Mental Notes

I'M RAISING A TEEN,... HELP!!

2012-01-26T11:54:00.000-08:00

Help is on the way. Mom's, do you ask these questions about your teen or young adult?

How come my son doesn't want to talk?
Could my daughter be depressed? Suicidal? What are the signs?
Even if their over 18, don't they have to follow MY rules in my house?
I want my child to finish school. Get a job. How do I help?
How much privacy should I give my daughter?
Should I limit their internet time? What about Facebook?
How do I get my son to be more motivated? Improve my daughter's self-esteem?
Do I have to agree with their dad? What if Dad's not around?
How can I tell if my teen is using drugs?

We will be starting a Women's Parenting and Support Group next month. A lot of parent's have asked about getting more help and support while raising their teen or young adult. Parenting a teen is a very difficult job. This group experience will help you learn everything from managing crises, to helping your child develop career goals and a life plan, to requiring respectful and responsible behavior from them.

This is an opportunity to overcome some of the obstacles that exist between you and your child. Two groups (1 for mothers of 12 to 17 year-olds, the other for mothers of 18 to 25 year-olds) will begin in February. Call or e-mail me soon to sign up.

Teenagers, ... What Can I Say?

2012-01-09T19:35:00.000-08:00

Teenagers are an interesting species. Sometimes they even seem like they're from another planet. Don't they? What's funny is that we were all teenagers once (or are now, or will be soon), for several years. Remember that? So then why is it so hard to relate to them sometimes? I have a few ideas about that. I'm sure you figured that.

We get used to our children for 10+ years as little (sometimes cute) kids. They do what we tell them (mostly). We always know where they are. They do a lot of stuff with us, and seem to enjoy it. Also, with young children we get to be the type of parents we always expected to be. Totally in charge of their lives. They are totally dependent on us. But relatively quickly things change. Actually the kids start to change dramatically. Us, usually, not so much. Not only that, but the world has changed significantly since we were teens. For example, whereas our parents may have been forward thinking enough to limit our television viewing, we have to be aware of not only tv (with 500 channels), but the Internet, video games, and cell phones. And even though we may be creative enough to figure out where they are most of the time, we can't always know what outside forces they're being exposed to in person or via telecommunications. Remember, your parents didn't always know what you were doing. Now multiply that by a hundred. Yes, it is scary. But we survived, and so will they. How can we help most?

Well, as you know Parenting is an Art (see my blog of 3/23/07), and you have to work at it. You have to grow as a parent as your child grows into adolescence. Prepare for your child's adolescent growth spurt. You have at least 10 years. You can be ready by the time your child gets there. At least as ready as any parent can be. The most important thing you can do is to prepare your child for you to be a big part of their life when they get to be teens. Then they won't fight you as much, it will be a part of your regular routine. You're not looking to be their best friend, and in fact you want to be able to give them as much space as you feel safe with. They have to get out in the world, make choices, make mistakes, while you are still involved enough for them to come to you for help and support. If they don't feel you close enough emotionally they will go elsewhere for what they need. When you're the one who should be in the best position to give it to them. This means that from the very beginning you develop good communication (learning to listen when they're young REALLY pays off here), trust, expression of unconditional love, modeling good decision-making and conflict resolution, setting realistic goals and expectations, mutual respect, teaching personal responsibility, and modeling the family values that are important to you. Do this stuff, and your child's teenage years will be a blessing. Well, at least you won't go completely crazy.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

2012-01-04T14:16:00.000-08:00

I want your 2012 to be happy, yes. But I also want it to be healthy, prosperous, fun, and everything good. I'm not talking about "resolutions" this year. I'm revisiting last years'. I've written about resolutions in some of my previous posts ('Twas The Night After Christmas, Part 1 - 12/2/07, Part 2 - 12/12/07; A New Year's Jingle - 12/22/08; No Resolutions For 2010 - 1/1/10; 2011 - 12/12/10).

I want this to be a Mindful 2012 for me, and I recommend it for you. To be more aware of things that I sometimes do automatically, including my emotional reactions. I'm going to slow...it...down. I found this poem in the book The 4-Hour Workweek (by Timothy Ferris), written by a psychologist David Weatherford. It describes my goal for this year.

SLOW DANCE

Have you ever watched kids

on a merry-go-round?

Or listened to the rain

Slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?

Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down.

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.

Do you run through each day

on the fly?

When you ask: How are you?

Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done,

do you lie in your bed

With the next hundred chores

Running through your head?

You'd better slow down.

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.

Ever told your child

We'll do it tomorrow?

And in your haste

Not see his sorrow.

Ever lost touch,

Let a good friendship die

Cause you never had time

To call and say, "Hi"?

You'd better slow down

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere

You miss half the fun of getting there.

When you worry and hurry through your day,

It is like an unopened gift thrown away.

Life is not a race.

Do take it slower.

Hear the music

Before the song's over.

PPAJJYM95SK4

2 WEEKS BEFORE CHRISTMAS

2011-12-07T12:30:00.000-08:00

This isn't the "Night Before Christmas," that story is old.

How to prepare for that night is what needs to be told.

By the night before Christmas, your work will be done.

So your Holiday time can be loads of fun.

It's 2 weeks before, you're still doing your shopping.

Count your pennies, and know when you should be stopping.

Stress tends to build as it gets closer to that Day,

And we give into it in a lot of unhealthy ways.

We eat and drink more, have less patience, get into fights.

Well get a grip, take a breath, this year do it right.

Let the spirit of the Season take a hold of you now.

Love and compassion, peace in your life, you should allow.

So go ahead, these next weeks, give a gift of love to your friends.

Offer family members forgiveness now, not after the season ends.

The holidays are also a time we remember people we've lost.

And the sadness it brings makes us feel worse.

Well acknowledge those feelings, but don't get stuck in the pain. Celebrate their life, enjoy good memories that remain.

During these 2 weeks before Christmas take stock of your blessings.

Don't get caught up in the materialism, and the need to buy things.

Prepare yourself and your family to enjoy the celebration.

And start the New Year with joy and jubilation.

EASIER-THAN-IT-LOOKS THANKSGIVING Recipes

2011-11-21T11:29:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving is a time of family, friends, football (no basketball this year, sad), and EATING. Here are a couple of easy and tasty recipes to accompany your turkey (or Tofurkey ) meal. Linda's preparing ORIGINAL GREEN BEAN CASSEROLE. For dessert, along with the pies, are TRADITIONAL PEANUT BUTTER KISS COOKIES. Yummy.

Original Green Bean Casserole

2 (16 oz) Cans of cut green beans, drained or 2 pkgs. frozen cut green beans, cooked and drained

3/4 cup milk (I prefer almond milk, but it depends on your taste)

1 (10 3/4 oz) Can condensed cream of mushroom soup

1/8 Tsp. of black pepper

1 Can French Fried Onions

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. In medium bowl, combine beans, milk, soup, pepper, and 1/2 can of fried onions; pour into 1 1/2 qt casserole. Bake uncovered, at 350, for 30 mins. Top with remaining onions; bake uncovered, 5 mins. or until onions are golden brown.

Traditional Peanut Butter Kiss Cookies

1 Cup sugar

1 Cup peanut butter

1 egg

18 milk chocolate candy kisses, unwrapped

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Combine sugar, peanut butter, and egg. Shape into 1 inch balls and place on ungreased cookie sheet. NOTE: If dough is too sticky, refrigerate 1/2 hour or until easy to handle. Bake for 10 mins. Remove cookies from oven. Press a chocolate kiss into the center of each warm cookie.

Enjoy the holiday. Remember our goal to minimize the drama on holidays (No More Holiday Drama, 8/31/11; Drama Is A Drug, 10/25/09). HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

OCCUPY YOUR MIND (no politics)

2011-11-10T10:59:00.000-08:00

A couple of weeks ago my wife and I participated in the "Occupy Ft. Lauderdale" demonstration in downtown Ft. Lauderdale. It turned out to be a lot of fun (I think that's the word), for several reasons. Political beliefs aside, it felt good to have an outlet for some of the anger I've felt during this difficult economic time. It was exciting to be a part of a real cause, and feel like my voice was being heard, in a movement that represents most Americans. It was thrilling for drivers to ride by beeping their horns and encouraging the group of a couple of hundred people. "No comment" on the guys that gave us the finger (though that was kind of funny). I was energized.

Those of you who are feeling blah about your life sometimes need to find some things to energize you. My suggestion, based on my recent experiences, is to find something that you believe in and participate in it. It's especially invigorating if there are other people involved. Something about a group of people all directing a positive energy towards something they all believe in magnifies the individual energy that you feel. Religious activities demonstrate that. Concerts. The feelings that are generated trigger the release of hormones (and other chemicals in the brain) that make you feel good.

Other activities to occupy your mind with include volunteering, charity work, giving to and helping others. So, in addition to your exercise, hobbies, healthy relationships, this is a way to expand your interests and enjoy life more.

Peer Pressure...Not Just For Kids Anymore

2011-10-07T15:59:00.000-07:00

People are influenced by social relationships starting in preschool (when your kid brings home someone else's cold). And they should be. We are social beings. If you think you can control who your child comes into contact with, you're wrong. Sure you can influence their social environment (for example, public vs. private, or religion-based school), but you will be much more effective if you teach your child how to choose healthy relationships and they know that they can come to you for help when they need it. And of course you have to BE THERE for them.

We all have a need for attention and acknowledgement, in order to feel good about ourselves. The more you give your child (especially early on), the less they'll need to get it elsewhere. They will be more confident, make better decisions, and choose peer relationships that add to their lives, rather than take away from it. I mean they will choose friends who support the kind of values that you agree with. If your child NEEDS to be accepted by others, can't make decisions well, HAS to feel like a part of something (other than your family), then they will be more likely to respond to negative peer pressure. Maybe they'll try drugs to "fit in." Maybe join a gang to "belong." Perhaps pick on other kids to feel better about themselves.

Require that your child introduce you to their friends. Get to know them. Don't overdo it though. Embarrassing your kids doesn't bring them closer, it pushes them away. Encourage your child to participate in organized sport or social activities. Help your child learn the difference between good and bad peers, then you won't have to worry about their friends pressuring them to make bad choices.

How about the social pressure we feel as adults? We are more likely to be influenced by our friends (or media images and role models), good and bad, if we're in unhappy relationships, or are lacking confidence in our lives and life choices. Consider the people you spend your social time with. Do they influence you positively, or ... For example, some friends we tend to drink more with, or spread negative gossip, or trash our spouse. Are these friends or frienemies? [See my posting of 4/22/2008, Beware Of Toxic People]. I'm just saying, while we're trying to protect our kids from negative peer pressure, let's also look at who we're choosing to spend our time with.

NO MORE HOLIDAY DRAMA!

2011-08-31T10:40:00.000-07:00

In preparation for Labor Day I thought it important to revisit this very important topic. I have written about it before (see my posting of 10/25/09, Drama Is A Drug), but believe it or not there continues to be so much unnecessary drama. So I want to start a movement. Let there be NO DRAMA on holidays. This is good because holidays are supposed to be a time for celebration, relaxation, and fun. It's the time of the year that family and friends get together to enjoy each other. And this is the beginning of holiday season. Unfortunately some of the worst, most dramatic drama happens at these gatherings. One of the reasons for that is because old family issues resurface, and we can tend to act like angry, entitled teenagers. Let's plan to break that pattern.

Let's start this Labor Day. Many of us are going to have picnics or barbecue and have people over. Let them all know that there will be no arguments, no putting others down, no gossip (even about people who are not there), no pointing out mistakes that people make or weird outfits (or hairdos) that they have. And this definitely applies to the kids. Don't bring up their past behavior problems, school issues, or even chastise them in front of other people. Also emphasize to them that they're not to bring any drama either, or they won't be able to share in the fun.

Some people may need reminders, because the real Drama Kings and Queens may not even be aware of how much drama they bring. In fact, you should have a special chat with them before the gathering. And, if someone can't contain their drama after several private reminders, you may have to ask them to leave.

At the end of the day you will feel less stressed (these gatherings are stressful enough without unnecessary problems). You and your guests will have had a much more enjoyable time. Everyone will look forward to the next holiday to spend together.

BACK-TO-SCHOOL, ARE YOU READY?

2011-08-07T17:24:00.000-07:00

It's that time again. Seemed like a short summer, huh? When preparing to start the school year, it is important to have the clothes, and school supplies. However, it is also important to prepare your child's mindset for success. Make it a family affair. Have a family meeting (or several) to discuss yours and your child's expectations for this year, and plan to communicate daily (even if just to check in on their school day). And show them how much confidence you have in them and their work (see Focus On The Positive, 7/25/07). This is not just if you have young children. It may be more necessary for your teen (see Teenagers, ... What Can I Say? 11/9/07), and helpful for the young college student.
You should consider developing a contract (Contract For Success, 8/2/07) with your child that includes REWARDS (lots), agreements about grades and homework (Homework, 8/21/07), and include any behavior issues that need to be focused on. Read my postings addressing peer pressure (Peer Pressure, Good and Bad, 8/15/07), and the use of video games (Video Games, ... Good And Bad, You Decide,10/28/07), to get some ideas about these issues. Of course, it is important to have a relationship with your child's teacher (Your Child, Your Teacher, and You: A Team For Success, 8/29/07).

Be aware that their return to school will likely increase your child's stress (Managing School Stress, 8/9/07). There are a lot of educational, and social demands made on your child at this time. Even if they like school they can run into some difficulties that require your assistance. Make sure they eat right, exercise, and communicate about any concerns that arise. If your child's behavior or stress problems begin to interfere with their school performance (Oppositional Defiant Disorder, 10/18/08; Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, 6/17/08) or you get concerned about drug use, get help. Don't wait for the problem to grow out of control (When Should We Get Help, 9/5/07). Remember to be optimistic, and have high (realistic) expectations. HAVE A GOOD YEAR!

Live Your Life

2011-07-19T12:58:00.000-07:00

All of us have rules, or values, or ways of thinking about life that guide us forward. Too often there are fears, and old scars that interfere with doing things that might make us happier, or benefit us in some way. They hold us back. I say, LIVE YOUR LIFE. I mean that you should stop and think about what would make you happy in your life (if you don't already have that), and examine why it is that you are not moving closer to your objectives. For now, let's eliminate the obvious external limitations, like the economy, and the various responsibilities (job, parenting, etc.) that we have. I am referring more to the internal limitations that we allow. And for the most part, we have made choices that require the responsibilities we have.

For example: A middle-aged woman has had a job for 15 years, where she mostly worked out of the office, or at home. Loves her job. They're expanding, and she is the best candidate to travel to near-by cities to set up new offices. A great opportunity for her. She's afraid of flying. She gets anxious. Won't fly. Makes up excuses to her boss. Loses her job.

A man, a little older, has been with his wife for 22 years. He's had suspicions that she has been cheating on him for the past 3 years. He loves her. He doesn't believe in divorce (his parents stayed together in spite of problems they had), and is afraid to be alone. He's getting depressed.

There are many more examples of people not making choices that would improve their happiness because of fears, or beliefs that we have, many of which were developed in childhood. This includes people not pursuing career opportunities, avoiding new relationships (or staying in unhealthy, or even dangerous relationships), or tolerating otherwise intolerable life situations. Resolve whatever issues are interfering with your happiness. Often people are not aware of the obstacles that are causing them to remain stuck. Challenge yourself. Take a real look at your life, and notice what aspects of your life (big and small) you are not happy with. Consider what's holding you back, and start to take some action. Often when we confront fears, or identify values/beliefs that no longer apply to our current life situation, we can take a small step towards overcoming those obstacles. Unburden yourself (or get some help). LIVE YOUR LIFE.

STRESS LESS MONDAYS

2011-05-29T15:42:00.001-07:00

For many of us Monday is the most stressful day of the week, especially at work. We start to anticipate it and stress about it on Sunday night. It's automatic, a habit we've developed over years and years of Monday stressing. I think we can't make it a stressless day, but I know we can learn to stress less.

What's important is to change the way we think about Mondays. This may be hard because EVERYBODY seems to expect Mondays to be bad. What we focus on and anticipate often become real (especially negative anticipation). For example, if you expect to have a bad day you usually do. Let's start by anticipating 1 good thing to happen on Monday. Then plan it and make it happen. It will be something positive to look forward to.

Plan a special lunch, dinner, or other activity after work. Find 1 small thing to do differently at work, maybe make a bothersome office relationship more enjoyable (or just less annoying). Once you set your mind to changing how you experience the day, maybe Monday can be Fun Day. Ok, that may be asking a bit too much. But at least you can stress less.

Find other Stress Less Monday tips on our Facebook page

(click: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Freels-Mental-Health-group/155186571209581 ) on Mondays.

School's Out Soon. What To Do...

2011-05-08T10:22:00.000-07:00

The happiest day of my life used to be the last day of school. I can't be specific, but I'm sure I learned a lot during my summer vacations, mostly in Cape May, New Jersey (much different than summer in NY City). Plan some of what you want your children to learn this summer, and structure it. For example, if your child's had difficulty calling out in class (or other attention seeking), have them practice controlling that impulse at home a few times per week . And make it rewarding. If he can sit in the kitchen (maybe while you're doing something there), for 30 minutes (two 15 minute segments) and practice raising his hand and waiting for you to 'call' on him, he gets a special privilege. Let him practice relaxation breathing (see my post of 3/1/11, Take A Moment... Breathe...) to learn to control his impulses during this exercise.

There are a lot of things our kids can learn during this time off. In addition to reading, and practicing math problems (for a few minutes daily), you can help them learn good studying habits, less defiance, controlling whining and tantrums, to eat more healthily, improve social skills. I know, it's not sounding like fun, yet. These practice sessions can be fun for the child, especially if you're practicing your new and improved 'special rewards' system(s). But your fun really comes when you are less stressed by not getting phone calls from her teachers, or improved grades, better behavior, your child's improved self-esteem. If there are particularly stubborn bad behavior habits that you and your child haven't had time to address during the busy school year, now's the time to get some help with it. In some cases kids who have been working on issues in counseling during the school year, take a vacation from the work during the summer. Often the old habits return when school (and the school stress) starts again. By all means, the summer break should be an enjoyable time for your family, use it wisely.

Fix Your Anger, Now

2011-04-10T07:56:00.000-07:00

I counsel a lot of people who have anger problems, both young and old. People throw tantrums, scream and shout, break things, shoot. People get hurt. Too often your anger hurts others. Fortunately, a lot of people are sorry about how they may have hurt someone as a result of their anger. Unfortunately their regret typically doesn't cause them to do anything about changing it. Most often someone else (a partner, parent, close friend, or legal authorities) forces them to come for help. There is a lot that can be done to help you express your anger in a healthy, appropriate way, getting the message across much more effectively than when you might 'lose it.' Let me also say, that I help people who have difficulty expressing anger (and other feelings) at all. Maybe afraid of confrontation. Many of them end up getting taken advantage of, or holding it in and getting depressed. Or holding it in until you "explode." Let's look at learning to manage your anger so it works for you.

First of all anger is a normal emotion. So you have to be able to get angry, and acknowledge it. Become aware of the situations that tend to trigger your anger. A lot of people report that it comes over them suddenly, "before I know it..." If you learn the situations that trigger your anger you can be better prepared when those situations arise. Anger expression becomes a habit for us. If it's bad angry behavior, then it's a habit that you want to break (and replace with a good one!).

