Monday, January 9, 2012

Teenagers, ... What Can I Say?

Teenagers are an interesting species. Sometimes they even seem like they're from another planet. Don't they? What's funny is that we were all teenagers once (or are now, or will be soon), for several years. Remember that? So then why is it so hard to relate to them sometimes? I have a few ideas about that. I'm sure you figured that.

We get used to our children for 10+ years as little (sometimes cute) kids. They do what we tell them (mostly). We always know where they are. They do a lot of stuff with us, and seem to enjoy it. Also, with young children we get to be the type of parents we always expected to be. Totally in charge of their lives. They are totally dependent on us. But relatively quickly things change. Actually the kids start to change dramatically. Us, usually, not so much. Not only that, but the world has changed significantly since we were teens. For example, whereas our parents may have been forward thinking enough to limit our television viewing, we have to be aware of not only tv (with 500 channels), but the Internet, video games, and cell phones. And even though we may be creative enough to figure out where they are most of the time, we can't always know what outside forces they're being exposed to in person or via telecommunications. Remember, your parents didn't always know what you were doing. Now multiply that by a hundred. Yes, it is scary. But we survived, and so will they. How can we help most?



Well, as you know Parenting is an Art (see my blog of 3/23/07), and you have to work at it. You have to grow as a parent as your child grows into adolescence. Prepare for your child's adolescent growth spurt. You have at least 10 years. You can be ready by the time your child gets there. At least as ready as any parent can be. The most important thing you can do is to prepare your child for you to be a big part of their life when they get to be teens. Then they won't fight you as much, it will be a part of your regular routine. You're not looking to be their best friend, and in fact you want to be able to give them as much space as you feel safe with. They have to get out in the world, make choices, make mistakes, while you are still involved enough for them to come to you for help and support. If they don't feel you close enough emotionally they will go elsewhere for what they need. When you're the one who should be in the best position to give it to them. This means that from the very beginning you develop good communication (learning to listen when they're young REALLY pays off here), trust, expression of unconditional love, modeling good decision-making and conflict resolution, setting realistic goals and expectations, mutual respect, teaching personal responsibility, and modeling the family values that are important to you. Do this stuff, and your child's teenage years will be a blessing. Well, at least you won't go completely crazy.

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