family: Times; font-size: large;">1 - 2 lbs. Scallops/Red Snapper/Tuna or other Fresh Fish (we used lobster, mahi, scallops, and cooked shrimp)</span></strong></div>
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<strong><span style="color: #783f04; font-family: Times; font-size: large;">1 lb. Shrimp (small, cooked)</span></strong></div>
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<strong><span style="color: #783f04; font-family: Times; font-size: large;">1/2 cup chopped onions (or more depending on your taste)</span></strong></div>
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<strong><span style="color: #783f04; font-family: Times; font-size: large;">3/4 cups cilantro</span></strong></div>
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<strong><span style="color: #783f04; font-family: Times; font-size: large;">2 - 3 large tomatoes, chopped</span></strong></div>
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<strong><span style="color: #783f04; font-family: Times; font-size: large;">2 stems green onion, chopped</span></strong></div>
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<strong><span style="color: #783f04; font-family: Times; font-size: large;">3 lemons (juice)</span></strong></div>
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<strong><span style="color: #783f04; font-family: Times; font-size: large;">3 limes (juice)</span></strong></div>
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<strong><span style="color: #783f04; font-family: Times; font-size: large;">salt, ground pepper (to taste, we left the salt out)</span></strong></div>
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<strong><span style="color: #783f04; font-family: Times; font-size: large;">jalapeno chile or serrano pepper, chopped (optional)</span></strong></div>
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<strong><span style="color: #783f04; font-family: Times; font-size: large;">1 cup clam juice (optional)</span></strong></div>
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<strong><span style="color: #783f04; font-family: Times; font-size: large;">1 small can tomato sauce (optional)</span></strong></div>
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<strong><span style="color: #783f04; font-family: Times; font-size: large;">red pepper flakes (to taste, optional)</span></strong></div>
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<strong><span style="color: #783f04; font-family: Times; font-size: large;">garlic, minced (optional)</span></strong></div>
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<strong><span style="color: #783f04; font-family: Times; font-size: large;">Preparation:</span></strong></div>
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<strong><span style="color: #783f04; font-family: Times; font-size: large;">Cut the fresh fish and cooked shrimp and put it into a mixing bowl, with the chopped vegetables, cilantro, garlic, and red pepper flakes. Add clam juice and/or tomato sauce. </span></strong></div>
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<strong><span style="color: #783f04; font-family: Times; font-size: large;">Pour the juice of the lemons and the limes over the mixture. Be sure the fish is all covered by the juice.</span></strong></div>
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<strong><span style="color: #783f04; font-family: Times; font-size: large;">Cover the bowl and let it sit overnight in the refrigerator. It is good to serve with tortillas, or other chips.</span></strong></div>
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<strong><span style="color: #783f04; font-family: Times; font-size: large;">Get creative with this recipe. Adam won't mind.</span></strong></div>
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Michael Freelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12986792656856492021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2862710666448728068.post-60219219633018544352013-06-05T13:37:00.003-07:002013-06-05T13:42:41.074-07:00LOVE FAQs: Do You 'Love', or Are You 'In Love'?<strong><em><span style="color: #b45f06; font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">What is the difference between 'loving' someone, and being 'in-love' with someone?</span></em></strong><br />
<strong><em><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span></em></strong><br />
<strong><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">People often say to me, when their relationship isn't working, "Well, I love him, but I'm not in love with him. Do you know what I mean?" I do know what they mean. That they're not as happy with their partner as they think they should be, maybe as they used to be. They may want to fix it, or they may be convincing themselves that it's time to move on. </span></strong><br />
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<strong><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Times;">When talking about relationships I do differentiate between loving someone and being in love with them. And you can have one without the other. Being in love is a more stable, and usually more lasting love. It includes trust, intimacy, vulnerability, and takes time to develop. It is less conditional on the day to day interactions of the individuals with each other. I think this is as close to "unconditional love" as adults can be with each other. And it takes time to develop. It typically includes the "other" kind of love.</span></strong><br />
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<strong><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Times;">The "other" kind of love is a strong feeling of desire, and compassion that is more 'in the moment'. Still a very strong feeling, but more susceptible to interference by other emotions such as anger, fear, and jealousy. It is influenced more by the daily interactions with your partner. As the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6nzobhvdMB0&ytsession=mIdAbi6HxeRSgF9f06mUMbpiNqUBx0Sk-0Gec0AO2vBz_gA7MibLudzXnUh33GmvYvg4KOd7EZ465c1s2qAtTlD84ymUnqtRBrog_YU8Iw3OqH8tNNc0kzKJcMpuKshRaFZIjkkpKY0jNN4mIIIhfSECjU6O0AYCNT7goCUd4-risZDUi561uwzCs29hi3ap3B0QUMgQ6hltYf5Luoo3aRBEEnJ7kVHK2_VGaFMllVyKC0eI-i0R9wlikJ4b3eVpAflYt8SuxNXtRYLxfTE5EQuSVOWBV6VZcY3itVGxj0WNx6wCAYeUPmTfK4YLiwcnnPe4bIbdw1B7ECS1XfiphDIBtp0C9-IaFp4j3uCfeJr0XiRfVh6lmayeF3VHWSRiC_yAvoOy1ljf4gJGGsAIHJrQKVAlE17_eAw_KvJEZlw2_Z3wOkzV0AjAiTIPoxf5oFz2ZNM0msQphXviijb3vZYAARyoHW55aJOHYJYLWmaYc2CbtnLz-zg3Xm2tWkhAGPZYrP0dRUYRgm6_cIVRlsiIsEojLciPoAErzy_IRAYJAN9pHMmsGwWUQPQ7RTgP18UPkd0WzXeky1UB5AimdLYYxEH5ShXb">Persuaders' song</a> suggests, there is a "thin line" between THIS kind of love, and hate.</span></strong><br />
