It's Not Where You're From, It's Where You're Going.

           I heard this in a song recently. I know it may sound strange for a psychologist to suggest that you don't need to focus on your past in order to fix things in your life. I believe this is absolutely true. As you know, I do believe that we all carry some baggage. And I do sometimes explore relevant past issues with clients, to help them understand how they got to where they are. But often, rather than explore painful past events which can interfere with personal progress, we can focus on fixing things in the present and moving forward from there. One may say, "But the things that happened in my past, make me do the things I do now. They're causing me problems today." Very probably they are. And since we can't go back and change things, let's change what we're doing. Definitely things that may have happened to us as children, directly influence our current behavior, thoughts, and feelings. As children we had little or no control over what happened to us. We were powerless. Our environments (including the people around us) impacted us and our lives. As adults that has changed. We can have a lot more control over our environment, including where we work, live and play, and the people with whom we do those things. Also much more control over what we think and believe.


The idea is to break the bad habits that we've developed (I previously discuss "habits" in my previous postings, PSYCH 101: OCD, 2/21/08; and ANGER MANAGEMENT, 9/17/07). Yes, the childhood influences, often reinforced as we mature, are very strong. Habits are hard to break. But you can do it if you are highly motivated and focused (and get help if you need it).


           This applies to relationships too. Many of the couples that I work with come in focused on their past problems in the relationship (not even the current ones). I consider past problems as symptomatic of the bad relationship then (usually communication and trust issues), and suggest leaving that behind as we look forward and build towards a happier, more loving relationship. Typically some forgiveness is required in order for this to work (see my postings on forgiveness: 5/22/08, 10/1/07, and 7/15/07). The bad habits we develop with each other in relationships are often as bad (unhealthy) as bad personal habits, and may be more difficult to break. So get going, and don't look back!

Take A Moment, ... BREATHE (And RELAX)!

Take a minute, now while you're reading this, to take a breath. Slowly into your stomach. Your lungs extend down about to your navel, so to fill them with air you expand your stomach. This type of breathing is different than how we usually breathe. What I call Relaxation Breathing (more formally called diaphragmatic breathing), fills your lungs causing them to expand. Breathe slowly and deeply into your stomach. You push your belly out when you inhale, and then flatten it as you exhale (pushing the air out out of your lungs). This type of breathing forces your body to relax.

I do this as often as possible, because I, like most people don't usually use our lungs much when we breathe. I recommend it to people whenever I can. It helps counteract the effects of stress. I mean, it slows down your heart rate, lowers your blood pressure, gets more oxygen to your brain, and generally improves your health. This Relaxation Breathing helps you control anxiety (and anxiety attacks), get to sleep, manage your anger better, improve focus and concentration, get rid of headaches and helps fix the symptoms of some of those more serious stress related ailments (including obsessive thinking, irritable bowel syndrome, ulcers, hypertension, pain, ADHD, and more).

It seems to me to be one of the simplest things to do to improve your health, and your life. But you have to practice it. I know you breathe all the time (hopefully), but daily stress causes us to restrict our breathing. Notice how an infant breathes when asleep, as if their whole body is expanding and contracting. This is how we all started out. Try it whenever you can. It's one of those easy things like drinking water (to clean out body toxins) and walking (exercise) that there really is no excuse for not doing. Go ahead, BREATHE. And if you happen to yawn afterwards, that's your body thanking you!

Here is a video demonstration:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gSjHha1fgF0&feature=email

REPAIR YOUR MARRIAGE

First thing you have to know is that you can't do it by yourself. For this Marriage Repair plan to work your partner HAS to participate. Just like they did in helping you get to this point. It would also help (a lot) if you still love each other.

1. Establish a time frame within which each of you agree to work hard to fix the marriage. 3, 6, 12 months. Whatever works best for you. Of course you'll monitor progress during that time.

2. No arguing. It's Ok to disagree. But discuss, and not fight. End the discussion if it looks to be turning into a fight.  Revisit and resolve the problem at a less heated time.

3. You both identify 3 things: (1)what you like that your partner does and want them to keep doing, (2) what you want them to do more of, and   (3) what you want them to do less of. Then do what your partner asks.

4. Commit 100% to the plan.

5. Give each other the benefit of the doubt. Assume each other is trying their best, even when it feels like you're trying harder.

6. IMPROVE COMMUNICATION. Yes, this is the most important part of your plan. It may be the most difficult. Not arguing will help. Listen, listen, listen. Repeat back to your partner what you heard them say before you respond.

