I'M RAISING A TEEN,... HELP!!

Help is on the way.  Mom's, do you ask these questions about your teen or young adult?

• How come my son doesn't want to talk?
• Could my daughter be depressed?  Suicidal?  What are the signs?
• Even if their over 18, don't they have to follow MY rules in my house?
• I want my child to finish school.  Get a job.  How do I help?
• How much privacy should I give my daughter?  
• Should I limit their internet time?  What about Facebook?
• How do I get my son to be more motivated?  Improve my daughter's self-esteem?
• Do I have to agree with their dad?  What if Dad's not around? 
• How can I tell if my teen is using drugs?

          We will be starting a Women's Parenting and Support Group next month.  A lot of parent's have asked about getting more help and support while raising their teen or young adult. Parenting a teen is a very difficult job.  This group experience will help you learn everything from managing crises, to helping your child develop career goals and a life plan, to requiring respectful and responsible behavior from them.


          This is an opportunity to overcome some of the obstacles that exist between you and your child.  Two groups (1 for mothers of 12 to 17 year-olds, the other for mothers of 18 to 25 year-olds) will begin in February.  Call or e-mail me soon to sign up. 

Teenagers, ... What Can I Say?

Teenagers are an interesting species. Sometimes they even seem like they're from another planet. Don't they? What's funny is that we were all teenagers once (or are now, or will be soon), for several years. Remember that? So then why is it so hard to relate to them sometimes? I have a few ideas about that. I'm sure you figured that.

We get used to our children for 10+ years as little (sometimes cute) kids. They do what we tell them (mostly). We always know where they are. They do a lot of stuff with us, and seem to enjoy it. Also, with young children we get to be the type of parents we always expected to be. Totally in charge of their lives. They are totally dependent on us. But relatively quickly things change. Actually the kids start to change dramatically. Us, usually, not so much. Not only that, but the world has changed significantly since we were teens. For example, whereas our parents may have been forward thinking enough to limit our television viewing, we have to be aware of not only tv (with 500 channels), but the Internet, video games, and cell phones. And even though we may be creative enough to figure out where they are most of the time, we can't always know what outside forces they're being exposed to in person or via telecommunications. Remember, your parents didn't always know what you were doing. Now multiply that by a hundred. Yes, it is scary. But we survived, and so will they. How can we help most?

Well, as you know Parenting is an Art (see my blog of 3/23/07), and you have to work at it. You have to grow as a parent as your child grows into adolescence. Prepare for your child's adolescent growth spurt. You have at least 10 years. You can be ready by the time your child gets there. At least as ready as any parent can be. The most important thing you can do is to prepare your child for you to be a big part of their life when they get to be teens. Then they won't fight you as much, it will be a part of your regular routine. You're not looking to be their best friend, and in fact you want to be able to give them as much space as you feel safe with. They have to get out in the world, make choices, make mistakes, while you are still involved enough for them to come to you for help and support. If they don't feel you close enough emotionally they will go elsewhere for what they need. When you're the one who should be in the best position to give it to them. This means that from the very beginning you develop good communication (learning to listen when they're young REALLY pays off here), trust, expression of unconditional love, modeling good decision-making and conflict resolution, setting realistic goals and expectations, mutual respect, teaching personal responsibility, and modeling the family values that are important to you. Do this stuff, and your child's teenage years will be a blessing. Well, at least you won't go completely crazy.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I want your 2012 to be happy, yes.  But I also want it to be healthy, prosperous, fun, and everything good.  I'm not talking about "resolutions" this year.  I'm revisiting last years'. I've written about resolutions in some of my previous posts ('Twas The Night After Christmas, Part 1 - 12/2/07, Part 2 - 12/12/07; A New Year's Jingle - 12/22/08; No Resolutions For 2010 - 1/1/10; 2011 - 12/12/10).  


I want this to be a Mindful 2012 for me, and I recommend it for you.  To be more aware of things that I sometimes do automatically, including my emotional reactions. I'm going to slow...it...down.  I found this poem in the book The 4-Hour Workweek (by Timothy Ferris), written by a psychologist David Weatherford.  It describes my goal for this year.

SLOW DANCE

Have you ever watched kids

on a merry-go-round?

Or listened to the rain

Slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?

Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down.

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.

Do you run through each day

on the fly?

When you ask: How are you?

Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done,

do you lie in your bed

With the next hundred chores

Running through your head?

You'd better slow down.

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.

Ever told your child

We'll do it tomorrow?

And in your haste 

Not see his sorrow.

Ever lost touch,

Let a good friendship die

Cause you never had time

To call and say, "Hi"?

You'd better slow down

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere

You miss half the fun of getting there.

When you worry and hurry through your day,

It is like an unopened gift thrown away.

Life is not a race.

Do take it slower.

Hear the music

Before the song's over.

PPAJJYM95SK4

2 WEEKS BEFORE CHRISTMAS

This isn't the "Night Before Christmas," that story is old.

How to prepare for that night is what needs to be told.

By the night before Christmas, your work will be done.

So your Holiday time can be loads of fun.

It's 2 weeks before, you're still doing your shopping.

Count your pennies, and know when you should be stopping.

Stress tends to build as it gets closer to that Day,

And we give into it in a lot of unhealthy ways.

We eat and drink more, have less patience, get into fights.

Well get a grip, take a breath, this year do it right.