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<strong><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Times;">Why is this distinction relevant? Because we fall in love all the time. And the feeling of love is so strong that it can cause us to tolerate bad relationships longer than we should, or not work as hard on the relationship as we should. As a result, if the relationship fails we think love (and it's close relative, happiness) can't work for us. Not realizing that perhaps you didn't invest as much time developing the "love" as you should have, in order to reap the reward that you've dreamt about from love, <em>Eternal Bliss. </em></span></strong><br />
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<strong><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Times;">Yes, I do believe that couples can feel eternal bliss in their relationship. It requires work before you commit, and continuous effort throughout the relationship. It takes time. So, "love at first sight" can still happen, and be great fun. That "love" can lead you right into being "in-love", but don't have the expectation that automatically you can trust, be vulnerable and live in eternal bliss without tolerating some bumps in the road. Don't let it make you miss the "red flags" that should steer you away from emotional danger. </span></strong><br />
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<strong><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Times;">Good communication is still a very important skill for a couple to develop and practice in order to maintain a healthy and happy, loving relationship. Don't you deserve that? </span></strong><br />
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<strong><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Times;">[see other <a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=2862710666448728068#editor/target=post;postID=333639270852502556;onPublishedMenu=allposts;onClosedMenu=allposts;postNum=3;src=postname">Love FAQs</a> in my blog posting of 2/7/2013]</span></strong>Michael Freelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12986792656856492021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2862710666448728068.post-91010534596775038022013-03-19T07:32:00.000-07:002013-03-19T13:53:19.983-07:00BREAK YOUR BAD HABITS<span style="color: #990000;">All habits are hard to break. But we do need to keep the good ones. In fact, one of the strategies to help break bad habits is to replace them with good ones.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #990000;">First a few words about bad habits. Of course there's more than just the obvious bad ones, ie. smoking, substance abuse, excessive gambling, etc. There are also bad relationship-habits. For example, arguing, gossip, being the "know-it-all". We also have thinking habits which interfere with our lives, some of which we may not even be aware of. Fears, prejudices, obsessions, worries, etc. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #990000;">I'm going to offer a definition of 'bad habit' as any repetitive behavior or thought that interferes with your life. That would be your health, job, relationships, peace of mind, any important aspect of your life. And most often these behaviors/thoughts are automatic. We often don't think about them before doing them.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #990000;">FORTUNATELY WE CAN BREAK BAD HABITS. Here's how:</span><br />
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<span style="color: #990000;">1. Identify the habit, and acknowledge that it's bad, based on the effects on you and those around you. Break your denial.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #990000;">2. Identify the triggers. Acknowledging the connection between the trigger and the behavior/thought gives you more control over it. That's not enough to eliminate the behavior, but it's a start towards breaking the habit.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #990000;">3. Know that you don't necessarily have to eliminate the behavior completely to break the habit. Some behaviors can't be eliminated, for example, you can control your overeating though you still have to eat. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #990000;">4. Make small (easier) changes that reduce the frequency of the behavior. For example, no smoking in the car, or don't assume (a thinking habit) that your teenager is being disrespectful EVERY time she/he has a different idea than you do. You'll begin to realize the success you can have controlling, and changing your habits. Taking small steps will lead to major changes.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #990000;">5. Optional: Keep a record of how often you do the behavior. This also helps you to control the behavior by keeping track of your gradual improvement. You get to see which triggers create greater obstacles. Small setbacks (if they occur) won't seem so monumental.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #990000;">6. Find a positive activity to replace the bad habit. For example, listen to your teen (or partner, or coworker) before reacting and choose a different response (don't pre-judge). If you do have a setback, do what you can to correct it and get back on track.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #990000;">7. Enlist the support of people around you who care (family, support groups like Alcoholics Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous, etc.).</span><br />
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<span style="color: #990000;">8. REWARD YOURSELF for small successes. This will help you stay motivated.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #990000;">If your bad habits continue to get the best of you, get some help.</span><br />
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Michael Freelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12986792656856492021noreply@blogger.com0