I teach RELAXATION BREATHING, breathing deeply into your stomach (see my posting of 3/11/11, Take A Moment, ..... BREATHE, and Youtube video), as a tool to help you break the bad habit, and learn to manage your anger the way you should. Your angry behavior typically occurs at the end of a chain of events. Some of which you may not even be aware of that contribute to it. If you are having a stressful day, or something at work triggers some anger that you can't express there, then there may be some unexpressed build-up that gets unleashed elsewhere. Or perhaps you're an angry person with a lifetime of "build-up," and certain situations more easily push you over the angry "edge." Learn as much as possible about your reactions, especially the chain of events and the triggers that provoke your anger. BREATHING at any point along that chain helps stop the build-up. At whatever point you actually feel yourself getting angry, BREATHE and redirect your energy towards an appropriate expression of your feelings, or towards a calming thought/memory (I sometimes suggest carrying around a picture of your grandchild, or a pet, something that brings an immediate smile to your face). If you are in the middle of a conflict that escalates to anger, BREATHE and it won't get out of control. You may have to leave the argument, and return to resolve it when you've gotten under better control. It is important to return to resolve it, or you can keep having the same argument over and over again.

If you are using your anger as a weapon in your relationships, or as a tool to control others, get help. If you are using your anger to avoid other feelings that make you feel vulnerable or weak (like sadness, fear) then learn to understand those feelings and yourself better. You'll feel better. Lastly, don't beat yourself up because you've developed some bad habits. There are reasons for the habits that we develop that often we had no choice about, because a lot starts in childhood. However, you are an adult now, and you DO have choices. Don't continue to choose to hurt your self and those around you by letting your anger make you "mad."

Take A Moment, ... BREATHE (And RELAX)!

2011-03-01T08:46:00.000-08:00

Take a minute, now while you're reading this, to take a breath. Slowly into your stomach. Your lungs extend down about to your navel, so to fill them with air you expand your stomach. This type of breathing is different than how we usually breathe. What I call Relaxation Breathing (more formally called diaphragmatic breathing), fills your lungs causing them to expand. Breathe slowly and deeply into your stomach. You push your belly out when you inhale, and then flatten it as you exhale (pushing the air out out of your lungs). This type of breathing forces your body to relax.

I do this as often as possible, because I, like most people don't usually use our lungs much when we breathe. I recommend it to people whenever I can. It helps counteract the effects of stress. I mean, it slows down your heart rate, lowers your blood pressure, gets more oxygen to your brain, and generally improves your health. This Relaxation Breathing helps you control anxiety (and anxiety attacks), get to sleep, manage your anger better, improve focus and concentration, get rid of headaches and helps fix the symptoms of some of those more serious stress related ailments (including obsessive thinking, irritable bowel syndrome, ulcers, hypertension, pain, ADHD, and more).

It seems to me to be one of the simplest things to do to improve your health, and your life. But you have to practice it. I know you breathe all the time (hopefully), but daily stress causes us to restrict our breathing. Notice how an infant breathes when asleep, as if their whole body is expanding and contracting. This is how we all started out. Try it whenever you can. It's one of those easy things like drinking water (to clean out body toxins) and walking (exercise) that there really is no excuse for not doing. Go ahead, BREATHE. And if you happen to yawn afterwards, that's your body thanking you!

Here is a video demonstration:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gSjHha1fgF0&feature=email

EASIER-THAN-IT-LOOKS Recipe: HOT ARTICHOKE DIP

2011-01-24T18:39:00.000-08:00

No matter which team you want to win the Super Bowl (my team is out of it), you will want to serve your guests tasty foods that are easy to make (and possibly healthy!). I have here a yummy Artichoke Dip that our neighbors made every year for our building Christmas party. Here's the Easier-Than-It-Looks Recipe.

HOT ARTICHOKE DIP

Ingredients:

2 15 Oz. cans unmarinated artichoke hearts

1 1/2 cups mayonnaise

2 cups parmesan cheese (grated)

Preparation Instructions:

Drain the artichoke hearts and shred into small pieces. Place in a casserole dish. Mix in mayonnaise, then parmesan cheese. Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes. Serve hot with crackers or bread of your choice.

That was easy!

A couple of other dishes that you might want to serve are Touchdown Taco Dip (see my posting of 7/19/08), and Lisa's Satisfying Spinach Balls (see my posting of 5/26/08). ENJOY THE GAME!

HOW ABOUT A LITTLE MORE POSITIVITY THIS YEAR?

2011-01-01T19:00:00.000-08:00

Elevate your level of Positivity! Really. That's one of my goals this year. And I am sure that this will increase my success and happiness this year. Yours too (I mean, if you do it). Now, as you know I'm already a pretty positive person. And I do feel that I've reaped some of the benefits of that. But there is always room for improvement. By Positivity, I mean, in what we think, say and do. It mostly includes optimism (anticipating good outcomes in the future), positive thinking (focusing more on the good things in life, ie. seeing the glass as half full, rather than half-empty), and hope (a general sense that we can be happy in our lives). The cost of doing this is minimal, and the benefits are enormous.

Optimism about the future is the opposite of worrying about what's going to happen. When you anticipate positive outcomes you live life more confidently, more assertively. For example, if you are optimistic about the outcome of a job interview, or a new relationship, you tend to be more relaxed, more self-assured, and ultimately more successful. What you focus on tends to play itself out in your life. I am not suggesting that you walk around in denial, and have unrealistic expectations. However, you can at least balance your thoughts of the negative possibilities with thoughts of positive opportunities. Little to lose, and lots to gain.

Positive Thinking is taking note of the positive things in life, at least as much as you give attention to negative things in life. When offered the choice of focusing on the fullness of "the glass" (ie. half empty or half full), we often tend to focus on what's missing. For example, our kids come home with A's, B's and C's on their report card, and we spend more time chastising them for the A's they didn't get, rather than showing our appreciation for the A's they did earn. It has become our nature. When it's cold we miss the heat, and when it's hot we complain and wish it were cooler. Of course I exaggerate. But there are at least as many positive things about life, as there are negative. I know some of the negatives seem to take over our lives sometimes, and it usually has more drama associated with it. But the positives about ourselves and the people we care about, will enhance our lives and relationships. It will help us appreciate the people and things that we have, as opposed to missing, and yearning for the things (and relationships) that we don't have. There's a lot of happiness to gain from that.

Overall, I see hope as the most valuable asset. It seems to me to be a deeper, more spiritual level of positivity. It includes positive thinking and optimism about life in general and what to expect for the future. Hope is knowing that goodness is right, and that what is right will ultimately win out. So, for example, the wars that we shouldn't be fighting will end. People who are hungry will be able to eat. It requires a bit of denial, so we can continue to expect that the bad times will pass. A lot of people deal with hopelessness. Do not stay there too long. THERE ARE THINGS TO BE HOPEFUL ABOUT. Have some friends help you figure that out, even if you've had some losses.

Elevating your level of positivity this year will elevate your life.

Two Thousand Eleven

2010-12-12T13:39:00.000-08:00

'Twas the night before the New Year, 2011.

I look up to the stars, up into the heavens.

I say to myself, "Do I need some New Year's resolutions?"

To keep my life on track, is that the solution?

Tradition says to come up with 10 things to do.

But I know from experience that one can get the best of you.

So I think I'll come up with a new approach this year.

1 goal with 10 baby steps shouldn't be too much to bear.

My 2011 New Year's Resolution will be,

to move into the future with Information Technology.

Including the internet, iphones, ipads, even Wii.

It does seem like a lot, OMG!

I have to lol at myself, I don 't know what I'm getting into.

Maybe step 1 is figuring out what I'll actually have to do.

But wait a minute. I can text, and e-mail. I have a lap top.

I have my own website, and I have this blog.

No, I'm not on Facebook. I've left that alone.

But I can use the video and camera on my phone.

My ipod is goovin'. I don't need the itouch.

I think that some of this stuff is just too dang much!

Maybe with IT, what I already know (and don't) is fine.

Anymore that I need, I'm sure I'll get with time.

I think for now I'll stay where I am.

In fact, I've already come up with a better plan.

I'm gonna do what I do, and work really hard at that.

I'll eat healthier, and exercise more (find my hidden abs 6-pack).

I'll be more caring and kind , even in difficult situations.

I'll listen better, be more understanding, with friends and family relations.

More vacations, more beach time, more fun when I can.

That seems like enough of a 2011 plan.

As the new year approaches join me as I prepare,

And make time to be a BETTER YOU in this Happy New Year.

For more of my seasonal rhymes, see my blog: Two Weeks Before Chistmas (12/1/09); A New Year's Jingle (12/22/08); 'Twas The Night After Christmas (12/2/07, 12/12/07).

EASIER-THAN-IT-LOOKS Recipe: PUMPKIN PANCAKES

2010-11-20T09:31:00.000-08:00

It's the Holidays! How you do the Holidays depends on how you were raised, and the traditions you've developed over the years. These delicious, easy to make pumpkin pancakes are a great seasonal breakfast treat. And it's healthy. But more on the pancakes later. Yes, these pancakes will be a great addition to your family holiday traditions. However, for too many families there's a family tradition that can be eliminated,: The DRAMA! We don't need it.

Individuals and families develop a lot of emotional and relational baggage in the course of a lifetime. However families can provide a lot of emotional support, and provide strength to family members (and family friends). Love and happiness should be the plan at this time of the year (and all year!), especially when people don't live nearby or you don't see them often enough. Unfortunately, people bring their baggage. We fall into old family habits that create tension, and stress during a time that we're supposed to be taking a break from that. We need to be celebrating. Focus on enjoying each other this holiday season. And enjoy some tasty, nutritious, easy Pumpkin Pancakes.

PUMPKIN PANCAKES

Ingredients:

2 cups of your favorite dry pancake mix (whole wheat mix worked well)

1 1/2 cups milk

1 cup canned pure pumpkin puree (not pie filling)

1 egg, beaten

1 Tbsp vegetable oil, plus more for the pan

Optional Ingredients: (I didn't find the need to use these additional ingredients below. The pumpkin was sweet enough, with a strong flavor without these.)

3 Tbsp dark-brown sugar

2 1/2 tsp pumpkin-pie spice

1 tsp pure vanilla extract

Directions:

1. Add the ingredients to a large bowl. Stir until mostly smooth.

2. Heat a large lightly oiled frying pan or griddle. Pour the batter onto the griddle, using approx 1/4 cup for each pancake. Cook the pancakes until bubbles form in the batter and the edges begin to brown. Then flip them and cook until the other sides are lightly browned.

3. Serve with your favorite pure maple or Agave syrup.

(this recipe was adapted from MEN'S HEALTH Magazine, Oct. 2010)

Enjoy these pumpkin pancakes this holiday season, and enjoy each other!

The "bacon" in the picture is made of soy (put out by Morningstar Farms), tasty too!

Childhood Stress (Part 2: for Teenagers)

2010-09-21T12:59:00.000-07:00

Grown-ups are often reluctant to acknowledge that young people get stressed too. Maybe partly because grown-ups, including parents sometimes contribute to your stress. It's interesting that they can also help you relieve that stress, if they make themselves available, and listen to you without criticizing. You have to do your part, though. Learn what stresses you. For example peer pressure to do things that may not be good for you; school and tests, if you're not prepared; parents treating you like you are younger than you are, or expecting too much from you; and other things that upset you. Learn what stress does to you. It can make you sick. Make you do things without thinking them through first, or without considering the consequences (like getting into trouble). Make you mad at people that may have nothing to do with the situation. Stress can make you try to escape through drugs/alcohol or unhealthy activities. Yes, stress can be messed up. But you CAN handle it.

Before you let stress get the best of you, figure out how to handle it better. Choose your friends carefully. If you notice them bringing you down constantly or trying to pull you into situations that you know are not good for you, dump them. Take responsibility for yourself, what you say and do. Followers are more stressed. Have people in your life that you trust. They'll help you see different possible ways to deal with problems. Some parents, or other adults are good for this. Know that you are important, valuable even. So you deserve to be healthy, and happy. If you are not, DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT. Also people who think positively, are less stressed and more successful. Focus on your strengths, even though people around you may try to point out your faults. Those things that challenge you (and stress you), are opportunities for you to be stronger. You may be surprised at how good you can really be.

Childhood Stress (Part 1: for Parents)

2010-09-06T11:06:00.000-07:00

Yes, kids do have stress. And it is important to pay attention to it for some very good reasons. Including being able to help them learn to manage it healthily. As well as helping children avoid some of the negative effects of stress, including health problems (or making health conditions worse), delinquent behavior, alcohol and drug use, poor academic performance, and other behavior problems. I would say that over 90% of the children I've treated over the past 25 years presented with problems caused or exacerbated by stress in their lives. Children react to family crises, deaths, severe illness, and other traumatic events. However, they are also effected by the stress of family conflict, peer pressure, parental rules and expectations, school work and tests, and much more. Recall the stress of our childhoods. Similar to what effects children today in society (wars, crime, etc.), amplified by the media (and 24-hour per day news reporting), computers and the Internet.

Communication with your child gives them an outlet, and an opportunity to process their thoughts and feelings with someone they trust. Learn to listen to your children starting early. Situations will stress them differently as they grow. They need to have you available to them throughout their childhood and teenage years. Otherwise, certainly by the time they're teenagers, they will look for their answers outside of the home. Look for these signs of poor stress management: tantrums or other angry outbursts, declining grades, behavior problems (at school, home or the community), frequent health problems, drug or alcohol use, bad dreams or other sleep disturbance, bed wetting. Help your child by teaching them to relax, get exercise, eat and drink right, develop diverse interests, develop good study habits, learn to consider the consequences of their behavior, be age appropriately responsible for what they do and say. Of course, if you manage your stress well, and value the importance of stress management, you will be a good role model.

Next posting: Childhood Stress (Part 2: For Teenagers)

LET'S TALK ABOUT SEX...

2010-07-29T08:49:00.000-07:00

I was surprised when I noticed that I had written very little on this subject over the past 3 years of doing this blog. As a people, we think about it a lot (even triggered sometimes by tv commercials). We get involved in sexual fantasies and secrets. But we don't talk about it with our partners as much as we should. I don't want to generalize, but we are often reluctant to talk about it with the person we should feel closest to, and likely are (or should be) having sex with. Even in therapy sessions I find that it's difficult for people to address this subject, though it may be contributing to the problem(s) they've come in to resolve. I will sometimes teach people the words to use (and not use) to describe various aspects of sex.

Why is it important to be able to talk about sex? Well, it is an enjoyable, intimate part of a relationship. Usually the participants care about each other, and should be able to talk about any issue that involves them. It is an intense physical, and deeply emotional act, that sometimes doesn't work so well for a variety of reasons. In some cases, open and honest communication about this activity would require people to depend less on medicines, drugs, and alcohol in order to perform well. Perhaps if people were having enjoyable sex more with each other they would argue less, and cooperate more in other areas of their lives. Communicate better. Trust each other more.

My most important point here is about improving communication in a relationship, whether you are having sex or not. There are many other enjoyable aspects of happy relationships. If there are ANY areas of your relationship that cause you distress, or you are not as happy as you want (and deserve) to be, TALK ABOUT IT!

One more thing. By the time your child becomes a teenager, you should have had the "birds and bees talk." The updated version which includes a discussion of the value of abstinence, STD's, and contraception. If you can't do it, get some help with it.

EASIER-THAN-IT-LOOKS Recipe: MANGO AVOCADO SALAD

2010-07-15T09:57:00.000-07:00

Linda says this is TOO EASY to make. And I can tell you it tastes great, especially as a healthy snack or nutritious side dish at your summer barbecue. We first tried it this past July 4th at my brother's house. His wife Lidia made it. A few days later a friend of ours, Cindy, gave us a few bags of mangoes from her mango tree. Perfect timing! Give it a try, it's easier than it looks.

MANGO AVOCADO SALAD Recipe

INGREDIENTS:

1 large Mango (skin removed), chopped pieces

1 Avocado (skin removed), chopped

1 can Hearts of Palm

1/4 cup Lime Juice

PREPARATION:

Add the ingredients together in a serving bowl. This recipe serves 2 - 4 people. Increase the ingredients to serve more people.

[Be sure to check out our Easier-Than-It-Looks Mango bread recipe (posted 9/12/08).]

Father's Day Thoughts

2010-06-20T12:50:00.000-07:00

Another Father's Day rolls around, and I think about the many children out there who would love for their Dad to be happy about being their father. Too many children, and adults too, feel bad that their father seems to not want them nor care about them. That is a shame. Aside from the burden that it places on mother, grandparents, and other caretakers, often the child feels rejected. Like there is something wrong with them that caused dad to leave their life. Often, they grow into adults who have gone through life feeling that they are deficient in some way. Moms and the others who have taken the responsibility on themselves do a great job of compensating for the absence of a male parent. However, children need a (healthy) male role model in their lives for many reasons. Research suggests that children who have an active father (and mother) in their lives generally grow up to be healthier, ie. do better in school, get better jobs, commit less crime, use drugs less, and have healthier and happier relationships. Boys, specifically, need to learn from their father how to be a healthy male adult. Don't get me wrong. When they have to, Moms do a great job of parenting without Dads, and have for years. But the absence of a relationship with a father who is still alive has long lasting effects on the child, that have nothing to do with the mother. And if dad chooses to not be involved (hopefully, he's at least sending child support payments), it can be very helpful to have other healthy males (ie. relatives, friends, and when necessary a counselor) available to your child. Your child needs to be acknowledged and appreciated by both gender parent-figures, even in single gender parent homes.

So Happy Father's Day to those Dad's who are involved (even if you got involved late), and to you Mom's who deserve a second day of celebration if you've been doing twice the parenting job.

Summer "School"

2010-06-01T11:57:00.000-07:00

There are so many ways to make this an enriching summer for your kids, it's not funny. But you can relax and have fun with it. I have written about this before (see my postings: Summer Play School, 5/11/08; School's Out Soon, What To Do, 5/20/07), that you can use the summer months off from school to help your child learn some things that they didn't get during the normal school year. This can include practice or remedial work in specific school subjects that they didn't do well in (or even moving ahead academically in preparation for the upcoming school year). You can help them learn behavioral skills, like organization, study skills, impulse control, focus and concentration. You can help them improve their social/emotional development, IE. anger management, personal responsibility, empathy, self-esteem, unresolved grief work. And even though these are serious concerns, they (and you) can have fun with it. I develop these types of plans with families that I work with. But you can do it on your own. Get creative. Be patient.

Teenagers can be the most difficult to "trick" into learning something you want them to learn. It is best to collaborate with them on their personal growth "project." They'll appreciate you respecting their input, and be less inclined to fight you on it. In fact, you can let them take the lead, after you agree on the goals. This also gives you an opportunity to improve communication between you two, without the additional stress of school (IE. school expectations and responsibilities). Pre-teens and younger children can be easier, as "play" is a primary mode of functioning for them. You will be more effective gaining their participation if it's in play mode. For young and old children, rewards that are meaningful TO THEM will facilitate your success.

By the end of the summer, be sure to acknowledge your child's efforts, emphasizing the progress they've made. Celebrate them. Then develop the goals, plans and rewards for the upcoming school year. The time and energy that you put into it beforehand will help minimize the frustrations that you both experience during the year. The summer break should be a time away from the demands of school for you and your child. It is also an opportunity for you both.

WHAT ARE YOU SO MAD ABOUT?

2010-05-02T12:16:00.000-07:00

OK, so there are some good reasons to be angry. Just turn on the news. However, some people are too angry too much of the time. They seem to have an angry personality. As if nothing, and no one lives up to THEIR standards. Their kids will never get good enough grades. Their employee will never get enough work done. Their spouse has so many flaws you wonder how they could be together for so many years! People need to be more tolerant, patient, compassionate, and yes, more LOVING.

I do a lot of work with people who have anger management problems. Either they express anger too aggressively (sometimes resulting in violence); or they don't express it enough (sometimes resulting in depression). You can fix that (see my posting of 9/14/07, Anger Management). I'm concerned here with people who just seem angry at the world, and don't realize it's a problem. This can be the result of too much stress for too long. And/or depression. Maybe a sad, frustrating life. Sometimes having experienced a lot of hurt. Often they are alone, because people don't enjoy being around them. Take a real look at how you relate to people. Do they disappoint you too much? Could YOU be described as "mean" sometimes? Start today being nicer to people. You will be happier (and what have you got to lose?).