Let the spirit of the Season take a hold of you now.

Love and compassion, peace in your life, you should allow.

So go ahead, these next weeks, give a gift of love to your friends.

Offer family members forgiveness now, not after the season ends.

The holidays are also a time we remember people we've lost.

And the sadness it brings makes us feel worse.

Well acknowledge those feelings, but don't get stuck in the pain. Celebrate their life, enjoy good memories that remain.

During these 2 weeks before Christmas take stock of your blessings.

Don't get caught up in the materialism, and the need to buy things.

Prepare yourself and your family to enjoy the celebration.

And start the New Year with joy and jubilation.

EASIER-THAN-IT-LOOKS THANKSGIVING Recipes

Thanksgiving is a time of family, friends, football (no basketball this year, sad), and EATING.  Here are a couple of easy and tasty recipes to accompany your turkey (or Tofurkey ) meal.  Linda's preparing ORIGINAL GREEN BEAN CASSEROLE.    For dessert, along with the pies, are TRADITIONAL PEANUT BUTTER KISS COOKIES.  Yummy.

Original Green Bean Casserole

2  (16 oz) Cans of cut green beans, drained or 2 pkgs. frozen cut green beans, cooked and drained

3/4  cup milk (I prefer almond milk, but it depends on your taste)

1   (10 3/4 oz) Can condensed cream of mushroom soup

1/8 Tsp. of black pepper

1    Can French Fried Onions

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  In medium bowl, combine beans, milk, soup, pepper, and 1/2 can of fried onions; pour into 1 1/2 qt casserole.  Bake uncovered, at 350, for 30 mins.  Top with remaining onions; bake uncovered, 5 mins. or until onions are golden brown.  

Traditional Peanut Butter Kiss Cookies

1    Cup sugar 

1    Cup peanut butter

1    egg

18  milk chocolate candy kisses, unwrapped

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  Combine sugar, peanut butter, and egg.  Shape into 1 inch balls and place on ungreased cookie sheet. NOTE:  If dough is too sticky, refrigerate 1/2 hour or until easy to handle.  Bake for 10 mins.  Remove cookies from oven.  Press a chocolate kiss into the center of each warm cookie.

Enjoy the holiday.  Remember our goal to minimize the drama on holidays (No More Holiday Drama, 8/31/11; Drama Is A Drug, 10/25/09).  HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

OCCUPY YOUR MIND (no politics)

A couple of weeks ago my wife and I participated in the "Occupy Ft. Lauderdale" demonstration in downtown Ft. Lauderdale.  It turned out to be a lot of fun (I think that's the word), for several reasons.  Political beliefs aside, it felt good to have an outlet for some of the anger I've felt during this difficult economic time.  It was exciting to be a part of a real cause, and feel like my voice was being heard, in a movement that represents most Americans.  It was thrilling for drivers to ride by beeping their horns and encouraging the group of a couple of hundred people.  "No comment" on the guys that gave us the finger (though that was kind of funny).  I was energized.


Those of you who are feeling blah about your life sometimes need to find some things to energize you.  My suggestion, based on my recent experiences, is to find something that you believe in and participate in it.  It's especially invigorating if there are other people involved.  Something about a group of people all directing a positive energy towards something they all believe in magnifies the individual energy that you feel.  Religious activities demonstrate that.  Concerts.  The feelings that are generated trigger the release of hormones (and other chemicals in the brain) that make you feel good.


Other activities to occupy your mind with include volunteering, charity work, giving to and helping others.  So, in addition to your exercise, hobbies, healthy relationships, this is a way to expand your interests and enjoy life more.

Peer Pressure...Not Just For Kids Anymore

People are influenced by social relationships starting in preschool (when your kid brings home someone else's cold). And they should be. We are social beings. If you think you can control who your child comes into contact with, you're wrong. Sure you can influence their social environment (for example, public vs. private, or religion-based school), but you will be much more effective if you teach your child how to choose healthy relationships and they know that they can come to you for help when they need it. And of course you have to BE THERE for them.

We all have a need for attention and acknowledgement, in order to feel good about ourselves. The more you give your child (especially early on), the less they'll need to get it elsewhere. They will be more confident, make better decisions, and choose peer relationships that add to their lives, rather than take away from it. I mean they will choose friends who support the kind of values that you agree with. If your child NEEDS to be accepted by others, can't make decisions well, HAS to feel like a part of something (other than your family), then they will be more likely to respond to negative peer pressure. Maybe they'll try drugs to "fit in." Maybe join a gang to "belong." Perhaps pick on other kids to feel better about themselves.

Require that your child introduce you to their friends. Get to know them. Don't overdo it though. Embarrassing your kids doesn't bring them closer, it pushes them away. Encourage your child to participate in organized sport or social activities. Help your child learn the difference between good and bad peers, then you won't have to worry about their friends pressuring them to make bad choices.


How about the social pressure we feel as adults?  We are more likely to be influenced by our friends (or media images and role models), good and bad, if we're in unhappy relationships, or are lacking confidence in our lives and life choices.  Consider the people you spend your social time with.  Do they influence you positively, or ...  For example, some friends we tend to drink more with, or spread negative gossip, or trash our spouse.  Are these friends or frienemies?  [See my posting of 4/22/2008, Beware Of Toxic People].  I'm just saying, while we're trying to protect our kids from negative peer pressure, let's also look at who we're choosing to spend our time with.