7. No mind-reading. Even though you "know" what they're thinking. This will give them room to change.

8. Overdo the attention, affection, and appreciation. Say 'thank you' more. Say 'I love you' more. Even if you have to fake it until you feel it.

9. Date night (or day) at least once a week. This helps remind you of how much you can enjoy each other.

10. BE PATIENT WITH EACH OTHER.


SPECIAL NOTE: Passionate, loving, mutually satisfying sex can help facilitate the relationship repair.

It's always best to be focused on the present, and on your happiness moving forward. Leave the past behind, and consider forgiveness (for yourself and your partner) as needed.


Please feel free to comment, or ask questions here or on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/pages/Freels-Mental-Health-Group/155186571209581. 


Also with Valentines Day coming (February 14th), you'll want to get started on your repair work.  Just sayin'...


　

　

IF I WERE TO SUGGEST RESOLUTIONS FOR 2015...

     I would keep in mind that most New Years resolutions last as long as the first time we get confronted with actually making the change.  So, maybe stop smoking, until you "really" need one.  Or start exercising, until you "just don't have the time".  But I do think that EVERYBODY can take a small first step towards changing their bad habits, or developing new good ones.  And the beginning of the year is as good a time as any to get started.

     So here we go.  Remember: baby steps.  Here's a few New Years resolutions for you to choose from.  At least one...
1.  I will be more conscious of my habits, and their consequences regarding my relationships, health, and work.

2.  I will proactively manage my stress better, and get help if I need it BEFORE it's too late.

3.  I will be sure to show the people who I love that I do, by how I treat them. 

4.  I will learn more about what I eat, and take steps to improve my diet.  To eat healthier.

5.  I will drink more water.

6.  I will exercise.

7.  I will control my anger, including apologizing to anyone who's been negatively impacted by it.

8.  I will consider forgiveness (even if I won't ever forget).

9.  I will worry less.

10.  I will make an ongoing effort to consider the POSITIVE possibilities  in all situations that I'm involved in.

I am sure that you've come up with some of your own.  If you have or haven't, consider the ones listed here.  Our goal is a happy, healthy, more compassionate 2015.

5 MORE TRICKS TO HELP MANAGE JOB STRESS (continued)

As you know, stress effects us daily.  Job stress is different because we choose to go to work, usually because we have to, so we just get used to the personal demands of the job.  We expect it, anticipate it.  So sometimes it surprises us when we start having the ill effects of this daily grind.  It effects our health.  Our relationships.  Our overall happiness.  Here's a few more ways to control that stress.

6.  GET A LIFE OUTSIDE OF WORK. Our jobs often tend to  extend beyond the normal work hours.  In addition to taking work home, we can also think (or worry) about it when we're not there. Also (hopefully) taking time to recover from the exhaustion that's caused by a stressful job.  Our lives can tend to revolve around our work.  However, if our whole life is our job, and that job isn't very enjoyable, then our whole life isn't enjoyable.  Develop other interests.  Hang out with friends. Pay attention to your partner (date night?).  Go out with your family.  Exercise.  Then you have other things to think about, and to do.  Something to look forward to after work. This will help reduce your overall stress, including your work stress.

7.  LET A PICTURE MAKE YOU SMILE.  Either on your desk, or in your pocket (or in your phone), have a picture that's guaranteed to make you smile.  Baby pictures work well, or a pet, or a beautiful memory.  When your frustration is building at work, or disappointments are mounting up, take a look at the picture.  Let it make you feel good, as well as remind you of the REALLY important things in your life.

8.  DON'T BUY INTO THE NEGATIVITY OF OTHERS.  This is not always easy.  Especially if you are already stressed, not really happy at the time (for your own reasons).  You may readily engage in their negativity to help rationalize your distress.  Let toxic coworkers know not to bring you their drama, their complaints, their gossip.  It may be difficult at first to set boundaries for them, and you may lose them as work compadres (aka frienemies), but you'll be better off.

9.  STOP SEEING YOURSELF AS STUCK IN A "DEAD END" JOB.  Develop a different perspective of the job, and of yourself in the job. The way you characterize your job exists in your head.  You are in control of what goes on in there (though it may not feel like it sometimes).  If your job is getting you down, realize that you are allowing that to happen.  Take action.  Acknowledge it as the challenge that it is, then rise to meet the challenge.  Focus on the opportunities to be successful, and take pride in your ability to overcome obstacles even in the worst situations.  Even though you may not like the job, it's always better when you feel good about yourself.