Anger is a normal emotion. Express it in a healthy way. It's best to respond to situations that trigger your anger when it happens (if possible). [REMINDER: Yelling, and demeaning the person is not a healthy way of expressing your frustration.] Then move on. Get over it! Use your anger to accomplish something productive, for example get motivated to resolve a relationship problem or fix a work situation, improve your performance (as in a game or sport).

Don't be a hater!

CONGRATULATIONS TO KARAE AND MONIQUE FOR COMPLETING THE BROAD STREET

1/2-MARATHON (in Philadelphia) THIS PAST WEEKEND!

MAKE A 'PLAN B'

2010-04-08T11:27:00.000-07:00

I've been talking to people lately about the benefits of developing a "Plan B" as a backup to plans that they may have in place. You know, just in case things don't work out the way you would have liked for them to. It is sometimes really hard to do. We often feel that if we think about other options, then we're not having enough confidence in our "Plan A," and won't put enough energy and motivation into making that work. That we're sabotaging ourselves. No. It really is better to have as many options available to you as possible. Allow yourself to be creative, to think outside the box. When possible consider Plans A, B, and C. So if there are goals that you have, for example in personal relationships, your job and career, your family, investments, develop a backup plan, so you don't feel lost if things don't go the way you planned.

Now, I realize that this is all based on the idea that you plan at all. Perhaps I should be talking about how important it is to plan in the first place. Of course if you don't have plans, a direction, or goals then it's hard to know where you're headed. And the more you are able to visualize what you want/need to have in your life, then the more likely you are to attain that. The more we focus on past unattained goals, failures (which we've all had), or obstacles in our lives, the more we'll repeat those errors. Look forward. Make a plan, then make a back up plan (Plan B). Remember: IF YOU FAIL TO PLAN, THEN YOU PLAN TO FAIL.

CONGRATULATIONS TO THE DUKE UNIVERSITY MEN'S BASKETBALL TEAM FOR WINNING THE NCAA BASKETBALL CHAMPIONSHIP FOR 2010.

SLOW DOWN, ... WHAT'S THE RUSH?

2010-03-21T18:31:00.000-07:00

"Patience is a virtue." Our parents used to say that when we were kids. Trying to get us to slow down, not to need things so immediately. It seems like many of us didn't learn from that. In fact we've even abbreviated the phrase, now it's "chill out." We rush here. We rush there. Not only do people speed around in their cars, but also can't wait until they get home to make that phone call. Or even wait to write that letter they want to send, so they're texting while they drive (read my posting of 09/16/08, Don't Text While Driving). OMG! Slow down.

Our need for immediate gratification sometimes causes us problems. We rush through relationships. People are "falling in love" before they know each other for a few months, sometimes even before they meet thanks to the internet (for more on the need for patience in relationships, read my posting of 5/11/07, Make It Through The Night, To Make It To Better Days). And we've learned a lot about the health hazards of "fast" food, and those "crash" diets. The hurried life style also contributes to a lot of anxiety. We worry so much about what's going to happen in the future that we miss out on enjoying the present. So whenever you're feeling rushed, or worried about tomorrow, take a deep breath, and acknowledge your life in the here and now. Be mindful of the good things in your life now ( see Turn Off The Lights, from 7/10/08 for more on mindfulness). In fact, don't rush off right now to do the next thing you have planned. Take a few minutes to appreciate your life. Remember: Good things come to those who wait!

Love Yourself Too (This Valentine's Day)

2010-02-02T08:51:00.000-08:00

[Taken from Louise L. Hay's 2010 calendar: You Can Heal Your Life]

When we really love and accept and approve of ourselves exactly as we are, then everything in life works. It's as if little miracles are everywhere. Our health improves, we attract more money, our relationships become much more fulfilling, and we begin to express ourselves in creatively fulfilling ways. All this seems to happen without even trying.

Loving and approving of yourself, creating a space of safety, trusting and deserving and accepting, will create organization in your mind, create more loving relationships in your life, attract a new job and a new and better place to live, and even allow your body weight to normalize. People who love themselves and their bodies neither abuse themselves nor others.

Self-approval and self-acceptance in the now are the main keys to positive changes in every area of our lives.

HAVE A HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

(for some ideas about that go to my posting of 2/12/09, "Go Ahead Be A Valentine")

YOU ASKED FOR IT: Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

2010-01-10T13:33:00.000-08:00

One of my readers suggested this topic, " How do you know when to end a relationship?" I'm surprised I haven't spoken on this before. I guess that's because my intention is for relationships to work out. However, sometimes they don't, and then it's time to split. Let me first say that if you are in a relationship in which you are being mistreated, and forgiveness isn't a realistic option ( see my posting of 10/1/07, Forgiveness ), you should consider ending it sooner rather than later.

Most relationships that you choose start out being fun, but too often they go bad. You do want to get to know the person as well as possible before committing yourself to them. However, as soon as you see it's not working out the way you want/need for it to you have to take action. The sooner the better. Talk about what you see happening. The two of you commit to making some changes, even if you're partner is happy with the way things are. If you are not happy in the relationship, then something is wrong that the TWO of you have to fix. You are not responsible for your partner's happiness. We are responsible for our own feelings. However you are responsible for, and have made a commitment to the relationship, and to making it work FOR BOTH OF YOU. You're both responsible, 50 - 50 (mostly), for what happens in the relationship. And you, individually, give 100% to making it work.

Many people say they've done "everything" thing they could, "tried everything," and it still doesn't work. Before splitting, try counseling. Another perspective on the relationship can help you see how you're both still contributing to the problems. Usually it's bad habits that the two of you have developed with each other, that continue to undermine your efforts. I often suggest that the couple identify 2 or 3 things about your partner that you like and want them to keep doing; a couple of things that you don't like and want them to stop doing; and a few things that you want them to start doing. Choose 1 in each category to start working on. Choose a time frame, maybe 3 to 6 months, to see some effort and change. Determine that at the end of that period, if things are still not working, that you consider changing the relationship, for example trial separation or something more permanent. Of course, during that time you want to communicate as much as possible, without arguing (after all what's the use in arguments at this point), about progress (or lack thereof) that you see. Progress should include improved communication and trust (two of the biggest complaints I hear from couples), improved expression of love (see my blog of 9/22/07. All You Need Is Love), and improved feelings of happiness and optimism.

If you decide to split, it should be with mutual agreement. Especially if you have kids, you want to be able to maintain a healthy co-parenting relationship. I have seen, and continue to see parents who are angry and antagonistic towards each other be unaware of the damage being done to their kids (even though it is obvious). That is very sad. A happy relationship is the best thing you can have in your life. You deserve to have it. Do what you need to do to fix yours, or find the right one.

NO RESOLUTIONS FOR 2010

2010-01-01T12:54:00.000-08:00

I'm sure you're thinking that I have come up with a new way to get you to promise to do some things in 2010 that you really won't be able to do. No. I'm not. I believe that resolutions, promises you make to yourself (and sometimes others) and then usually break, are not what I want us to do this year. That has become a bad habit that we've developed, that gets triggered by the New Year. Also, I heard on the news that 35% of people make New Years resolutions (I'm sure more than that at least think about making a few), and only 8% keep them. That stinks! So I'm going to suggest, NO resolutions this year, go ahead and live your life.

I am continuing to encourage you to think (some) about the choices you make, and the short and long term effects of your actions. Of course we don't feel great about all of the decisions that we make, but make them CONSCIOUSLY. That would mean not automatically lighting a cigarette as soon as you get in the car. Think about it first. The same with having that last drink "for the road" before leaving your friends' house. It means thinking about what you're doing, when you allow your partner or your kids to talk disrespectfully to you. Also not just automatically being rude (or mean) to someone, especially someone you love.

This approach to life helps you be more responsible for your behavior. No more, "I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking." You won't have to feel like: "Wow, I gained those extra 20 pounds before I knew it." You'll know. You will also be more aware, more focused, and I think more confident as you make things happen in your life. You'll be happier with yourself, and the people that you choose to spend your time with. So I would say for 2010, to Live Your Life! Have a happy, healthy, prosperous New Year, if you choose to.

Look what we did...

EASIER - THAN - IT- LOOKS RECIPE: Turtle Pumpkin Pie

2009-11-15T14:35:00.000-08:00

Linda is making this dessert for our Thanksgiving Dinner. I'm pretty sure there will be other things at our family Dinner, but I'll be looking forward to this as a beautiful ending to the meal. We haven't actually tried it yet, so I can't recommend it based on our own experience, as I usually do, but it seems to have all of the right flavors for me. And it seems easy. She found it as an advertisement in a PEOPLE Magazine (Nov. 16, 2009), and will add it to her RED COOKBOOK. We want to hear from those of you who try it. If you have a special holiday recipe that you would like to share, please send it to us.

TURTLE PUMPKIN PIE

Ingredients:

1/4 cup plus 2 Tbsp. caramel ice cream topping, divided

1 graham cracker pie crust (6 oz.)

1/2 cup plus 2 Tbsp. chopped pecans, divided

2 pkg. (3.4 oz. each) vanilla flavor instant pudding

1 cup cold milk

1 cup canned pumpkin

1 tsp. ground cinnamon

1/2 tsp.ground nutmeg

1 tub (8 oz) whipped topping, thawed, divided

POUR 1/4 cup caramel topping into crust; sprinkle with 1/2 cup nuts.

BEAT pudding mixes, milk, pumpkin and spices with whisk until blended. Stir in 1 1/2 cups whipped topping. Spoon into crust.

REFRIGERATE 1 hour. Top with remaining whipped topping, caramel topping and nuts just before serving.

Prep Time: 15 minutes, plus refrigeration time. Serves 10

____________

It does look pretty easy, and there's no baking. I'm looking forward to it. Enjoy your holidays. For this one, take some time to give thanks for the good things in your life, including the strength that you have to change the things that you need to change.

[Photo copied from website; looks yummy, doesn't it?]

HAVE A HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

OH, HOW RUDE!!

2009-11-08T08:42:00.000-08:00

How many times have you said this, or at least thought it? Too many times. Especially lately. It seems like rudeness is getting worse. Me and the wife (it's not rude to refer to her as "the wife," is it?) are having some lunch at the local Whole Foods. Not your ritzy restaurant, but you gotta eat. This woman was having a loud cell phone conversation standing a few feet away. C'mon! Our dirty looks didn't work. Without thinking too much about it, I started speaking loudly to my lovely wife. The rude woman couldn't hear who she was talking to on her phone. She huffed, and took it outside. Did she learn anything? Probably not. Did Linda and I exchange a hearty fist bump (and a good laugh)? We sure did.

I find that I have to tolerate so much rudeness nowadays. I try to find opportunities to fight back (politely). I implore you to help fight this terrible trend in our country. I do it mostly by being nice to and considerate of people, when I can. By ignoring a lot of what unmannerly, selfish people do. And then occasionally just refusing to tolerate it (like we did at Whole Foods). I was reading a Psychology Today (December, 2009) on this topic. There was a suggestion that the advances in technology are partly responsible. Cell phones, e-mail, the internet including social networks (like MySpace, and Facebook) do offer a lot more opportunities to be rude, even anonymously. But it's PEOPLE who are rude. We are responsible for our rudeness. And just because it's easier now, and so many people do it, you are not relieved of your responsibility to display good manners, be courteous, and, yes, to even be kind to your fellow human beings.

I don't care if it's your culture (to not say thank you for a door held open for you), or if it's a child (that you speak rudely to), or you think you have a good reason (to flip someone off who beeped their car horn to avoid an accident with you while you were on your cell phone or texting, and not paying attention). Be Respectful.

Remember how connected everyone felt after 9/11? Flying flags and being nice to each other. Proud to be an American. Love and brotherhood were in the air. Well the air is stinking with rudeness now. Here's an idea (I don't think it's new). Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.

One last thing: Telephone solicitors who call every Sunday evening at dinner time need to stop it. HOW RUDE!

DRAMA IS A DRUG! KICK THE HABIT.

2009-10-25T12:45:00.000-07:00

I heard this comment on a TV show last week (Mercy, on NBC). It inspired me to revisit the subject of "drama" (Read my posting of 5/6/07, Mother's Day Drama). There is too much of it, real and imagined. Don't get me wrong. Stuff happens. Sometimes situations are emotionally charged. But too many people thrive on this. Often they pull other people in. So, there is 'mild' drama, as when you make plans with friends and something (drama?) comes up with them to require that you make last minute changes in the plan. Understandable, once in a while. But often is too much.

Drama has varying levels of severity. For example, there are those people who are always in conflict (arguing with the store cashier, cursing out their doctor's secretary, hassling the paper boy), and people ending up in the ER or involved with the police, or other "emergencies." Again, everyone has things that happen. But drama queens/kings (YES, there are drama kings too!) tend to have drama all the time, either their own or some to gossip about.

I don't mean to be judging. I am TOTALLY in favor of people living their lives in a way that works for them. But drama can be disruptive, stressful, and exhausting. So, first of all try not to involve others so much in your drama (unless they're into it too, but you better check). More importantly, take a look at your life. If you're having a lot of drama, consider kicking the habit. If you are not sure if you are a drama king or queen, ask your friends. They are dying to tell you.

If you want to make some changes, consider thinking more about options before you act. Some of the relationships that you have may need to change. Limit the drama that you allow people to bring to your door. It's easy to get sucked in. Learn to relax more. And finally, find other, healthier ways to add fun and excitement to your life.

GET KNOCKED DOWN? YOU GOTTA GET BACK UP.

2009-10-10T12:22:00.000-07:00

A lot of people I know, including people I've worked with have suffered through events and situations that were traumatizing for them. They've been knocked down by life. People have lost loved ones, or relationships; lost their jobs, their homes, their savings. A lot of loss. Some of us have suffered through severe illnesses (our own, a friend's, or a family members). We also sometimes get bad news, that throws us for a loop. Life can be really hard to manage sometimes. It can feel like too much. How do you deal with it?

You have got to get back up. Here's how: (with some help from the November issue of AARP Magazine)

1. Give yourself time to grieve. Don't rush through it. The pain is difficult, but necessary. Talk to people. Write in a journal. Engage the sadness, anger, betrayal that you may feel, but don't allow it to engulf you. Allow yourself some distractions.

2. Rely on others. Use a support system of friends, family, your church, support groups (including online) to help you through the hard times. Consider counseling. A burden is more manageable when others help carry it.

3. Learn to be optimistic. People who think positively, and are optimistic tend to recover faster from tragedy. [see my postings, When Life Gives You Lemons, 8/28/08; The Glass Is Not Empty, 3/11/08]

4. Develop your spirituality. People who are active in a religious faith, have an sense of a higher good, or are in touch with spiritual values are usually more resilient.

5. Exercise, eat healthy, and be good to yourself. Play more.

6. Give back. People who give back to their community (by volunteering, giving to charity, etc.) are typically happier, and live longer.

7. Pick your battles. Focus on the things that you can change, and don't spend time on the things that you can't control.

Resiliency is "the ability to rebound... from a crisis or trauma." Some people are born with more of a capacity for this. Others of us have to learn it. Children tend to be more naturally resilient. However, there may be events that are traumatic for them, which wouldn't necessarily be for adults. Like moving, seeing or being involved in an accident, hospital stays, loss of a pet. They may not know to ask for help, but you've got to help them adjust. Know that there is life after the pain. Negative events can often present an opportunity to grow, to become a better person.

For an inspiring case study of this subject read Resilience, by Alonzo Mourning.

EASIER-THAN-IT-LOOKS-RECIPE: Apple Brown Budgie

2009-09-25T17:28:00.000-07:00

We lived in Yonkers (New York) before moving to S. Florida. In the Fall, Linda and I would take our two young daughters a little further upstate, to pick apples. She would then make this Apple Brown Budgie dessert (pronounced like boogie, but with the d) . It is a Fall dessert (think about it for Thanksgiving). It tastes GREAT served warm with ice cream.

APPLE BROWN BUDGIE

Butter a deep baking dish. Put in it:

4 cups sliced tart apples (peeled)

1/2 cup water

Mix with a fork:

3/4 cup flour (we use whole wheat flour)

1 cup brown sugar (unless you prefer white)

1 teaspn cinnamon

1/2 cup melted butter

(optional: chopped walnuts)

Spread the mix over the apples. Bake for about 30 minutes at 350 degrees until the apples are tender, and the crust is brown. This recipe serves 6 to 8 people, but you're all going to want a second serving so plan ahead.

It's good, and it's easy.

HEALTH CARE REFORM: CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?

2009-09-11T13:17:00.000-07:00

As you know, I try to stay away from politics and religion (see my posting, Religion and Politics, 3/20/08). You really can't win discussing these things with people who have opposing views. Health care reform should not be political (nor religious). It seems like so many people know that things need to change, but fight strongly against the efforts being made. I listened to our President speak on it the other night, and I do believe that everybody needs to at least agree that some changes need to be made. For example: too many people can't afford health insurance (good health care should be a right, not a privilege), therefore many many people don't have it; people who don't have it end up in the emergency room more often, so we as taxpayers end up paying for it (and generally, it's a lot more expensive); and the "pre-existing condition" loophole that insurance companies use to deny coverage, often after you've already been paying for years, is TOTALLY RIDICULOUS. There's more, but I expect (and hope) that we pretty much agree so far.

I want to address this issue from 2 perspectives. I am a consumer, and a health care provider. As a consumer, at 55 I have most likely had some health issue that is going to prevent me from changing my health insurance because of a (here we go...) preexisting condition. So my current insurance company can continue to raise my premium, which my last one did every year, and I can't change to a new one. Did I mention that my policy is already quite expensive? With a large deductible. And my policy doesn't cover non-traditional medical care. I'm not happy with traditional care because of its focus on drugs and surgery (though I know they are both necessary in many situations). The last time I saw my doctor he told me that vitamins and nutrition supplements are useless (as he wrote my prescription)! I got a new doctor.

As a health care provider, I'm again aware of how many people who need help can't get it because they don't have insurance, and can't afford to pay (even with our sliding scale fee). Children, and families who REALLY need help, can't get the quality help that they need. Actually, some of these families do have health insurance, but their insurance company only allows their subscribers to go to a limited number of counselors. And there are very few (especially males) in our community who work with children.

This is definitely not all about insurance companies. There are actually a lot of great health insurance plans out there from my perspective as a consumer, and a provider. My point is that everybody should have access to those types of plans, and the best in health care coverage. This country needs universal health care (whatever name you give it). Can we all agree on that, and put our collective efforts towards making that a reality in this country? So many other countries are doing it so much better than we are, and America is paying a lot more for health care than they are. That is sad. Let's get it done.

One last thing. The most important part of changing health care, is improving how we care for our own health. We have to be responsible for taking care of ourselves and our children. That means (yes, I'll lay it out there, though this ain't nothing new) exercise, less fast foods, moderating our bad habits, less sugar (and high fructose corn syrup), etc., etc,. As I said earlier, let's get it done.

We send our positive thoughts and prayers to the families of those who were lost on 9/11/01.

(See my blog posting of 9/1/08)

STRESS, ...HAVE YOU HAD ENOUGH YET?

2009-08-28T13:05:00.000-07:00

I bet you think I write a lot about stress and stress management. [Stress, It Adds Up, 9/28/08; Change Your Mind, 5/10/08; Managing Job Related Stress, 4/10/08; Happy Holidays?, 10/18/07; Take A Moment,... Breathe, 10/10/07; A Happy Marriage Helps Relieve Stress, 6/25/07; Childhood Stress, 4/15/07 & 4/24/07; Managing Stress At The Job, 3/16/07] Well, I guess I do. It's for a good reason. There's so much of it in our lives. And it effects us a lot. But how can you tell when you've had too much? Well, that one's easy. You get sick. You get headaches, stomach ulcers, high blood pressure, skin rashes, anxiety, depression, various addictions, etc. Of course, I could go on. But you get the point. Too much stress will killya! You can postpone that with medicines. And then more medicines to treat the side effects of the other medicines. But why wait until it's too late? We have to be aware of the less obvious signs that your stress level is getting dangerous for your health, BEFORE YOU GET SICK. You've got to know when you've had enough!

You know stress is starting to effect you when,... you start to argue more; get angry quicker and about little things; you are more and more distracted at work; get more forgetful ("Honey, where did I put my keys?"); become more accident prone; start drinking, smoking, or eating more; you feel more tired; sleep is more restless, or you start having more bad dreams; you worry more about everything; you may develop fears, or old ones may resurface. I could go on and on. But that's probably ENOUGH! What do you do about it? You mostly know (and there's a list above to refer to). The important thing is to USE WHAT YOU KNOW. One thing I will mention is that you have to take your vacations (and not just the long weekends). In Europe they get 1 to 2 months paid vacations. We average about a week. Guess who lives longer. Stress effects us every day.You've had enough.

Our prayers go out to the family of Senator Edward Kennedy who died this past week.

EASIER-THAN-IT-LOOKS RECIPE: Linda's Broccoli Feta Pasta

2009-07-18T12:12:00.000-07:00

Linda's Broccoli Feta Pasta is one of my favorite dishes that she makes. We had it for this past Father's Day dinner. Quite tasty!! Very healthy (especially if you substitute whole wheat pasta). And, as you can see it looks good. She says that it is easy to make. Here's how...

INGREDIENTS

1 Head of fresh broccoli (you can substitute frozen broccoli)

3/4 lb. Pasta - preferably ziti (we use whole wheat)

1 pkg. Feta cheese

2 -3 cloves chopped garlic

cooking oil (we use olive oil)

crushed red pepper (optional)

parsley (optional)

COOKING INSTRUCTIONS

Cut florets of broccoli into bite-sized pieces. Saute chopped garlic in large skillet with enough oil to generously cover the bottom of the pan. Add broccoli and saute until crisp and tender. Remove from heat. Meanwhile, cook the pasta according to package instructions, al dente. Pour the broccoli mixture over the pasta. Crumble feta cheese into pasta mixture, to taste. If you are using red pepper, add it to taste. Sprinkle a little parsley for color. Toss and enjoy. Bon Apetit!

"Date Night" (part 2):How To Find A Date...

2009-06-26T10:17:00.000-07:00

1. Be sure you want a date.

Often people think they do want someone but may not yet be resolved about a past relationship (maybe anger, trust issues, etc.). If that is the case it's going to be difficult to welcome someone new into your life. We also tend to project that ambivalence to others, making it less likely that someone will approach us. On the other hand, it's important to KNOW that you are looking for a "date" and not a spouse. You'll tend to dismiss potential dates who may not "measure up" as someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with. Even if marriage is your long term goal, get a date first. Get to know them. Then (maybe) consider their potential as a partner.

2. Visualize Mr. or Ms. Right.

The better that you can visualize the person that you want to be with, the more likely you will meet them. This is not magic (although it can certainly feel like it), it just makes sense. If you know who you're looking for, you'll more easily recognize and be motivated to connect with that person. Also, you will send out a vibe that attracts that person to you. That is, when interacting with this person you will be more relaxed and comfortable, project and invite interest (ie. smile more, make good eye contact, feel and appear to be more confident, etc), and listen better. All of this makes it more likely that you'll make a connection, with the right person.

3. Pay Attention. Make Eye Contact. Smile.

Now that you know who you're looking for, it's important to be mindful of your goal in the various social situations that you find yourself in. And just about everything you do outside of your home is in a "social situation". When you are out pay attention to the people that you come into contact with. Project confidence (even if it is an act right now). Get into the habit of making eye contact with people. And smile more. Smiles are more inviting than frowns or the impersonal ("stay away") look most of us walk around with.

You have to be patient. It will be worth the time that you have to put in to find a good date. We've all been on bad dates. They are the opposite of fun! Practice paying attention to people who notice you. Practice making eye contact, saving your smile until you feel more comfortable (and confident) sending out that kind of invitation.

4. Go Ahead And Meet People.

The bar scene is not for everyone. And you really can meet people anywhere. Let's first address the internet. I have known people who have had success with dating sites (for example, Match.com and eHarmony), or the various social networks (for example, Facebook and MySpace ). Just because they weren't around in our earlier dating days is not a good reason not to trust it. But of course, be careful. Other places to explore are bookstores (sit, read, and be seen), Starbucks,the beach (many beautiful sights out there), bowling, skating, dog parks, the mall, etc., etc.

5. Be Careful. (Don't Trust Love At First Sight

Don't fall in love too quickly. Trust your gut feelings, and pay attention to "red flags". Of course, the "right" date is going to be fun. He or she may be a good listener, seem caring, and feel good. That is a great start, but you have got to get to know them. Give yourself AT LEAST six (6) months before "falling in love." The effort that you put in now will pay off later!

"Date Night": If The Obamas Can Do It, So Can We

2009-06-15T14:32:00.000-07:00

Michelle and Barack Obama have a date night every week. At least they try very hard to do so. Of course, if the President is visiting troops in Afghanistan, and attending high-level meetings in the Middle East one week, then they may have to reschedule. The First Lady stays pretty busy too. They both have parenting responsibilities, and do many of the other things you and I have to do. But as busy as they are, they usually find some time for each other. Date Night.

Perhaps the Obamas don't have some of the obstacles that the rest of us do. Finances, babysitters, getting reservations, or having Secret Service protection available (just kidding!). But those are things that we just have to figure out. The value of finding time to spend with your partner is priceless. We all need the opportunity for individual loving attention. The acknowledgement that we are worthwhile and appreciated that is reflected in our loved one's eyes. And it doesn't have to only be date "night." It could be date day, or weekend, or couple of hours alone. It can be breakfast out, a sporting event, or exploring some new activity. Find some time for the two of you to enjoy together, alone.

And for those of you who ask the question: "What's date night, without a date?" Well, it's an opportunity to find one. But I'll address that in a future blog posting.

Parents, ... Your Kids Will Follow Your Lead

2009-06-06T16:50:00.000-07:00

This applies more so to younger children, but also to adolescents depending on how good your communication is with your teen (see my blog of 11/9/07, "Teenagers,... What Can I Say?"). People are sometimes surprised when I tell them that I work with very young children. I have frequent success helping families fix their kid's behavior problems. That would be tantrums, aggression, self-stimulation, defiance, eating problems (eg. pickiness, or refusal), bed-wetting/toilet-training, hyperactivity, school problems (once they become of age), or other problem behaviors. Actually, my experience has been that young children's behavior tends to change fairly dramatically shortly after they begin treatment. This primarily depends on the participation of the parents.

Your child's problem behavior is often in response to their effort to adjust to a new situation, the stress level in the home (or school), a need for more or different attention, their diet, or other situations in their life. Parents are typically the ones with control over the child's environment. Young children also have not yet had time for the behavior to become a habit.

So if your child's behavior needs to change, consider changing yours and see how it affects them. The approach I use (and not just with children) is ABC. 'A', for antecedent (what's happening before the behavior that may be triggering it). 'B' for the behavior. And 'C' for the consequence of the behavior, ie. what typically happens as a result of the behavior. Try changing 'A' or 'C' and the behavior is bound to change. Figuring this out can be as simple as A, B, C!

Healthy In, Healthy Out: Be Careful Of Eating Meat

2009-05-17T13:58:00.000-07:00

Once I decided to be a vegetarian, I was very proud of myself. At the time, I wasn't really sure about doing it, but thought I'd give it a try. That was about 35 years ago (wow! Am I that old??). I did slip back into the meat-eating world for a few years, early on (and I have to say, I enjoyed it!). But for the last 30 years I could call myself a vegetarian. I do eat fish. I believe in healthy eating, and the vegetarian lifestyle. I'll tell you why.

I basically try to be a healthy guy. Especially since I'm getting "older," I want to pay more attention to my genetic predispositions, effects of cumulative stress, possible danger lurking in the drugs and food products that people make ga-zillions of dollars selling to us, and my own bad habits. I also feel a responsibility to my family to be as healthy as I can be.

So with all of that in mind, here's what I think. Meat is not good for you. If you're a meat-eater, eat it in moderation. I'm not saying that it's totally bad, obviously it's not. But there are enough bad things about it to pay attention to how much of it you eat. Much of the meat that's sold comes from animals that have been given antibiotics, and other drugs to help them survive unhealthy living conditions. Meat generally has a lot of saturated fat (and if you're going to eat fat, you don't want it to be "saturated"). It's high in cholesterol. It causes an increase in blood pressure that a vegetarian diet does not. The vegetarian diet is high in complex carbohydrates and fiber (found in plant foods), and low in fat and sugar. These are very important things for people concerned about (or having a family history of) diabetes, heart disease, hypertension, and cancer. Also pay attention to this if you are overweight, because that can be harmful long term.

All I'm saying is to think about what you eat before you eat it. Especially think about the meat that you eat. While I've got your attention,think about including more fruits and vegetables in your diet. They can be quite tasty, and have long term health benefits. I'll discuss that more in the future. HEALTHY IN, HEALTHY OUT!

Change Your Mind... (Managing Job Stress, part 2)

2009-05-10T18:25:00.000-07:00

I wrote last time about changing some of your behaviors to reduce stress in your life, and manage your job stress better. There are some things that you can think about differently at work, which will make your job (and your life) more enjoyable. Could you believe that you could enjoy your job, instead of just suffering through it everyday? You definitely can. These are some of the things that I try to do, and that I suggest to people trying to manage their job stress better. (from Don't Stress The Small Stuff at Work, by Richard Carlson).

Dare To Be Happy. Most of us wish we didn't have to work. Fortunately you have a job, enjoy it. People often assume that someone who is relaxed or happy at work must not be a hard worker, or lacks motivation. Happy people are usually highly motivated, creative, enthusiastic, and fun to be around. Give it a try. Don't worry, be happy!

Create a Bridge Between Your Spirituality and Your Work. Take the essence of who you are and what you believe into your daily work. If kindness, patience, honesty, forgiveness, and generosity are spiritual qualities that you believe in, make an effort to practice these qualities at work. Even if you must reprimand or confront someone, do it with love and respect.

Examine Your Rituals and Habits (And Be Willing To Change Some Of Them). Sometimes our habits (which we may not even be aware of) cause us additional stress. For example, always being in a hurry, drinking too much caffeine and feeling nervous a lot, being grumpy in the morning instead of friendly to the people you work with, going to bed too late or too early, etc. See if it helps to change them.

Pat Yourself On The Back. Your mistakes get pointed out enough. Give yourself credit for the good stuff that you do.

Recover Quickly. We all mess up sometimes. It's important that you recover quickly, and learn from your mistakes.

Let go of battles that can't be won. Continuously beating your head against the wall will only give you a headache.

Don't Let Your Own Thoughts Stress You Out. We sometimes forget that thoughts are only thoughts, not reality. Our worries can stress us out just like the real thing. Also our worries interfere with our focus and concentration.

Think about changing your mindset regarding your job. Try making a small change, you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Plan Your Summer (Now)

2009-05-01T13:52:00.000-07:00

Isn't it time you took a vacation? Or planted that garden? Or even got in touch with that relative that you've been angry at, and agree to forgive and forget? Hey, maybe it's time to check on your progress with those New Year's resolutions that you made a few months ago. Recently, there's been a lot of things to feel bad about. Of course you could get into a negative head. DON'T DO IT!! [see my posting of 3/11/08, The Glass Is Not Empty] Use this summer to do something good for yourself.

For example, for the past couple of years I've suggested that parents plan a summer in which they work with their kids on overcoming an obstacle, or developing a skill (Summer Play School, 5/11/08; School's Out, What To Do, 5/20/07). How about we all choose something to work on this summer. PLEASE take my word for it, some small change, for a few weeks can have long lasting, beneficial results. Here are some examples...

Let's say, you're a smoker. You know it's not good for you, but you like it. How about you see if you can survive for 30 days, smoking 1 less cigarette per day. So if you smoke a pack-a-day, try smoking 1 less per day (19 instead of 20) for a month. In about 3 weeks you'll have saved a pack's worth (about $5?). If you can reduce 1 more cigarette (per day) per month for 9 more months, you'll be down to 1/2 a pack-a-day. At that point you could just enjoy feeling more energy (maybe less coughing and throat irritation, improved skin tone, etc.), or decide about quitting completely.

If you're trying to drop some weight, like me, then perhaps you can use these next 2 months to experiment with some eating, and/or exercise changes. Make a goal of losing 1 pound per week. That's a good small step. 10 pounds by September 1. Then decide if the diet/exercise change is too much to maintain. If not, you could be down 20 lbs. by the end of November. Down 25 lbs. by the end of the year.

You know how important I think stress management is (Stress, It Adds Up, 9/28/08; Take A Moment, ..Breathe, 10/10/07; A Happy Marriage..., 6/25/07 ; Managing Stress At The Job, 3/16/07) Try something new to manage your stress for the summer. Keep a journal and see what ideas come to you about getting unstuck in an area of your life (see The "Jump Start Your Life" Plan..., 2/6/09).

Have a Summer Date Night once a week.

Take a computer course.

Take the opportunity this summer to do something different, fun, and life enhancing...

Managing Job Related Stress (part 1)

2009-04-10T13:26:00.000-07:00

This is a subject that we've all got to deal with. Including those of us who are looking for a job. This topic includes dealing with the stress of managing relationships at work, including doing the job itself (of course some jobs are more stressful than others), and, what many of us are not as aware of, the stress related to your job that occurs outside of the work place. These are things like scheduling (for example juggling meals, appointments, the kids' activities, etc.), commuting, managing finances, level of personal job satisfaction. To a large extent our lives can revolve around our jobs. And for the most part, we're happy to have one, but the stress adds up.

A BIG concern for me when working with a client suffering from job stress (I do a lot of Employee Assistance Program counseling), is determining if their job IS their life (and their life IS their job). This can be a big part of their problem because it means that if the job situation goes bad, then their life goes bad. As opposed to having a life outside of their job, which can allow them some outlets, and provide them some support when they need it. My first recommendation is to find some enjoyable activities outside of work. This provides stress relief. An important part of this is the relationships that you have outside of work. A loving enjoyable relationship with a partner, or a happy family life, adds so much to your life. You can come home and get rejuvenated. You end up not taking your work so seriously. Of course, if you have a stressful family life, it makes things ten times worse. You can end up going to work to escape your home-life stress. You have to fix that.

The phrase "get a life" has a lot of significance especially if you have a lot of job related stress. Exercise, get a hobby, go to the beach, get some friends to spend time with, and by all means USE YOUR VACATION TIME.

In future postings I'll discuss how to manage stress at work (for now take a look at what I wrote on 3/16/07, Managing Stress At The Job), as well as describe some of the effects on your health and life, of not managing your job-related stress well. And as you can imagine, it can get pretty bad. TO BE CONTINUED...

An Open Letter To Rihanna and Chris Brown

2009-04-02T10:15:00.000-07:00

I would have written sooner, but in addition to the sadness I felt about your situation, I was angry. Rather than judging your struggle to manage your relationship, I wanted to write something that would be helpful to you (and my readers). I counsel people in troubled relationships, as well as people with anger problems. If you two are going to stay together you have got a lot of work to do.

I've known of a lot of explainations for why people tolerate domestic violence, or other forms of abuse. There are theories that suggest that childhood experiences set the stage for giving or receiving violence. My advice is for you to grow up. You can grow beyond those experiences. And, you can get the help that you need to learn to communicate in a loving caring way, including to resolve conflict. If you do love each other, as you say you do, then act like it. (By the way, this goes for those of you who think it's OK to beat your kids. You need to learn to communicate with them better also, even when their behavior frustrates you.)

So Chris, is this you being a man? You get mad so you feel that you can beat your woman? Come on brother. And where is all of the cool that you display, and "man-ness" you represent to the kids who idolize you when you walk out on the stage to perform? Is it ALL an act? You were angry. I get it. Sorry, that's no excuse.

Rihanna, you present as a strong, together, model of womanhood. Don't fail yourself, and the girls and women who look up to you. Taking abuse or any form of mistreatment is not love. No. You, nor anyone, deserves to be punished like that. I don't know if this is the first time this has happened to you, but believe me, it will happen again (and again) if you don't make some changes. Now.

I'm told that you guys are taking a break from each other. Good. Usually as the wounds heal and the memory fades, people resume their same relationship habits. DO NOT go back to what you had. Get it right.

Easier-Than-It-Looks Recipe: Seafood Lasagna

2009-03-03T12:04:00.000-08:00

This is quite tasty, however I'm not so sure that it's that easy to make. It apparently is for Linda, but lasagna is not easy for me to make. I'm not sure why. It is DEFINITELY worth the effort. One of the main ingredients, the noodles, has been changed from the original recipe. It was originally made with white lasagna noodles. It does tastes good that way, but as you probably know by now I've tried to eliminate white carbs from my diet. Whole wheat noodles contain more fiber, and are more easily digestible (and don't so easily turn into sugar like white carbs). We actually had this dish for our Valentines Day dinner. Economical and enjoyable. Try it!

Seafood Lasagna

INGREDIENTS:

1 (16 0z) pkg. whole wheat lasagna noodles (white noodles will work too)

2 tablespoons olive oil

1 clove minced garlic

1 lb. sliced portobello mushrooms (I like mushrooms, but we chose not to use them in this dish)

2 (16 oz.) jars Alfredo-style pasta sauce

1 lb. shrimp, peeled and deveined

1 lb. bay scallops

1 lb. chopped imitation crab meat (we used 2 6-0z. cans of crab meat)

20 oz. ricotta cheese

1 egg

black pepper (to taste)

6 cups shredded Italian cheese blend

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Bring a large pot of water to a boil. Add pasta and cook for 8 to 10 minutes or until al dente; drain.

2. Heat oil in a large saucepan over medium heat. Saute garlic and mushrooms until tender. Pour in Alfredo sauce. Stir in cooked seafood. Simmer 5 to 10 minutes, or until heated through. In a medium bowl, combine ricotta cheese, egg and pepper.

3. In a 9x13 inch baking dish, layer noodles, ricotta mixture, Alfredo mixture and shredded cheese. Repeat layers until all ingredients are used, ensuring that there is shredded cheese for the top.

4. Baked uncovered in preheated oven for 45 minutes. Cover, and bake 15 minutes.

Servings: 12

Inspired by our sister-in-law Kate

You Asked For It: Tell The Kids,..."Times Are Hard!"

2009-02-20T14:35:00.000-08:00

This may be a tough one for parents. Especially if your kids have gotten used to getting the latest gadgets, coolest (do they still use "cool"?)fashion, or newest video games. But times are hard. We know it, and have to deal with it. Why shouldn't they? I know we want our children to have all the things that we didn't have when we were growing up. But enough is enough. How did we survive without those things? I bet a lot of us didn't even know that we didn't have them back then (I guess we didn't really need them).

Seriously, during these difficult economic times families have to pull together, make sacrifices. Parents are losing jobs, having problems paying their bills, maybe needing to change living situations, perhaps change schools (from private to public). Younger kids don't necessarily need to know the specific details, nor be burdened with your worries. But they all need to know the meaning of "tightening our belts," that is adjusting to a reduced family budget. Another thing to be aware of is the need to help family members manage the stress, and negative emotions that may result. It's hard to adjust to not having control over our life as we once did.