10.  DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF.  And there is so much "small stuff" that if you aren't careful, it will build up and wear you out. That's called BURNOUT.  So be mindful that the big things, for example a possible layoff, poor work evaluation, or an impending promotion, deserve your attention.  The small stuff may require a certain amount of work to resolve, but does not deserve your sweat, or worry, or stress.  So deal with it and forget it.  Move on.  You will do a better job, and you will feel better.

10 Tricks To Help You Manage Job Stress

          I'm sure you're wondering, "why does he call these 'tricks'"?  Well, our bodies/mind/spirit are designed to be healthy and happy.  Stress can interfere with that.  We've pretty much been trained to accept stress, because it ain't going nowhere. Especially job stress.  So we end up tolerating much more stress than we should, which negatively impacts our bodies, minds, and spirits.   So these tricks will help you take control of the stress (since much of the work stress is not under your control) that is beating you down.

1. BREATHE! I love to say to people, 'check your breathing'.  You do it now.  Notice that you're not breathing deeply (as we were designed).  As a result, you can't relax; you get tired or bored or distracted because you're not getting enough oxygen to your brain; and you start to get crabby.  When you are at work take a deep breath (or several) throughout the day. It will immediately help counter the effects of stress. It'll be 'like a breath of fresh air!'

2.  REWARD YOURSELF FOR SURVIVING MONDAY.  Mondays are tough for everyone. So much so that we start stressing about it on Sunday. Plan an activity, special lunch or dinner, outing with a friend, a date, after work massage, favorite dessert, something guaranteed to make you feel GREAT.  It gives you something to look forward to as you suffer through the day. You deserve it.

3.  IDENTIFY THE BIGGEST PROBLEM AT YOUR JOB. Pick a favorite song or tune to have available in your head to use when you encounter that situation, or person. Hum the tune (probably best if you hum to yourself) when you need it.  Smile, and allow yourself to enjoy the moment.

4.   ACKNOWLEDGE THE GOOD REASONS THAT YOU STAY AT THIS JOB.  Remember, you're CHOOSING to stay. Likely because the income helps support your family; health benefits; someone's going to college; you like to go out once in a while; you like to shop. Don't focus on the negatives about the job. You'll feel better, less stressed. 

5.  THE WEEK AIN'T OVER ON FRIDAY.  Our lives too often revolve around the job.  Get a life outside of work, and indulge yourself in that from Friday evening to Sunday night.  Don't work on the weekend, even if you usually do work from home. Even though your job is important, it is only a PART of your life. If you lose your job you will get another one. If you were to lose your health, your family, your friends, or your fun you'd be very unhappy. Remember: All work and no play makes for a dull (and stressed out) life. 

                              ~ TO BE CONTINUED ~

Video Games, ... Good and Bad

In my opinion video games are good because they provide hours of enjoyment for people young and old. They can be bad (for young people) for the same reason, "hours of enjoyment," when some of those hours can be spent learning to enjoy activities that have some long term positive benefit. Physical exercise, reading, drawing, playing a musical instrument, cooking, social development (ie. friends), earning money (at home or in the community), conversation, museum visits, etc. But for children to sit and enjoy hours of violent, sometimes sexually provocative, escape from reality, these video games are not good for them. Now, of course we can all use some occasional escapism. But some of these games are just too much for young minds to be exposed to for hours at a time. It has to influence their thinking/feeling some. Anything that a child spends many hours focusing on daily, becoming emotionally involved with, not only influences their thinking, but their behavior. This also goes for the music they listen to, the movies they watch, and internet sites that they visit.

You do not have to cut it all out (unless you have to), but you should be aware of what they are being exposed to in your home and in the homes of their friends. A lot of parents don't think about what their kids may be getting at their friend's house. Figure out how to check that out. And add some balance to your kid's video time. For example, for each hour of video games, an hour of reading or studying. Maybe they earn video game time by doing chores, or by getting good grades. Expose them to other activities, and perhaps participate with them. I don't want to mention any specific games, but I heard this morning about a game that focuses on one person stabbing another, for some reason (?). In today's world, in which so many people have anger (and violence) problems, do we need our kids practicing stabbing (or shooting) vicariously over and over again, day in and day out? How does anyone WIN at that game?