The answer is good communication. Listening.Allowing kids to have input into what the family does, where possible. Parenting consistently. Maintaining a regular schedule and routine. Remaining optimistic, and projecting those positive expectations to your loved ones. You are in control. Make the changes that you need to make and work things out.

Thank you to our friend Ann for suggesting this topic.

Go Ahead, Be A Valentine!

2009-02-12T17:35:00.000-08:00

As you know, I think relationships and the role of love in relationships are very important. Healthy happy relationships help keep you strong. They can actually help you live longer. A bad relationship, especially a close one, can kill ya. I've written a lot here over the past 2 years about this topic. So rather than repeat myself, I thought that I'd list the references to my previous discussions below, and encourage you to review them for Valentines Day.

1. "If You Were In Her Shoes" 1/18/09

2. "Consider Forgiveness" 5/22/08

3. " Love Is In The Air" 1/28/08

4. "Forgiveness, ... Easier Said Than Done?" 10/1/07

5. "All You Need Is Love" 9/22/07

6. "A Happy Marriage Helps Relieve Stress" 6/25/07

However for those of you who want the summarized version, I give you this (and enjoy the holiday):

Roses are red.

Violets are blue.

Today SHOW some love,

for a Happier, Healthier you.

The "Jump Start Your Life" Plan: 30 Minutes For 30 Days

2009-02-06T14:47:00.000-08:00

[Please read last week's blog, "YAHOO, You Can Teach An Old Dog New Tricks," before reading this.]

I developed this Jump Start Your Life (JSYL) Plan as a simple way to approach making changes in your life. For those people who feel stuck, or in a rut, or stressed to the point of not being able to figure out where you want your life to go, this is the Plan for you. The idea is simple: Take 30 minutes a day to reset your brain, for 30 consecutive days. The idea may be simple, but many of the people I know will have a lot of difficulty finding time to do this for 1 day, let alone 30. But to get the beneficial effects, and jump start your life, you have got to do it for 30 days. "Resetting" your brain allows a brief but important relief from all of the mental work that stresses you daily, often all day, and sometimes at night (that's your brain working overtime). Allowing your brain to get a break from the daily habitual stressful thinking patterns that you've developed can not only be restful, but can also allow you access to parts of your brain that you don't typically use.

Brain plasticity is a scientific term for the brain being able to change to adapt to your needs. Usually this is an involuntary process. This can also be a voluntary process, meaning you can have some control over how your brain works. This is what happens when you break a bad habit, and develop a new healthier one. Your brain breaks some old connections, and develops some new ones. So our "Jump Start Your Life" Plan will give you an opportunity to take a break from your daily, habitual (often very stressful) thinking pattern and explore other possibilities in your head.

For 30 minutes everyday (for 30 days) you do an activity that relaxes you, and stimulates parts of your brain that are usually not active. Usually, during exercise it's easier to escape from the days' stress, or when listening to music. Your brain is still active, but (hopefully) not the same activity as during the day at work, or picking up your child at school, or arguing with your partner. The goal is twofold. Get a break from your stressful thinking habits, and activate less active, potentially productive, other areas of your mind. Additionally, you improve your concentration, mood, energy, and stress level. I list some of the activities below. Also during the 30 days you need to think about your life the way you would like to live it. Think about it everyday. As you take 30 minutes each day to make yourself a priority (no, 30 minutes for you is NOT selfish), your motivation will build, and you'll become more committed to taking action to change your life.

Here are some examples of 30-minute JSYL activities:

1. Physical exercise (non-competitive); 2. listening to relaxing music; 3. dancing or other rhythmic movement; 4. loving, attentive physical intimacy; 5. relaxing or informative reading (no murder mysteries); 6. relaxation breathing; 7. watching a comedy; 8. playing a game where you're not concerned about winning or losing; 9. sitting on the beach, relaxing; 10. fishing. 11. Knitting, cross-stitching, crocheting; 12. Looking at family photo albums; 13. catching up on the phone with a friend (no gossiping); 14. a warm bath; 15. yoga; 16.meditation; 17. cooking (if that relaxes you).

This is not a time for a nap, nor to have a beer or smoke. Pay attention to new ideas that come into your head during the month (including your dreams), even things that may seem to not make a lot of sense. Keep a journal (or have some other way to record your ideas). Use your record to help you generate new choices that will help you out of your rut. Use your improved mood, energy, motivation, and creativity to make some changes. You're now in a better position to develop some new habits. Go ahead, enjoy the rest of your life.

YAHOO!! You CAN Teach An Old Dog New Tricks!

2009-01-27T12:20:00.000-08:00

You Always Have Other Options! YAHOO! This is something I believe, and I encourage you to. I came across YAHOO in a book I was reading by Dr. Frank Lawlis, The Stress Answer. He talks a lot about brain plasticity, which is a scientific term for your brain being able to make changes as needed throughout your life (even if you are an "old dog"). I've been reading about this fairly new concept, plasticity, for the past few years. It offers a mechanism for what I've thought about how people are able to break bad habits, and develop new good ones. I knew we could do it, now I understand better how it works in the brain. Often it happens without direct effort by us. For example, when someone goes blind, their brain makes other senses, like hearing and touch, improve significantly to help compensate for the loss of sight. However, we can make it happen for us to make important but difficult changes in our lives.

People used to think that the majority of our brain development is done by the time we're young adults. Not so. We can make changes in how our brain works, all the way up to the end of our lives. Those of you who have ailing older family members who seem stuck in their ways, or like they can't learn new things, should consider this. Of course you need to have a lot of patience.

I am putting some of this information together to develop a Plan to help those people who feel themselves to be in a rut, not happy with their lives or certain aspects of their lives (for example, liking your job, but not your relationship). My "Jump Start Your Life" Plan will require only 30 minutes for 30 days, to get yourself unstuck. And not complicated at all. Sound too good to be true? Well the toughest part will be you finding 30 minutes a day for 30 consecutive days, to take care of YOU. After that it will be easy, and fun. YAHOO!!

Look for my Jump Start Your Life Plan in next week's blog posting. Think about what changes you might want to make.

You Asked For It: "If You Were In Her Shoes..."

2009-01-18T10:54:00.000-08:00

I agree with the reader who suggested this topic, and said that "people should always consider how they would feel if the same hurtful things they do to people were done to them." And I left the "her" in the subject title (although I know that in relationships hurtful things also happen to men), because I actually hear this complaint more from the women that I work with than the men. Women in general tend to be more in touch with their emotional side than men are. And the emotion men tend to be more in touch with is anger, not so much with sadness, hurt, fear, etc. In fact some of the men that I help with anger management problems tend to get angry in situations where they should be sad, or fearful. I think it has a lot to do with avoiding the sense of vulnerability that comes with those emotions, and replacing it with the feeling of power (or in some cases, invulnerability) that can come with anger. We have good teachers, our fathers. I also believe that in a lot of ways society condones a double standard for men versus women. But you shouldn't!

So when you consider that men who do toxic things in relationships actively avoid empathy, trying to feel what their suffering partner feels, they likely aren't going to put their feet in your shoes as it may hurt too much. Then it falls on you to decide how much mistreatment you will tolerate. This is a very difficult decision for some people to make. You may have to consider children, whether or not he even acknowledges his behavior is a problem, and how committed he is to repairing the relationship or changing his behavior.

I do want to emphasize that most people are capable of having empathy, including men (yes, men are people are too). Actually it is an important ability that counselors use to effectively help people make some of the changes that they come to us for. Your partner is likely capable of understanding your feelings, but he (or she) has to want to. This is not something you can force him to do, but if they love you then it may be something he would be willing to try. It definitely can help improve communication. So let him try on your shoes. And maybe you should try on his. There are likely some things you can learn about how he feels.

Happy Birthday Martin Luther King!

CONGRATULATIONS !! President Obama

Healthy In, Healthy Out: Good Eating (And Drinking) Increases Productivity

2009-01-11T13:09:00.000-08:00

You are what you eat. This year we're going to explore that in my blog. This is an important concern for me and, fortunately, my family (my daughter suggested this topic). They're not all vegetarians like Linda and me. So I'll be careful not to impose all of my 'vegetarian values' on you. I will talk more about that in the future. And, as always, I will welcome your comments.

I became more aware of healthy eating during my college years when my older brother exposed me to bee pollen, and vegetarianism. Books I read on the subject early on were Back To Eden (by Jethro Kloss), and Diet For A New America (by John Robbins, of Baskin and Robbins). Looking back I would say that I ate pretty healthily growing up, including the wheat germ my mother snuck into the meat loaf and the daily morning spoonfuls of cod liver oil (yuck!). A couple of years ago I made some major changes in my diet in order to lose weight. Bye-bye donuts, pizza, white pasta and rice, white bread, etc. Over 2 years I lost 25 pounds and have been able to keep them off (mostly). The Abs Diet (by David Zinczenko) helped with that.

"Healthy In, Healthy Out," will focus on how paying attention to what you eat, being more mindful (see my posting on Mindfulness, 7/10/08), can help improve your mood, thinking, health, energy level, and overall productivity. I will ask you to consider some of the things I've learned about eating (and drinking) and see if they might help you. I am not a nutritionist, nor a food expert. But I know enough to be happy with the changes I've made in my eating habits, and I will offer them to you.

Here are some things to think about. Drink more water (we're mostly made of it). White carbs turn into sugar, and add a lot of calories. High fructose corn syrup, which seems to be in everything you eat and drink(read the labels) is a sweetener that adds calories that are very hard to burn off. And there's lots more. I don 't recommend any dramatic changes, but gradual lifestyle changes that will be more effective long term. For now, just think a little more about what you eat and drink.

Thank you for the blog topic suggestions I've been getting.

A New Year's Jingle

2008-12-22T09:16:00.000-08:00

This posting is a follow-up to last year's "Twas The Night After Christmas" (12/2/07, 12/12/07):

A NEW YEAR'S JINGLE

I know what you're saying. "It's that danged resolution time!"

You're right! But fixing thing's in your life is not a crime.

Let's take a brief look back, check out how you did.

Was '08 a good year? Did you break a bad habit?

Do you now drink or smoke less? Did you drop a pound or two?

Were you kinder to people? Does your partner more often hear ' I love you'?

Well, if so, that's great? And if not, "Oh my!"

GOOD NEWS for you,... you get another try.

This was a difficult year for us all. America was not at it's best.

The wars continue, many jobs have been lost, and the economy's a mess.

But last month we pulled together, and we voted for hope.

Let's look forward to '09 as a new opportunity to cope

With the personal issues that plague us, and those problems we have still.

Now's the time to dig deeper. Call on your stronger will.

Remember: small steps is the answer. It's most important to start

Inch by inch it's a cinch, so let's all be smart.

Love better, play more, eat smarter, relax too.

Less drama, more peace, exercise will make for a healthier you.

What you do in your head that will help as you go through the year

Is more optimism, positive thinking, more confidence, less fear.

And do not be afraid to ask for help if you need it in 2009.

Too many of us don't do that, and end up in a bind.

You deserve to be happy, so focus on that.

Visualize good things in your life, and you'll have no regrets!

I hope you've enjoyed this jingle, and I appreciate your acknowledgement.

But now's the time to STOP and THINK, "What am I going to get out of it?"

There should be something you've decided you'd try, before you reach the end.

If not your best move may be to start over. Read it again.

I'm Sorry For Your Loss...

2008-12-17T07:44:00.000-08:00

This is a difficult time of the year for people who are grieving the loss of a loved one or a relationship. That this is considered a time of celebration and joy, sometimes makes it more stressful for those people who are sad about not being able to share the holiday with people they've been with in the past. Theories about stages of grief can help explain the variety of feelings that one experiences in response to a loss. You may be sad, then angry, confused or lost, as you try to adjust to a world without the person you are missing. There is no specific time frame that determines how long one is to grieve. You may feel that a few months, or a few years is enough to "get over it," or maybe people close to you try to suggest that. My feeling is that you have to take as long as you need. That the "stages" don't necessarily happen in order, nor do they necessarily dictate what you "should" be feeling at any particular time. Feelings can be triggered by situations, memories, something someone says or does, or just by it being a moment of downtime for you. Planning an activity can help you survive this process without disabling pain and anguish.

Here are some of the things I typically suggest to people struggling with grief during the holidays. It does not help (long term) to try to avoid the feelings altogether. However allowing yourself to be lost in them for long periods of time can increase your suffering. It makes sense to give yourself time to engage the feelings, to allow yourself to feel the sadness, hurt, or anger. If possible allot yourself a limited amount of time to explore these feelings, and then have some other activity planned to distract you for a while. This can be daily if necessary. If you know you'll have time to attend to those feelings, they won't interrupt the rest of your life as much. It is very helpful if you have someone to talk to about your grief, as well as if you have people to spend time with and not talk about it. I think having other people around for emotional support is the best thing you can do. Also journaling helps a lot. You have the opportunity to get some of the feelings out, and not get overwhelmed by them building up inside. My goal in doing grief work is to help people move from the hurt that comes from memories of lost relationships, to enjoying pleasant memories of that person or relationship. Photos can help facilitate this process.

I know that this is a difficult process. But it is a very important one. Especially important for kids too, as they often don't know how to handle these feelings. They tend to follow your lead. Please be mindful of that. Encourage them to talk IF THEY WANT TO. Check in on them, especially if they seem preoccupied, or sad. Finally, plan to have some enjoyable time. That is important for you and your family.

Retirement, ... Ready Or Not Here It Comes!

2008-12-07T12:22:00.000-08:00

Maybe I've been avoiding this topic. Who wants to think about getting old, right? But it will happen to all of us, whether we're ready or not. As you know, I prefer that people be as prepared as possible for what life has to offer. However, it seems that our society tends to ease our elders out to pasture. The media, for example, does not typically portray seniors as active and vibrant. We (there I said it!) are sometimes appreciated for our wisdom, and even our life experience. But American culture is mostly youth oriented, even though there are actually more of us.

So how do we prepare for our "golden years?" I do want to look forward to my retirement as my reward for years and years and years of study and hard work. I do intend for those years to be "golden." Let's deal with the tough stuff first: health and finances. Unfortunately, any familial predisposition we have for health or emotional problems (for example high blood pressure, arthritis, depression, etc.) tend to show up as we age, especially if we don't manage our stress well enough (which most of us don't). And speaking of stress, as the years go by it's effects tend to add up (see my posting of 9/28/08, "Stress, It Adds Up"). So my first suggestion is to manage your stress better. Financial problems are the other major concern that worries seniors. What can I say? Save? Pray for our leaders to deliver us from this economy? Do both.

Let's look at some other things we should do to prepare for our retirement. From my perspective, relationships are very important. Whatever obstacles you have keeping you from having them in your life as much as possible, overcome them. Love makes everything better ("All You Need Is Love," 9/22/07). Figure out how to meet that special someone. Make up with that family member that you have issues with. Loneliness makes things worse. Secondly, develop some new interests. There really is no reason not to do this. Fortunately for us in Florida, older folks are catered to a little more than in other parts of this country. Thirdly, and I know you've heard this before (from me), EXERCISE. Four, go ahead and look at breaking some of those bad habits that tend to linger, or return during difficult times. And finally (but you don't have to stop here), make your happiness important to you. Be optimistic. Have a more positive view ("The Glass Is Not Empty", 3/11/08). Love yourself, and allow others to love you. Reduce the amount of drama in your life. Find more peace.

So our first priority is surviving these difficult times. A close second, is preparing for a healthy, happy retirement. It's coming!

Easier-Than-It-Looks Holiday Recipe: HELLO DOLLIES

2008-11-23T14:07:00.000-08:00

There are two words for Hello Dollies: YUM YUM! This is my favorite dessert recipe from Linda's Big Red Recipe Book. She makes them occasionally during the year when we're invited to eat over and bring the dessert. (When we say we can't make it, they say:"Oh that's too bad. Can you still send the Dollies?").

They are a really great dessert during the holidays. It's like a reward for handling the stress of cooking, shopping, visiting, and entertaining (and the associated drama). They'll always bring a smile to your face, and those of your friends and family. They also make a good gift. So here's the best combination of CHOCOLATE, COCONUT, and WALNUTS that you will ever find!

HELLO DOLLIES

INGREDIENTS:

1 stick butter (melted)

1 cup graham cracker crumbs

1 cup coconut

1 cup chocolate chips

1 cup walnuts (chopped)

1 can Eagle Brand Condensed Milk

PREPARATION:

MIX the melted butter in with the graham cracker crumbs. SPREAD the crumb mixture in a 8 x 8 (or 9 x 9) inch baking pan, PAT it down on the bottom of the pan to form a crust (also a little on the sides of the pan). SPRINKLE the coconut, the chocolate chips and the walnuts in layers on the crust. SHAKE the canned milk and POUR it evenly over the top. BAKE at 350 degrees (preheated) for 25 minutes. BROIL until brown (a few minutes). COOL in the refrigerator until it hardens, then CUT it into 1" squares. Refrigerate to store the remainder.

Have a HAPPY THANKSGIVING!! Remember that during the holidays the best drama is NO drama.

It's Not Where Your From, It's Where You're Going.

2008-11-14T11:22:00.000-08:00

I heard this in a song recently. I know it may sound strange for a psychologist to suggest that you don't need to focus on your past in order to fix things in your life. I believe this is absolutely true. As you know, I do believe that we all carry some baggage. And I do sometimes explore relevant past issues with clients, to help them understand how they got to where they're at. But often, rather than explore painful past events which can interfere with personal progress, we can focus on fixing things in the present and moving forward from there. One may say, "But the things that happened in my past, make me do the things I do now. They're causing me problems today." Very probably they are. And since we can't go back and change things, let's change what we're doing. Definitely things that may have happened to us as children, directly influence our current behaviors and thoughts. As children we had little or no control over what happened to us. We were powerless. Our environments (including the people around us) impacted us and our lives. As adults that has changed. We can have a lot more control over our environment, including where we work, live and play, and the people with whom we do those things. Also much more control over what we think and believe.

The idea is to break these habits that we've developed (I previously discuss "habits" in my previous postings, PSYCH 101: OCD, 2/21/08; and ANGER MANAGEMENT, 9/17/07). Yes, the childhood influences, often reinforced as we mature, are very strong. Habits are hard to break. But you can do it if you are highly motivated and focused (and get help if you need it).

This applies to relationships too. Many of the couples that I work with come in focused on their past problems in the relationship (not even the current ones). I consider past problems as symptomatic of a bad relationship (usually communication and trust issues), and suggest leaving that behind as we look forward and build towards a happier, more loving relationship. Typically some forgiveness is required for this to work (see my postings on forgiveness: 5/22/08, 10/1/07, and 7/15/07). The bad habits we develop with each other in relationships are often as bad (unhealthy) as bad personal habits, and may be more difficult to break. So get going, and don't look back!

EASIER-THAN-IT-LOOKS Holiday Recipe: Pumpkin Spice Muffins

2008-11-05T08:31:00.001-08:00

Linda looked in her Big Red Recipe Book and got me a couple of my favorite holiday recipes that I decided to share with you. We do enjoy eating during the holidays, and she does most of the baking. This recipe doubles as a dessert. I mean, if you add frosting they become Pumpkin Spice Cupcakes. Very good too.

I love this time of the year. It offers an opportunity to celebrate, and take note of the good things that I am fortunate enough to have in my life. It is especially joyous this year, as we can now also celebrate this country pulling together to elect a new president who offers us hope. Yahoo!!! I know also that this is a difficult time for many people, especially those who have lost loved ones, or people who have developed other negative associations with the holiday season. Some of us also suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder (see my posting of 11/20/07, " It's SAD, ... But It Can Be Fixed").

This is a time to look forward. Make an effort to make this a good time for you and your family. As 2009 approaches, take a look at some of the changes that it may be helpful to start the new year with (see my postings of 12/2/07 and 12/12/07, " 'Twas The Night After Christmas" -parts 1 and 2). Have some optimism. And enjoy some easy Pumpkin Spice Muffins (and cupcakes!).

PUMPKIN SPICE MUFFINS/CUPCAKES

Ingredients

- 1 pkg (18.25 oz.) spice cake mix

- 1 can (15 oz. ) Libby's 100% Pure Pumpkin (or use your favorite canned pumpkin)

- 3 large eggs

- 1/3 cup vegetable oil (we use olive oil)

- 1/3 cup water

- 1 container (16 oz. ) prepared cream cheese frosting [for the cupcakes, yummy]

To make 24 muffins BLEND the cake mix, pumpkin, eggs, oil, and water in a large mixer bowl until moistened. Beat on medium speed for 2 minutes. POUR batter into 24 paper lined muffin cups. Fill 3/4 full. BAKE in preheated 350 degree oven for 16 - 21 minutes or until wooden toothpick inserted in the middle comes out clean. Cool in pan for 10 minutes; remove to wire racks to cool completely. If you are making cupcakes, spread with frosting. Decorate as desired. ENJOY!

CONGRATULATIONS TO BARACK OBAMA!

To Vote Or Not To Vote?

2008-10-24T10:11:00.000-07:00

If you have not yet decided whether or not you're going to vote, perhaps I can help. Time is running out. Although this may seem like an easy decision to make (it is for me), it may not be so easy for everyone. As you know there are some very serious issues this time around. We're fighting 2 wars, though the media is not discussing this much lately. Our economy is bad, and it seems like it can't get much worse. A lot of people have lost their jobs, and many families are suffering. It's depressing. I think most people will agree that our health care system is in dire need of improvement. It is actually worse than many other civilized countries. And something needs to happen regarding caring for our environment better (whether you believe in global warming or not), including our use of energy. So there are certainly enough things that need to be fixed, or at least addressed.

Now, many people who voted last time may feel that your vote was wasted because you didn't get the guy you wanted. Those of you who did get the guy you wanted, may be unhappy with his performance the past several years. And then there may be folks who want to be loyal to their party, but are not happy with that choice. So my suggestion is simple. If you want things to be different, vote for the person you believe will make things different. (If you don't want things to be different, please read the first paragraph again.) However, if your guy doesn't seem like the one who's going to fix things, and you don't want to vote for the other guy for some reason, then I think it's ok not to vote. There, I said it, and I believe it. I think it's ok not to use your vote if that is your informed choice, and it seems like it may make things worse. However, consider this statement that I read in Men's Health Magazine recently. "They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself. (Andy Warhol)"

One last thing. Linda and I went to vote last week. We agreed that it was a momentous experience.

And thanks to those of you who have made comments on my recent postings. I really appreciate it.

PSYCH 101: Oppositional Defiant Disorder

2008-10-18T11:00:00.000-07:00

Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) is described by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) as "a pattern of negativistic, hostile, and defiant behavior lasting at least 6 months" (in a child or adolescent) which includes at least 4 of the following: often loses temper, often argues with adults, noncompliance with adults' requests or rules, deliberately annoying people, often blames others for their own mistakes, is touchy or easily annoyed, often angry and resentful, is often spiteful or vindictive. Also this behavior severely interferes with the child's functioning in the various important areas of his or her life, including family, social, and academic functioning. This young person also has significant problems with authority figures, for example parents, teachers, coaches and other adults.

It is difficult to identify any one particular reason that a child develops ODD. Usually as an infant they were irritable, colicky, or difficult to soothe (but not necessarily). Children suffering from other problems, including ADHD, depression, bipolar disorder, and learning disabilities can develop ODD, or similar behaviors or symptoms. A certain amount of oppositionalism is normal in the developing child (for example the "terrible twos"), and early adolescence is also a time when a certain amount of defiance or argumentativeness is normal. But ODD takes this behavior to an extreme. These children are typically not physically aggressive, but often are quite verbally aggressive.

What do you do if you have a child who seems to fit the above description, or has tendencies towards behaving defiantly beyond what is tolerable by you and your household? Because a kid who is angry all the time, or tends to "forget" rules or chores, or "didn't hear" you the 10 times that you gave an instruction and then gets mad at you for reprimanding their disobedience, can be very stressful. Once you acknowledge that you have a child with such issues, you have to change your approach. Yes, again, it falls on you the parent to make things right. Don't fight with them. In fact make it clear that the fighting is a problem, and develop alternative ways to resolve conflict. This will also help him or her learn healthy conflict resolution. Make sure that rewards for appropriate behavior, and negative consequences for oppositional behavior are in place, and understood by everyone. It helps a lot if your child has input into developing these. And although the rewards can flow as freely as you can manage, don't go overboard with the punishments. This means don't ground them nor take their toys/cell phone/etc. for too long. And be consistent, but flexible as needed. Your child should feel that they get the opportunity to try again to get it right. So praise their effort, and don't hold a grudge. Spend time listening, and talking to them about things that matter to them.

ODD describes behaviors of children and teens, but of course the habits that get developed can persist into adulthood. Handle this problem when they're young before they start getting into trouble with the law (or other authorities). They won't grow into that adult who has the anger management problem, is always losing their job, or having other problem relationships. Of course it will require patience. It really helps to have a same gender role model, who can calmly help point out the problems with this type of behavior and help develop alternative ways for the child to get their needs met.

The BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE...

2008-10-08T08:06:00.001-07:00

This past week I learned of two stories in the news that saddened me. A 90 year- old woman in Ohio shot herself in the chest (twice, and survived), because her house was being foreclosed on. A few days ago a 45 year-old man in California killed his family and then himself, because his financial situation was so bleak. The economy is bad, and it is hitting us hard. I'm not going to let it make me crazy, and I encourage you to not let yourself be overwhelmed by it either. I want to suggest two things. One, is that we do have to survive financially. However, I'm hoping that the struggle will diminish in '09 when we have a new president. So, I'm going to exert some control over our future economy by voting (FREE) in a few weeks. Two, I don't feel that I have to allow the global economy to dictate my life. I've changed my perspective to focus on my PERSONAL ECONOMY. That means I get to determine what is most valuable to me in MY ECONOMY. So paying my bills, trying to save, and cutting back (see my blog of 7/10/08: "Turn Off The Lights") where I can are still important. But more important to me is my happiness. Your PERSONAL ECONOMY can be rich! As we all know, money can't buy happiness. And, yes, the best things in life are free.

Let's first address this change of perspective idea. Your perspective (free), your way of looking at life, is yours. You OWN it. You get to use it however you want. I suggest using it to change your focus to happiness as a priority in these hard times. Use it also to look at how you manage the important relationships in your life. Love (free) makes you happy ("All You Need Is Love", 9/22/07). Have more, and share more love in your life. Spend time with friends. Fix broken relationships, if possible ("Forgiveness", 10/1/07 ).

A walk on the beach (free) makes you feel good. It is relaxing, helps you de-stress, and helps you have a sense of inner peace (free). Very important in these times.

Pets are really good at lifting your mood. A friend of mine, going through some difficult times, told me the other day that visiting the Humane Society (free) for 30 minutes totally brightens his day. My brother-in-law and his wife, visit there regularly and enjoy interacting with the pets. My wife, actually, can get happy interacting with pets in the elevator, on the street, or in someone else's car.

Small things can have a big effect on how good you feel. Find things to do that make you laugh (free). Learn (free) a new hobby, or a new athletic activity. You may be surprised how much it helps your state of mind to help others, to volunteer (free).

Look. If you can't find some way to lift your spirits during these trying times, give me a call (free). Hey, just by reading this blog you've enjoyed something free. Receiving free professional advice, ... PRICELESS!

Stress, ... It Adds Up

2008-09-28T10:24:00.000-07:00

I've written here about stress and stress management a lot over the past year. I've studied a lot, we all experience it a lot, and most of the clients I work with come in because stress has made their lives more difficult in a variety of ways. As you may or may not know the different stresses that we have in our life add up over time in the toll that it takes on our health, emotions, thinking, relationships, and overall happiness. Sometimes, we're not even aware of how much of it we deal with. For example, we could be working in a job that we enjoy and do well, yet it is still stressful. If you have a job, you deal with stress (and if you don't, well that's pretty stressful too!). And unless you do something to manage it, and get it out of your system, then over time it builds up. If you have problems in an important relationship, have concerns about finances (and who doesn't nowadays?!), are a parent, may be going to school, have an illness or a family member who has one, and are dealing with any other stressful situation, then stress is piling up on you. Now, if this stuff has been going on for years, and you add any significant losses, or even positive (but stressful) experiences then it could lead to problems for you. Many years ago I learned about The Social Readjustment Rating Scale which assigns a number value to the various stresses in life. You add up the amount of stress you've experienced over the year, and you can compute what you're up against. Now if you haven't been handling it well for several years then the situation gets worse. Also, that Scale doesn't include the effects of war, terrorist attacks, or any of the more recent societal problems in the daily news that influence us.

The point is that you will be effected. The first signs to look for can include insomnia, fatigue, digestive upset, restlessness, increased alcohol/drug/tobacco use, anxiety, nightmares, bad temper, depression, worrying, intolerance, isolation, resentment, loneliness, distrust, nagging, lowered sex drive, spacing out, negative self-talk, boredom, poor concentration, low productivity, forgetfulness, muscle aches, and on and on. If you are noticing these things in yourself, do something about it (I have some suggestions below). If you allow this to continue, then you'll start to see more severe symptoms. For example: headaches, colds and other immune system problems, irritable bowel syndrome, rashes, ulcers, high blood pressure, accident proneness, problems on the job, etc. It could get bad.

Here are some things that you can, and should do to prevent this from happening to you (and medicines tend to be a temporary fix). Exercise. Vacation (and for more than a long weekend). Play. Socialize. Improve personal relationships. Start a hobby. Relax. This is important, for you and your family. So if you can't make it happen, get some help.

Don't Text While Driving

2008-09-16T13:25:00.000-07:00

PLEASE don't text while driving. OMG !! I'm sure many of you have heard of the train crash that occurred last week in California. Reportedly the conductor was text-messaging when he blew through the red light, which resulted in the crash. Twenty-five (25) people died, and many other people were seriously hurt. The worst train crash in California history. You may be wondering what this has to do with mental health. Well, as a mental health expert, I can tell you that it is bad for you (and your family) if you die or get hurt in an accident because you weren't paying complete attention while you were driving. And it's not just texting. Too many people are talking on the phone, or doing other things that distract them and are causing accidents. Now I'm not too old-fashioned. I know how important it is to have those phone conversations while driving around town; or eat that slice of pizza; or check the Internet on your laptop (or I-phone!). But you gotta keep at least one hand on the wheel and one eye on the road.

I am all in favor of multi-tasking. I think people don't realize that driving itself requires multi-tasking, though after a while it seems to become something that you can almost do without thinking. Too many people do that. And then you throw in there other activities that do require your attention, and before you know it someone else makes a mistake that requires your attention and quick reflexes and it's OVA. My suggestion when you have something else to do when you're driving, is to pull over to the side of the road, stop the car, and do what you gotta do. That would be safer for you and me. Now if you get a text that you have to answer (of course if it was an emergency they would have called!), pull over and quickly text them: IDN (I'm driving now) TTYL!

Easier-Than-It-Looks Recipe: Mango Bread

2008-09-12T17:38:00.000-07:00

Linda made this last week for the first time. It tastes very good. Her friend Cindy has a mango tree from which she gives us great tasting mangos. And Linda has a big red looseleaf binder full of recipes that she's collected over the past 18 years. This is one of them. Here's her Mango Bread. [Originally from "A Hundred Years of Island Cooking" an old cookbook from the Hawaiian Electric Company]

MANGO BREAD

2 cups flour (we use whole wheat flour which is h

ealthier, though the measure may be different)

2 teaspoons baking soda

2 teaspoons ground cinnamon

1 1/4 cups of sugar (we use brown sugar)

1/2 cup shredded coconut

1/2 cup chopped nuts (we used walnuts)

2 cups chopped mangoes

3/4 cup oil

3 eggs, beaten

2 teaspoons vanilla

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Grease a 9x5x3 inch loaf pan (to yield one loaf). Sift flour with baking soda and cinnamon into mixing bowl. Stir in sugar, coconut, and nuts. Add remining ingredients and mix well. Pour into prepared pan and bake for 1 hour and 15 minutes, or until done.

Mango bread is good for breakfast. Heated, with butter or cream cheese, even plain. It's sweet, healthy, and great with a cup of Joe. Let me know what you think.

9/11

2008-09-01T12:04:00.000-07:00

At this time of the year I can't help but think about the events of 9/11/2001. These thoughts make me feel sad for the families who lost loved ones that day, and everyone who was affected and those who continue to be affected. The world changed on that day. As a society we became more fearful and angry. That event was also used as a rationale for going to war against Iraq. Many more families were disrupted, along with our economy. I'm going to stay away from politics. You know what happened.

My concern here is trying to make some sense of the events of that day, and the aftermath. I still can't. A lot of people can't. I grew up in New York City, and still go back to visit regularly. The Twin Towers, and the people who worked there still mean a lot to me. I consider forgiveness as a way to deal with my sadness and anger, but I haven't gotten there yet. As you know, it's hard to forgive when you're still being negatively effected by the event(s). I do think about how to make lemonade out of those lemons. That's difficult too. Here's what I'm doing. I try to no longer sweat the small stuff. There's more than enough BIG stuff in this world to "sweat." Also I recall the feeling of unity throughout the country in the aftermath of 9/11. This was in spite of the surface differences between us. So I'm going to show love, compassion, and patience, more and better. Also, zero tolerance for being mistreated. And, I'm going to continue to try to do the right thing.

I encourage you to consider these things, and others as an ongoing commemoration to those people who were lost that day. Also, please send some prayers and positive thoughts to those families that suffered such tremendous loss on 9/11, and those families that continue to.

When Life Gives You Lemons,... Make Lemonade

2008-08-28T13:48:00.001-07:00

This is important, but not always easy to do. When life seems to be going sour (lemons), it does help to try changing your perspective to sweeten it up some (lemonade). So this is similar to positive thinking, and optimism, which you know I like to talk about. However, this is more along the lines of acknowledging and accepting the raw deal that we sometimes get dealt, but not allowing it to keep us down. Not allowing that to crowd out some legitimate good stuff that is also happening, and focusing more on that (yeah, I guess it is a lot like positive thinking). Here's an example....

We went on vacation last week. The "sour" part was the airline cancellations and delays, including an unscheduled overnight in Houston. At the same time worry about where Fay was going to hit. Do you ever notice that when you've been overstressed, and head out for a relaxing vacation, the stress takes a while to leave? Making the early part of the vacation less enjoyable (sour). So you need to schedule vacations that are long enough to have the relaxing effect that you need. Anyway, the whole week could have been soured by this turn of events. My daughter helped by texting me, "well at least you 2 are together." That was enough for me to take a look at what I do have, rather than focus on what I didn't have, and gradually change my sour mood. And that's how it can work for you. Don't just sit with the lemons and let them weigh you down. Squeeze them, add sugar, maybe water, and throw some ice in it. Sweet. Really, here's how it can actually work to lift your mood. Focus more on the here and now, in my case it was focusing on the person that I was with and appreciating the relationship we have, even though things around us were ugly. Also, you can consider less enjoyable situations that you've been in, and how good your situation is compared to that. For example, "I'm on vacation, not work" (and not in a hurricane).

So the point is to not let yourself stay in a negative place for too long. Except, sometimes it's hard to realize that you can get yourself unstuck. A good reason to have people in your life who can do or say the right thing to lift your spirits.

Psych 101: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

2008-08-08T09:06:00.000-07:00

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is the way I do therapy. Simply put, it refers to helping people by changing the way they think (cognition), and teaching them new behaviors. It works really well for a variety of conditions. People have what's called irrational thoughts, that cause them to act in a way that brings them unhappiness. For example, "I can't survive if everyone doesn't love me." Such thinking can make a person tolerate abusive treatment, get depressed because they feel unloved, or repeatedly get into superficial and painful relationships. In counseling I want to identify that thinking pattern, perhaps identify it's origin (much of this stuff starts in childhood),show them how it's not working for them currently, and encourage them to consider some other options for thinking about themselves. That's the cognitive part of CBT.

The other part is focusing on their unhealthy behaviors. In this example relationship behaviors. Having them practice different ways of interacting with important people in their life and getting a different response. Perhaps spending more time with the people who do care for them, and less involvement with people who don't show the caring, and see if it causes them to feel better. Often they'll also find that they can survive without the uncaring people, or sometimes those people change their tune once you leave them alone.

A very important part of this process is what occurs in the therapy relationship. My style is one of optimism, encouragement, focus on the client and their needs (instead of imposing my values on them), and giving them the attention and acknowledgement that they deserve. This type of relationship has a therapeutic effect. The client feels valued, and begins to feel better. More willing to take the risk of breaking old habits, and developing new healthy ones within the context of our safe relationship. CBT helps people break thinking and behavior habits that don't help them, and offers them an opportunity to develop ones that work. Ones that help them find happiness.

REMINDER: Freels Mental Health Group will be closed, on vacation(YAHOO!!) ,from Friday, August 15th until Sunday, August 24.

Easier-Than-It-Looks Recipe: Touchdown Taco Dip

2008-07-19T14:12:00.000-07:00

This past July 4th, Linda made this dip. It was excellent, and I couldn't wait to share it with you. We got this recipe from the Pampered Chef recipes. I like it best with multi-grain tortilla chips, but you can use other chips. Also it should be served warm, and is quite delicious when you do. It was designed to be served when watching football and shared with friends (but is also good by your lonesome). However, I hate to admit it, but I don't watch football, until the playoffs. Give me the FISH or the HEAT, and I'm there. So, really, you can have it whenever you want a tasty (mildly spicy) snack. Here it is...

Touchdown Taco Dip

1 can (16 oz.) refried beans

1 package (8 oz.) cream cheese, softened

1 cup sour cream

2 tablespoons taco seasoning mix

2 garlic cloves, finely minced

2 oz. cheddar cheese, shredded (1/2 cup)

1/2 cup pitted ripe olives, sliced

1 medium tomato, diced

1/4 cup thinly sliced green onions

2 tablespoons fresh cilantro or parsley, thinly sliced

Tortilla chips

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Spread refried beans over bottom of a deep casserole dish (or reasonable substitute). Combine cream cheese, sour cream, and taco seasoning with minced garlic in a bowl. Mix well.

2. Spread cream cheese mixture evenly over beans. Spread shredded cheese over top. Bake 15 - 18 minutes or until hot.

3. Sprinkle olives, tomato, onions, and cilantro over dip. Add more sour cream if you like. Serve (warm) with tortilla chips.

Yield: 16 servings

As usual, I suggest adjusting the recipe for your own tastes and preferences. Try it. You'll like it.

"TURN OFF THE LIGHTS"

2008-07-10T12:21:00.001-07:00

I'm guessing that many of you remember your parent saying this to you as a child. "Turn off the lights." My mother would say this to my brothers and me, usually adding something about the cost of electricity. Well nowadays it pays to be more aware of the costs of many of the things that we take for granted. Actually, in this case it does actually "pay." In recent years I've come to be a lot better about this. Though my wife occasionally has to remind me. She's clever (and funny, sometimes). She'll say, when the light's left on in a particular room: "Who's in the bathroom?" Leaving it up to me to figure out the unsaid second half of the statement (first noticing that no one is actually in there), "Then why is the light on?" I get it. It's just one of those mindless habits of mine that lingers, and now has become much more costly. The answer, of course, is to become more aware of what we do and don't do, and the consequences. Be more mindful.

Mindfulness has far reaching relevance, if we apply it to our daily living. We have a lot of non-thinking behaviors that impact our lives short term and long term. Even things we do, that we decided long ago are not useful for us that we continue to do. Habits are hard to break. So you don't have to decide to change things all at once. That's often just too difficult. Am I right smokers? So don't keep doing things unconsciously. For example, if smoking is your obstacle, allow yourself to be more aware of when and why you're having that particular cigarette. Even if it's "because I want to." Make a conscious decision each time you have one. Don't let it just be automatic. Being more mindful will have a direct effect on cutting down. We all know the consequences of this habit, so reducing your use simply by being more aware will improve your health. Being mindful of turning off a light when you leave a room (or unplugging electrical appliances that are not being used) will save you money on your electrical bill. By the way, FPL is making a rate hike (for us Floridians).

So let's expand this mindfulness idea, and apply it to other areas of our lives. Relationships: Being aware of things that loved ones do (cooking meals, kids helping out, a coworker or subordinate that does their job well without whining), that you may take for granted, may now require some acknowledgement. Health: You can you be more aware of drinking water, managing stress (including time to relax, play, etc.), breathing more completely, exercise, even awareness of the emotional eating that we do. Personal Growth: Have you gotten too used to the depression or anxiety you sometimes struggle with? Do you remember to appreciate the good things in your life? I think you get the point, but here it is again. MINDFULNESS is better than mindlessness.

Psych 101: Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)

2008-06-17T12:39:00.001-07:00

I work with a lot of children (and a few adults) who suffer from ADHD. It's very important, when possible, for a parent to participate also. The diagnosis doesn't concern me as much as the behavior, and how it is interfering with the child and family's life. This condition is often misdiagnosed, as many of the symptoms could be the result of other problems (for example, depression, anxiety, stress, difficult adjustment to life changes, grief, etc.). So I focus on the behavior, what triggers it, what happens in response to it, as well as what's going on in the child's life.

The DSM-IV-TR describes ADHD as "a persistent pattern of inattention and/or hyperactivity-impulsivity" that is displayed more frequently, and is more severe than what is considered normal for kids their age. "It must have been present before age 7," however many individuals are not diagnosed until later. "It must be present in at least two settings," and must clearly interfere with their functioning in those settings. These individuals usually don't pay close attention to things, are messy, don't finish tasks, are sometimes careless, and may appear to be daydreaming. They are usually impulsive (though don't always show hyperactivity; this is called ADD).

Family's typically have to adjust their life style to accommodate the member with ADHD/ADD. Unfortunately, often anger and defiance accompany this condition. The home of a person with ADHD can be very stressful for all. It doesn't have to be. The changes that you make in response to your child's needs should be oriented towards helping him to control the interfering behaviors, as well as facilitating his strengths. So, for example, don't call her from the kitchen to save a few steps, but go to where she is, look her in the eyes and give the direction. Flexibility is helpful. Controlling your own anger, and giving lots of positive feedback (when appropriate), and clearly defined consequences given consistently. Help them label, understand, and appropriately express their emotions (all of them). And never give up on your optimism, and confidence that your child can and will be successful and happy as an adult, having learned to cope with whatever obstacles confront them.

New Family

2008-06-10T13:02:00.001-07:00

Last week we took a vacation (photos will follow) which included participating in my daughter's wedding. She married a nice young man who comes from a good family. A "good family" to me means that they are loving and supportive of their family members. I see a bad family as one that has toxic members, the kind of people that you don't want to be around. So when my son-in-law's (my first time using that term) father welcomed Linda and me to their family, I took a minute to think about that. Gradually a very good feeling came over me. I have some new family, who I am very happy about. This wedding was a big family affair. Spending time with family that you feel good about is rejuvenating. My parents, my brothers, and other (old) family members attended. I enjoyed it. I also got to see other people that I hadn't seen in a while, and to be honest, was not too eager to see. You know how that can be. They were fine, in fact, it was good to see how well we could all get along, actually we had fun together. It called to mind how beneficial it could be to let bygones be bygones. My point is that family, including extended family, and anyone else that you want to include who is caring and supportive is GREAT. And if there's something you can do to make those relationships work better, it is worth it. Now, I'm not necessarily suggesting that you marry your kids off to achieve this, but consider fixing some of those relationships that are in need of repair. It can really be worth it.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

Easier-Than-It-Looks Recipe: Lisa's Satisfying Spinach Balls

2008-05-26T09:14:00.000-07:00

Linda made "Lisa's Satisfying Spinach Balls" this past Memorial Day Holiday for a cookout. They were quite tasty. I figure that the summer is THE cookout and picnic time of the year, and the Spinach Balls (served warm) are perfect for such gatherings of friends and family. Lisa and her family are long time friends of ours. She would make these Spinach Balls for office parties, and they would be the main reason I would attend. As you might imagine, they are healthy, and easier than they look to make.

LISA'S SATISFYING SPINACH BALLS

Ingredients:

2 10-ounce packages frozen chopped spinach

2 cups herb stuffing

1 large onion, chopped

4 eggs

1/2 cup Parmesan cheese, grated

1/2 cup margarine or butter, melted

1/2 teaspoon thyme

1 clove garlic, minced (about a teaspoon)

Salt (if you have to) and pepper to taste

Directions:

Cook the spinach as per the package instructions. Drain and squeeze out as much water as possible. Mix together all of the ingredients. Chill in the refrigerator for 2 hours. Roll the mixture into 1" balls, and place them on an ungreased pan. Bake at 400 degrees for 30 minutes. And there you have some of Lisa's very satisfying spinach balls.

You can vary the recipe depending on how many you need to make. We ended up up with a lot because we made smaller ones (about 75). Lisa says that if you make 1" balls they come out better, and end up with about 35. Linda took about half of the recipe and made some very satisfying spinach patties (bigger and flatter than the balls, and about the same cooking time). Thanks Lisa!

Consider Forgiveness...

2008-05-22T08:59:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately, mostly because I'm reading a book about it (Forgiveness: Theory, Research, and Practice, by M. McCullogh and others, 2001). Actually, some of the book is kind of boring (I'm reading it for continuing education credit), but it's mostly pretty interesting. So in preparing to write some of my thoughts on the subject, I reviewed some of my earlier bloggings (I'm not sure "bloggings" is a word, but "blog" just became a word itself!). And I've written about it a few times last year: "Give Peace a Chance," July 15 2007; "All You Need Is Love," Sept. 22 2007; and in my response to comments, I wrote "Forgiveness, Easier Said Than Done," Oct. 1 2007. I was not aware I had given this subject so much attention. This will not be about how to fogive, or the effect of it on relationships as these subjects are covered in my previous bloggings (sorry, I had to use that 'word' again). This is more about the effects on you, and your happiness. I will try not to repeat myself, but obviously there's more to be said on the subject of Forgiveness. Consider this...

Scientific evidence proves, no, let's say strongly suggests that forgiving others has positive effects on your health and well-being. However, there may be certain aspects of our life that are currently influenced by personal views/beliefs that were developed from situations, or information that we've received. Consciously or not, we may hold resentments, fears, even anger towards individuals, or groups of individuals who may seem to have hurt us or people we care about. We therefore try to avoid these individuals, or treat them without the care and respect that we treat others with. In worse cases, we may pass this on to our kids and cause them confusion when dealing with these people (that we may or may not know personally). Of course this is how negative stereotypes develop. Also how negative expectations of people develop, and perhaps cause us to miss out on a beneficial relationship. For example, some people hate men. And of course there are men out there who do bad things, but to project that on to all of us is going to negatively influence those relationships.

If there are certain attitudes that you hold towards others (personally known to you or not), that tend to arouse negative emotions in you, consider forgiveness as an option to relieve yourself of some of the obstacles to your happiness. As I've said before, forgiveness is not always an option. If your resentments, even anger, interfere in your life in some way(s), and the object of those feelings is not actively continuing to hurt you, then it is time to consider it. I am not suggesting that you "forgive and forget." "Forgetting" may leave you vulnerable to similar situations in the future. Forgiveness relieves a specific emotional burden, and hopefully will bring you a few steps closer to the good health, peace of mind, and happiness that you seek.

Summer Play School

2008-05-11T12:59:00.000-07:00

Last year, in May, I posted a blog suggesting that parents use their kid's summer vacation as a time to help their child brush up on aspects of their academics or behavior that were causing them difficulty in school. It is a great idea for this summer too. Several of the families I worked with last summer on developing their "summer play school" plans saw improvement in their child's performance this school year. The initial complaint is usually that children (and parents) deserve a break from school work during the summer. Well, I think we all deserve a break from school work whenever we can get it. But, first of all, the work can be very well disguised as play. And second of all, if you don't put the time in now (during the summer break), you'll likely have to put in much more during the school year, when you actually have less time. Do this stuff even on the trips you take. Offer good enough incentives, and your child will be eager to "play school."

In addition to good incentives, I have a few other suggestions. Identify the areas of concern, for example, studying habits, organization, daydreaming, attention-seeking, hyperactivity, social skills, forgetfulness, conflict with peers or teachers, impulsivity, test taking, peer pressure etc. Next, develop play activities for your child that simulate the school situation. Role-playing is a good example. Your child can imagine being that kid that can't stay in his seat for 5 minutes. Through acting (role-play), with good enough incentives, he can prepare to perform much better when school starts. If it's 15 minutes a day, and fun (and don't forget the REWARDS), he'll break some old bad school habits and develop some new, more helpful ones. You should have several things that your child works on even though they may not be specific problems. Reading, writing, math, internet research, and any of the areas that you want them to learn new skills in, or to keep their skills fresh. Still, make it enjoyable for them. If you have to fight them to gain their participation, you have to get more creative. Fighting is not fun. Make the plans together with your young'un, even before school ends. As you're planning the summer's activities. If you need help, give me a call. (Also remember to read the "Back-To-School" Series from last summer to further prepare your child for a successful school year next year.)

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!

2008-05-04T13:10:00.000-07:00

I think mothers are some of the most important people in the world. So it's great that there's a Day to celebrate them. They do so much for us, and have throughout life. So I thought that I would try a little poem to help commemorate their day. (Also as a reminder. My Mother's Day blog of May 6. 2007, reminds us to cut out the drama this Mother's Day.)

Mom's Day

Becoming a Mother is a dream come true for many people today.

Those who have had their kids for a while, have mixed views they say.

Moms start out with unconditional love, for the infant that they have.

They'll love and protect their child. Cuddle them as they cry and laugh.

Their flowers blossom. The child grows.

Mother's love and compassion flows.

Then the kid becomes a teen. What was once cute can be less so today.

You learn you have to change the way you relate to your kid. Okay.

Nothings "changed" except their age, but they seem to act so weird.

Uh-oh! My son's not only telling me "No," but he's now growing a beard.

All I'm saying is that we all had Mom's. We need to show the right appreciation.

And every year, we get this chance to offer them celebration.

The things they've done. The things they do.

Mom, we're much better off because of you.

You deserve the Day. You deserve a year

Of love and gratitude you deserve to hear.

So roses are red, and violets are blue.

Mom, you ARE the best. Happy Mother's Day to you!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!

Beware Of Toxic People...

2008-04-22T10:38:00.000-07:00

Toxic people cause toxic relationships, which are bad news for you. Bad because they are usually one-sided (their side), can be emotionally draining, and distracting from the happiness you want to have in your life (ie. too much drama). A life coach on Oprah.com describes several types, though I'm guessing there are many more. You can tell by the names she gives them, what their deal is.

"The Blamer" constantly complains about life, and dumps his frustrations on you.

"The Drainer" is very needy, and asks for help, guidance, suggestions, etc. to help them feel better in the moment (It would be nice if these people ever did actually take the advice you give them). It's ALL about them, ALL the time.

"The Shamer" is really toxic. They'll put you and your ideas down, make fun of you, yell at you, and often in front of other people. They'll also try to convince you that their "feedback" is for your own good. If you walk away wondering if you're crazy, the Shamer has done her job.

"The Discounter" challenges everything you say. They are ALWAYS right, and exhausting. When dealing with them it's often better to say nothing, and just listen.

And then there's "the Gossip." "This person avoids intimacy by talking about others behind their back." And, as you would guess, they're also talking about you behind your back.

I would imagine that you could probably put a face on these characters. Although it's best to have as few of these people in your life as possible, you can't always get rid of them. They may be family, coworkers, bosses, even the cashier at the grocery store. If you can avoid them, do that. You can try to get them to change, but often they are not looking for, nor listening to any advice you're giving them. Now if it's a child that's toxic you may be able to exert some control over that relationship, and help eliminate their toxicity before it become too much a part of their personality. As you might imagine, these people are often unhappy in their lives, and are very capable of sharing that unhappiness with you. A friend of mine refers to some of these people as "frienemies." They act like they're your "friend," but the effect on you emotionally is that of an "enemy." My advise is to have positive people in your life. The kind of people who are encouraging, supportive, and leave you feeling better about yourself because they (directly or indirectly) acknowledge your qualities, and give you constructive feedback.

Now, if you look in the mirror and find that a "toxic" person is looking back at you, there are some things that you can do to change that. First of all, feel encouraged that you were able to notice this. Most toxic people stay in denial about the negative effects they have on people. Secondly, don't be hard on yourself, but do seek out some feedback from your friends and/or family members that you still have contact with. Finally, work on changing the bad relationship habits that you've developed, staying open to constructive feedback from those people you do feel closest to. It is difficult sometimes to make changes when the people around you, continue to treat you as if you are the same as you were. They may not notice nor trust your efforts until the changes have been seen for a while. Hang in there. It's worth it.

Psych 101: PTSD (part 2)

2008-04-11T13:46:00.000-07:00

Treatment for posttraumatic stress disorder will vary depending on the severity of the symptoms, the treatment approach of the therapist, and, of course, the motivation of the client. Sometimes medication is necessary to control incapacitating depression (anti-depressants), anxiety (anti-anxiety medicine), or thought disturbances (anti-psychotics) like paranoia, or hallucinations (for example, hearing voices or seeing things). The use of medication can be temporary, but will offer some immediate relief from the symptoms, and help the client respond better to treatment.

I use a Cognitive - Behavioral approach. It addresses the thinking (cognitive) problems that support the illness, and teaches new behaviors to use in response to the situations which trigger the symptoms. It helps if the client is able to recall and discuss the traumatic event, in order to better understand and help change the irrational thinking patterns that have developed. For example, the sense of child-like vulnerability experienced when an adult with PTSD feels threatened by things said by an angry spouse. If that person can change their mindset to include the fact that they are now an adult capable of protecting themselves, then their response to the verbal "assault" will not be as dramatic. I often use relaxation breathing as an alternate behavioral response to practice in the presence of the "trigger." In the example above, relaxation can be used to facilitate a healthier response, instead of extreme anger and perhaps violence (to protect the vulnerable "inner child"). I focus a lot on what the client presents with respect to their perception of their experience. I try to understand their experience as much as possible the way that they do, in order to develop a treatment plan that is relevant to their needs. Some therapists make the mistake of imposing their views and values on the client and prematurely move them in a direction that the person may be unable or unwilling to go. For example, it may not be necessary to explore too deeply the original trauma, causing the client to "relive" the horror and pain they've suffered. In such cases I focus more on a behavioral approach.

The client suffering from PTSD must be highly motivated in order to do the work necessary to heal. It is helpful if they have a support system, which can include friends, family, their church. Not that these people need to know the details of the individual's situation, but they can provide encouragement, reassurance, or even distraction when needed. There is a range of stress reactions. There could be "milder" reactions that would not be considered PTSD (like the anxiety reaction some people have when going to a doctor's office), which may not relate to a trauma but to a negative past experience (or experiences). These can interfere with a person's life (for example avoiding doctor's visits) , but not incapacitate them. I use a similar approach to working with these clients.

If you suffer from PTSD, or have extreme stress reactions that interfere with your life (or if your child does), get help. You do not have to live with this forever.

Psych 101: PTSD

2008-04-06T09:03:00.000-07:00

The DSM-IV-TR describes Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) as the "the development of characteristic symptoms following ... direct personal experience of an event that involves actual or threatened death or serious injury; ... or witnessing an event that involves death, injury or threat of another person; or learning about unexpected or violent death, serious harm, or threat of death or injury experienced by a family member or other close associate. The person's response to the event must involve intense fear, helplessness or horror." The "characteristic symptoms" are 1. a reliving of the event (called a flashback); 2. avoidance of things associated with the incident, and difficulty responding to such things when having to deal with them; and 3. increased sensitivity and emotional arousal when in the presence of such reminders. These "reminders" are considered triggers, ie. they trigger the PTSD reaction.

So, just to review. PTSD is a reaction to some really bad thing that has happened to a person (or someone close to that person) earlier in their life. The stress reaction usually occurs several months after the event, but could also happen several years later. The initial event could be remembered or not. Not remembering may be because it happened when the person was too young to remember (including prenatally, as when a pregnant woman has been abused and the unborn child is affected), or because amnesia (or blocking the memory) is a symptom of the stress reaction. PTSD can include severe mood swings; self-destructive and impulsive behavior; somatic complaints (eg. stomach or headaches), feelings of helplessness, shame, guilt and hopelessness; hostility; isolation; paranoia; damaged relationships with others; personality changes. People with PTSD often suffer from depression, substance abuse, panic, agoraphobia (fear of public places) and other phobias, OCD and other anxiety disorders, and bipolar disorder. PTSD significantly interferes with the person's functioning in various areas of their life, including relationships, career, and general social functioning.

PTSD came to more popular awareness during the Vietnam War, when soldiers were coming home after experiencing the trauma of war. This is happening today as soldiers return from the war in Iraq. This illness also affects people who have suffered violent personal attack (including child abuse), torture, natural or man made disasters, automobile accidents, or have been diagnosed with a life-threatening illness.

I have found that many people are affected by significant events in their lives, that effect them with a stress reaction later, but not to the degree of someone with PTSD. People who have learned to function fairly well in spite of earlier bad experiences, but still have anxiety, or depression triggered by a current event or situation (likely in which they feel threatened). I'll talk more about that later, as well as discussing my approach to treating someone with PTSD.

TO BE CONTINUED...

EASIER-THAN-IT-LOOKS RECIPE: Mom's Pizza Spaghetti (Baked Spaghetti)

2008-03-21T14:10:00.000-07:00

This is a recipe that my mother used to make when I was a kid growing up in the Bronx. Usually it was a Saturday meal, which could be reheated during the week. I used to love it. It's basically a baked spaghetti recipe. However, my eating habits have changed since then so, for example, I don't eat white pasta. I don't eat meat. Fortunately, reasonable substitutes for those things exist (though I'm sure using those foods in this recipe will still work for you if you like.) But I do have two products to suggest that you consider. I call them healthy alternatives.

The Myth of Tofu (Soybean Products)

I know a lot of people cringe at the thought of eating tofu or soy products. It really didn't used to taste good. Nowadays there are tofu products that do actually taste good to me, that I have been eating for years now. Many of you have heard of "Boca Burgers." Many current and former meat eaters like them as a healthy substitute for your local fastfood burger. I personally prefer Morningstar Farms products. They and others make burgers, hot dogs, chicken cutlets, sausage, ribs, cold cuts, cheese substitute ,even bratwurst. Now, I don't eat all of that stuff, but a lot of it is very good. I definitely say to try it.

I generally use whole wheat pastas, but there is another soy product I want to suggest that you try. It's called Shirataki Noodles. They are pasta shaped noodles (spaghetti, etc.) that are made from tofu. So they taste the same as pasta, especially with spaghetti sauce, except it doesn't do the diet damage that pasta (carbohydrates) does. I use whole wheat spaghetti in this recipe, but the shirataki noodles is a reasonable substitute.

This dish reheats well, and is low calorie, and low fat (unless you use ground beef, but even then it should be lean). Whole wheat is a healthy carb (the fiber is good for you). The shiratake noodles would make it lower carb, and higher protein. Enjoy it. It is easier than it looks. Let me know what you think.

MOM'S PIZZA SPAGHETTI

INGREDIENTS
1 pound Morningstar Farms Crumble (vegetarian ground beef substitute)
1 (16 ounce) jar spaghetti sauce
1 pound whole wheat spaghetti
1 cup shredded mild Cheddar cheese
1 cup low-fat shredded mozzarella cheese
2 teaspoons of oregano (and other spices are optional, depending on your taste; I like a little pepper, garlic, and basil)

DIRECTIONS

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. In large skillet, cook crumble substitute until brown. Mix in the spices. Mix spaghetti sauce into the skillet. Reduce heat and simmer.
Meanwhile, bring a large pot of water to a boil. Mix in pasta and cook for 8 to 10 minutes or until cooked to your taste; drain.
Mix together cooked spaghetti, crumble and spices mixture, and half of both cheeses, and pour into 9x13 pan. Top with the remaining cheese and bake for 30 minutes, or until thoroughly heated and the cheese is bubbly.

Religion and Politics (Shhh...Don't Say Anything)

2008-03-20T09:42:00.001-07:00

Right up front I'll say, that I know it's not "politically correct" to talk or write about religion or politics. I'm told that as a psychotherapist I may unduly influence people in a particular direction. Actually, I am concerned more about how much these two subjects divide people. I mean, a perfectly good evening can turn into a battleground when someone brings up either of these subjects. Unfortunately, sometimes it seems that people search for differences between themselves and others, when really we all have much more in common than not. With the celebration of holy days this week, and the election primary show we get to witness all day, everyday, they've both been on my mind. I'm going to take a chance and share my thoughts on these subjects.

My religion is love, compassion, trust, happiness and hope. These are the things I pray for, to live these things as completely as possible. My politics are peace, equality, health, prosperity, and love of this country. My vote is going to be for these things. I'm not going to vote for war, division, fear, arrogance, and dishonesty. A problem arises when people's religious beliefs, politics, and lifestyle are in conflict. I mean, saying you believe in one thing and practicing another. I understand why that happens. People have thinking and behaving habits that have developed during their lives, much of which got started in childhood. We had no control over that. Fortunately, as adults we do have control over the choices we make. When our beliefs would have us go in one direction, and our actions take us elsewhere we can develop emotional, relationship, or health problems. For example, we feel (and even say) we love someone. Then we're mean to them. Or we pray for peace, but vote for war. We say we believe that "all men (and woman) are created equal." Then we mistreat a person because they look differently, or talk differently, or even pray differently than we do. The psychologists call this cognitive dissonance , and it can hurt us.

Ok. There it is. One more thing. If you're trying to teach your children your religious beliefs, and/or political values, they're going to get a mixed message if you're not trying to live those values also. And the old parent saying about doing what I say, and not what I do... doesn't work. Especially for teenagers. To them it seems, h-y-p-o-c-r-i-t-i-c-a-l. So I don't mean to "unduly" influence you, but I do mean to give you something to think about. I trust that you'll make the choices that work for you and your family.

The Glass Is Not Empty

2008-03-11T12:47:00.001-07:00

As you know, I like to look at the glass as being half full, rather than half empty. I am an optimist. I want to focus on what I've got, rather than what I don't. Think positive. That's me. Nowadays that gets difficult. In addition to my Miami Heat losing all the time, there's been some really bad things happening in the world lately. First of all, the war, the bad economy, and the other things that need to be fixed in our country, seem to be taken for granted. That's sad. Also very sad is that people are leaving their houses, maybe to go to a Wendy's, meeting misfortune, and never returning home. And college students are going to class, and randomly being shot dead. I'm sorry that this brings you down. It makes me sad too. Unfortunately, there's too many of these stories, daily. How do you keep from getting depressed about this state of affairs? How do you stay positive and optimistic when there's so much sadness that we seem to have no control over?

I think that part of the answer is that we have to make happiness happen in our lives, daily. Make the relationships work that are supposed to be loving and happy. Stop tolerating behavior from people that is unacceptable (this includes family and friends). Do good things, big and small. The fact is that there is actually more good happening in the world than there is bad. The bad gets more publicity, and bombards us daily through the media. But there is good out there, even close to us. See it. Feel it. At least be aware of the good stuff enough to balance out the bad. After all, the good is really more important and meaningful than the bad. If you can't allow yourself to see that the glass really is half full, at least acknowledge that it's not totally empty.

LET YOURSELF BE

2008-03-03T19:06:00.000-08:00

Give yourself permission to be free. Release yourself from your own captivity.

Love yourself, and then you'll see.

You WILL be free as free can be!

Skeletons, baggage, your shadow too...

They don't have to dictate what you do.

Let it go.

Free is the sea as it slaps the open beach,

fluid, unrestricted, as the tide extends its reach.

Free is your chi when you let it breath.

Release the ties that keep you bound to your limits.

Outside of the Box is where your freedom sits.

Slavery is dead when you kill it in your head.

It will not die until you open your mind's eye,

To the possibilities in store for you as you explore.

A closet is a small dark place, hide in it. But is it safe?

Or perhaps it's a trap which confines your being.

Doesn't the box that you're living in limit your seeing

the light of your life shining within, the glow of your dreams illuminating your vision?

Freedom is creating your own bold creation.

fly high and be free, dive deep beneath the sea.

Open your life to your possibilities.

Place the wind in your sail, or beneath your wings.

Live the song in your heart, liberate your being.

And when you let it be free, isn't love the best?

You feel its thunder deep in your chest.

Unencumbered by fear, jealousy, suspicion and all the rest.

Move forward with life, let yourself be...

Love, Trust, Care, Hope.

Have the audacity to be free.

Psych 101: OCD

2008-02-21T14:29:00.001-08:00

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder causes a lot of discomfort for people. In the DSM-IV obsessions are described as "persistent ideas, thoughts, impulses, or images that are experienced as intrusive and inappropriate and that cause marked anxiety and distress." The person experiences these obsessions as being not under their control, though is aware that they have created them (not like "hearing" voices). Common obsessions are about being contaminated by germs, repeated doubts (for example, having left a door unlocked), a need to have things in a particular order (people refer to a milder form of this as being "anal"), aggressive impulses (eg. hurting someone), and disturbing sexual images. People suffering from OCD try to neutralize the persistent thoughts with compulsive behaviors. For example, the concern about germs may trigger compulsive hand washing. "Compulsions are repetitive behaviors or mental acts (e.g. praying, counting, repeating words silently) the goal of which is to prevent or reduce anxiety or distress." These compulsions feel like things that you HAVE to do. Go back and check the door over and over to make sure it's locked before you can go out; or checking the stove repeatedly long after you should be in bed because you're obsessing about the house burning down; or spending hours washing your hands (obsessing about germs); being in a meeting and counting the ceiling tiles (or the dots on the speaker's tie).

There are a lot of theories about how we get OCD. I don't think people are born with it. They may be prone to it (ie. the "in-the-genes" theory), but mostly people learn it. We're effected by the influences of the care taking people close to us as children, as well as by traumatizing events. And we typically get a lot of practice with the thinking and behavior patterns. I've discussed my theory about habits before (see my blog posting of 9/14/07, on Anger Management).

To treat people with OCD is interesting for me, and enjoyable to see the client's progress, to see the reduction in suffering. It requires a lot of work. My primary goal is to teach the person to interrupt the chain of events (including thoughts and feelings) that trigger the obsessions and/or compulsions, and retrain the part of the brain that's responsible to respond differently. Dr. Jeffery Schwartz and Sharon Begley in The Mind and The Brain: Neuroplasticity and the Power of Mental Force, explain the "plasticity" (changeability) of the brain. I train the client in self-hypnosis, in order for them to learn to replace the anxiety with relaxation. And a lot of practice, first in their head (imagining the situations), then "in vivo" (in real life). We also discuss the early childhood family dynamics that helped lay the foundation for developing this illness . So there are definitely solutions to the conditions of our lives that distress us. It is up to you to find those answers, and with it (hopefully) the happiness that you deserve.

EASIER-THAN-IT-LOOKS RECIPE: My Tuna Noodle Casserole

2008-02-14T13:37:00.001-08:00

When I was growing up my mother had certain meals that she cooked on Saturday for me, my 3 brothers, and my Dad. Both of my parents worked during the week, so there were not a lot of "special meals" during the week (My older brothers were good at making the hotdogs and baked beans, or heating things up).Tuna Noodle Casserole was one of the Saturday 'specials' that I really liked. There was also chile con carne and rice, and something I called Spaghetti Pizza (Baked spaghetti). When my father had to work on Saturdays, about once a month, he would bring home a couple of pizzas for dinner. New York Pizza is really the best in the world. Sadly, for now, I haven't been able to eat it or other white carbs much lately. When we go to NYC I do allow myself to go to Koronet Pizza shop (110th St and Broadway), to eat a slice they sell that is 3 times the size of a normal slice. I'm looking forward to our trip up in June.

Anyway, I call it 'My' Tuna Noodle Casserole because I made some changes in the recipe to accomodate my changed diet. Mom would use egg noodles (white pasta), and butter (or probably margarine) which is not really necessary for me. We had not had this dish in a long time, and tried it again recently. Really liked it. You should try it. Make changes if you want. You can make it "Your" Tuna Noodle Casserole.

MY TUNA NOODLE CASSEROLE

Ingredients (serves 4 people)

1. 2 cups of cooked whole wheat noodles (or other whole wheat pasta)

2. 1 can of Cream of Mushroom Soup (they make this with reduced salt)

3. 1/2 cup milk

4. 2 6 oz. cans of tuna (I prefer tuna in water, drained, or rinsed if it's in oil)

5. (optional) bread crumbs, and 1 tablespoon of melted butter

6. (also optional) I like spices, so add your favorite ones, for example oregano, garlic, pepper, a little worcestershire sauce

Directions

1. Preheat the oven to 400 degrees

2. Mix soup, milk, tuna and spices (if using them) in a bowl

3. Put cooked noodles in a 1 1/2 quart casserole dish

4. Stir the soup mixture into the casserole dish with the noodles

5. Bake at 400 degrees for 20 mins. or until hot.

6. (optional) mix bread crumbs with butter, and sprinkle on top. Bake for 5 more min.

It's easier to make than it looks, and is good to eat after reheating a few days later. Enjoy!

Love Is In The Air (A Valentines Day Message For The Guys)

2008-01-28T10:12:00.000-08:00

As you know, I hope, Valentines Day is coming. And, love will be in the air whether you like it or not. With all of the reminders around, mostly people trying to make money from it, there will be no excuse (I mean, reasonable explanation) for you not showing a little love to your partner. That is if you do love her. She would like to assume that you love her, especially if you don't seem to show it much. Of course, working (and coming home from work), doing the handyman chores around the house, and the occasional chaffeuring the family around town, would seem to suggest that you do love her. But it may be time to kick it up a notch. As you know happy relationships help relieve stress (see my blog of 6/25/2007). Take my word for it, if you show more love your relationship will be happier, and a lot less stressful. So take this Valentines Day opportunity to start showing it more.

It can be easier than you think. I do know men more often have difficulty in this area because, ... well, we're men. However, if you can acknowledge for yourself, that you do love the person that you're spending your life with, then you can find hundreds of opportunities to express it. She doesn't REALLY know it, if you don't express it. So, saying it is a good start. Resolving conflict without going nuts, goes a long way in showing it. No, I don't mean that you have to do everything that you're told; nor agree with everything; nor allow yourself to be "controlled." A lot of us worry about being controlled. The TODAY show (0n 1/28/2008) had some suggestions about resolving disagreements. 1. Fight thoughtfully and fairly. 2. Don't respond on impulse. 3. Don't focus on winning or losing. 4. Don't make a big deal out of everything. 5. Do choose the right time to work things out. 6. DO LEARN HOW TO FORGIVE. I bet a lot of partners would be eternally grateful, if you took this February 14th as an opportunity to start helping to turn down the drama (and stress ) in your relationship.

Find things to do for your wife/girlfriend that you know she likes. I do not mean ordering the sports channel because you know you can get her to like it. Ask her what SHE likes, if you don't already know. Most women will appreciate a stop by Publix for a handful of flowers, her favorite ice cream, picking up dinner on the way home, offering to do the dishes (load the dishwasher, add the soap, and push the button), get her car washed. Little things that communicate a big message. And your LOVE is a big message to communicate. (More on this in my blog of 9/22/07, "Love Is All You Need.") I really didn't intend to get too wordy about this, but I know a lot of men having difficulty in their relationships because we too often are taking our eye off the prize. The bottom line is this: if you give love, you'll get love, and women tend to be much better at giving it than we are. Have a HAPPY VALENTINES DAY! Really.

PSYCH 101: Dysthymic Disorder

2008-01-26T11:41:00.000-08:00

I don't like labeling people. My preference is for using labels, or diagnoses (that I'll be discussing in Psych 101), to describe collections of behaviors and/or thinking (and feeling) patterns, and/or ways of relating to people, that interfere with ones pursuit of a happy life. My way of thinking about this helps guide my Cognitive-Behavioral treatment approach. In Psych 101 I won't focus so much on the origins of the bad habits/patterns, though I am very familiar with them. My focus will be explaining the diagnosis, as defined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-IV-TR), and offer some suggestions about treatment, the way I would do it.

"Dysthymic Disorder [is described as] a chronically depressed mood that occurs for most of the day more days than not for at least two years. In children the mood may be irritable, instead of depressed" for at least a year. I describe it as a mild depression (as opposed to a major depression), and it can influence sleep, appetite, energy level, self-esteem, cause poor concentration, difficulty making decisions, feelings of hopelessness and helplessness, negativity, pessimism, and self-isolation. Sounds pretty bad. It feels bad too.

Treatment can be successful without the use of medication, though I often suggest the use of St. John's Wort (a tea/herb) along with counseling. Recovery from Dysthymic Disorder can be difficult because it requires changing certain thinking, feeling, and behavior patterns at a time that the person is feeling low energy and motivation, feelings of helplessness and pessimism. And, as you know, habits are hard to break. You have to push yourself. Take a small step to start, and be persistent. It helps to have a support system, even though you don't want to be around people. Socialize, exercise, find other activities that distract you from the depressed thoughts and feelings. Learn to balance the negative thinking with positive thoughts and optimism. Often the feelings are triggered by unresolved grief. Explore that possibility, and commit to resolving those feelings of loss (and associated anger, guilt, and sadness) by talking and/or writing about them. The biggest culprit, I think, of triggering the depression is an overload of stress. Examine the sources of stress in your life, and control it better. You know my feeling about this. If happiness is not a part of your life you have got to fix that. If you suffer from Dysthymic Disorder, try some of the things I suggest here (also see my MENTAL NOTES blog of March 4, 2007, "Curing Depression...").

Fix Your Self-Esteem

2008-01-17T13:09:00.001-08:00

Self-esteem, simply put, is how you feel about yourself. It is a general sense of who you are as a person, though often people base that "general sense" of themselves on a specific aspect of who they are. For example, self-esteem may be based on who they are as a mate, a parent, a worker, or an athlete. So for them, being good or bad at one of these roles, dictates a high or low self-esteem. In reality though, it goes deeper than that. The self-esteem we've developed growing up, influences how we perceive our effectiveness in the roles that we choose. A good example is how some of our successful entertainers, who seem bent on self-destruction, pretty obviously don't love themselves in spite of their talents. Apparently, they have low self-esteem. Aside from those extreme examples, I think most of us have self-esteem issues in certain aspects of our lives. The problem is allowing that to negatively influence our view of ourselves. I mean, if we don't feel good about who we are we tend to perform less effectively. We may also tend to accept unacceptable treatment in relationships (for example, from our partner, boss, coworkers, or even our children). The biggest influence on the self-esteem that we develop occurs in childhood, in our families, in our relationships with our parents and other important people in our lives.

So, how do you fix it without going back in time? And how do we make sure our kids learn to feel good about themselves, and develop high self-esteem?

1. Identify and acknowledge the things that you do well. Focus more on your strengths than your limitations.

2. Develop specific skills that you can feel confident and good about. In a recent article in Oprah's Magazine (January, 2008; we have a copy in the office if you want to come in to read it), they call it "self-mastery." I agree with their suggestion that increasing your level of self-mastery should be the goal, and is the answer to improving how you feel about yourself, raising your self-esteem.

3. Don't let one thing define you. And we often choose the one thing we may have difficulty with, and give it a lot more emotional attention than it deserves. For example, a man who is an incredible employee, husband, carpenter, son, brother and friend (to name a few), makes a parenting mistake and that reinforces any and all of the negative images the guy has of himself. Maybe because he didn't have a father, and always wanted to be the perfect parent when he grew up. Well now that you're grown you can give up that childhood fantasy, and settle for just being a good father (or husband, manager, etc.).

These recommendations work for your kids too. Don't give them empty praise, suggesting that they're good at everything. Give them realistic praise and encouragement for things that they do well. Also, you can help them find things that they can learn to do well. And work hard at finding good things about your child to praise them for. Now, if you can't find at least a few good things about yourself or your child, come in for a session.

Easier - Than - It - Looks Recipe: Tilapia Parmesan

2008-01-08T14:12:00.001-08:00

My wife and I enjoy cooking. So we thought that we would share some of our favorite recipes, as well as ask you to share some of your favorites. If they pass the taste test, and the EASINESS test, I would be more than happy to print it so that our other bloggers can enjoy them. The only thing is that we don't eat meat (yes, that does include chicken and turkey. We always get asked that). We do eat a lot of fish, and soy products. And generally prefer low fat, low carb and whole grains, trying to watch those pounds and inches (I've lost 25 lbs. in the past 2 years). Though we definitely enjoy the occasional dessert (especially the high fat, high carb ones). And one of us REALLY enjoys chocolate, but I promised I wouldn't mention her name. So do send us your favorite recipes to my e-mail address, TheFreelsGroup@bellsouth.net . Also maybe a little story about where you got it ("little" story).

Now this one we got while visiting my parents last summer in South Jersey when my Dad got sick. He's much better now. We met my daughters there, and went for dinner after visiting him and my Mom. I ordered the Flounder Parmesan at this Italian restaurant/Pizza shop. Dee-lish-us! I've never written a recipe before, but the Mrs. encouraged me to try. It came out OK. See what you think.

Tilapia Parmesan

Ingredients

1. 1 lb. of tilapia (serves 2) - other fish fillet can be substituted

2. 1 cup of shredded mozzarella cheese (more or less to taste)

3. 2 cups of marinara sauce

4. olive oil, or other cooking oil

5. bread crumbs

6. 1 egg

7. marinate (optional): Use your favorite spices to marinade if you choose to. For this dish I use worcestershire sauce, lemon juice, Old Bay seasoning, oregano, garlic

Directions:

Put the cooking oil in a frying pan (a few teaspoonfuls of oil should be sufficient, though you may add more while it cooks if needed) using moderate heat. Stir an egg in a bowl. Dip the fish in the egg mix, which also helps the breading stick to the fish. Coat the fish with the bread crumbs. Cook the fish in the frying pan for 10 to 15 minutes on each side, until the fish is cooked completely (it should be white inside). Reduce the heat. While in the frying pan, coat the fish with the marinara sauce. Cover it with the shredded cheese. Cover the pan for a few minutes allowing the dish to simmer until the cheese melts. Voila!! You can add more sauce and/or cheese to the completed dish, depending on your taste.

Try it and let us now what you think. Also send me one of your favorites (to my e-mail address). Remember to aim for easier-than-it-looks, meatless (though we sometimes just substitute fish, or soy for the meat in a recipe), and healthy (e.g. we substitute brown rice for white, whole wheat breads and pastas, etc.). But of course, you can go nuts with the desserts.