LOVE FAQs: Do You 'Love', or Are You 'In Love'?

What is the difference between 'loving' someone, and being 'in-love' with someone?

People often say to me, when their relationship isn't working, "Well, I love him, but I'm not in love with him.  Do you know what I mean?"  I do know what they mean.  That they're not as happy with their partner as they think they should be, maybe as they used to be.  They may want to fix it, or they may be convincing themselves that it's time to move on. 

When talking about relationships I do differentiate between loving someone and being in love with them.  And you can have one without the other. Being in love is a more stable, and usually more lasting love.  It includes trust, intimacy, vulnerability, and takes time to develop.  It is less conditional on the day to day interactions of the individuals with each other. I think this is as close to "unconditional love" as adults can be with each other.  And it takes time to develop.   It typically includes the "other" kind of love.

The "other" kind of love is a strong feeling of desire, and compassion that is more 'in the moment'.  Still a very strong feeling, but more susceptible to interference by other emotions such as anger, fear, and jealousy.  It is influenced more by the daily interactions with your partner.   As the Persuaders' song suggests, there is a "thin line" between THIS kind of love, and hate.

Why is this distinction relevant?  Because we fall in love all the time.  And the feeling of love is so strong that it can cause us to tolerate bad relationships longer than we should, or not work as hard on the relationship as we should.  As a result, if the relationship fails we think love (and it's close relative, happiness) can't work for us.  Not realizing that perhaps you didn't invest as much time developing the "love" as you should have, in order to reap the reward that you've dreamt about from love, Eternal Bliss. 

Yes, I do believe that couples can feel eternal bliss in their relationship.  It requires work before you commit, and continuous effort throughout the relationship.  It takes time.  So, "love at first sight" can still happen, and be great fun.  That "love" can lead you right into being "in-love", but don't have the expectation that automatically you can trust, be vulnerable and live in eternal bliss without tolerating some bumps in the road.  Don't let it make you miss the "red flags" that should steer you away from emotional danger. 

Good communication is still a very important skill for a couple to develop and practice in order to maintain a healthy and happy, loving relationship.  Don't you deserve that?  

[see other Love FAQs in my blog posting of 2/7/2013]

BREAK YOUR BAD HABITS

All habits are hard to break. But we do need to keep the good ones. In fact, one of the strategies to help break bad habits is to replace them with good ones.

First a few words about bad habits.  Of course there's more than just the obvious bad ones, ie. smoking, substance abuse, excessive gambling, etc.  There are also bad relationship-habits.  For example, arguing, gossip, being the "know-it-all".  We also have thinking habits which interfere with our lives, some of which we may not even be aware of.  Fears, prejudices, obsessions, worries, etc.

I'm going to offer a definition of 'bad habit' as  any repetitive behavior or thought that interferes with your life.  That would be your health, job, relationships, peace of mind, any important aspect of your life.  And most often these behaviors/thoughts are automatic.  We often don't think about them  before doing them.

FORTUNATELY WE CAN BREAK BAD HABITS. Here's how:

1. Identify the habit, and acknowledge that it's bad, based on the effects on you and those around you.  Break your denial.

2.  Identify the triggers.  Acknowledging the connection between the trigger and the behavior/thought  gives you more control over it.  That's not enough to eliminate the behavior, but it's a start towards breaking the habit.

3.  Know that you don't necessarily have to eliminate the behavior completely to break the habit.  Some behaviors can't be eliminated, for example, you can control your overeating though you still have to eat.

4.  Make small (easier) changes that reduce the frequency of the behavior. For example, no smoking in the car, or don't assume (a thinking habit) that your teenager is being disrespectful EVERY time she/he has a different idea than you do. You'll begin to realize the success you can have controlling, and changing your habits.  Taking small steps will lead to major changes.

5. Optional:  Keep a record of how often you do the behavior.  This also helps you to control the behavior by keeping track of your gradual improvement. You get to see which triggers create greater obstacles.  Small setbacks (if they occur) won't seem so monumental.

6.  Find a positive activity to replace the bad habit.  For example, listen to your teen (or partner, or coworker) before reacting and choose a different response (don't pre-judge).  If you do have a setback, do what you can to correct it and get back on track.

7.  Enlist the support of people around you who care (family, support groups like Alcoholics Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous, etc.).

8.  REWARD YOURSELF for small successes.  This will help you stay motivated.

If your bad habits continue to get the best of you, get some help.



 

LOVE FAQs

          With Valentine's Day coming, love is in the air. Of course it should be everyday, but too often we just don't feel it.  From my work with couples as well as with individuals who are trying to find love, I've identified some of the frequently asked questions that people ask to find the right relationship or  fix the one they're in.

1.  How do I find the man/woman of my dreams?
     Dream about the person that you want in your life.  Imagine them as specifically as you can, including their appearance, lifestyle, career, views of life, etc.  This will help you focus your search, and more easily feel in tune with the person when you meet them,  You'll feel more comfortable, familiar.  Like you know them.  You'll be more likely to be able to pick them out of a crowd.

2.  How do we keep from having bad arguements?
     Stop arguing.  You and your partner make an agreement to stop the arguement before it gets started.  Notice when your disagreement is headed toward more heat than your normal problem-solving conversation, and one of you call it to a halt.  Take a deep breath and go calm down.  Come back later and resolve whatever the original issue was.  "Don't attend every argument that you're invited to." [For more on conflict resolution see my posting,   http://thefreelsgroup.blogspot.com/2012/05/communication-learn-how-to-fight.html ]

3.  Why does my partner shut down every time we have a disagreement?
     Couples tend to develop habits between them. Most of those habits are usually pretty good, but some can be bad for the relationship.  Look at what you might be contributing to the poor communication. Encourage him (usually it's us guys who have so much more difficulty talking about emotional issues) to talk about what's going on with them.  And you listen.  Patiently.  Let him finish.  Assuming that the two of you are working on resolving this problem together, take some opportunities to practice discussing difficult (emotionally charged) issues.  The more practice you two get, the better you'll get at it. 

4. How do you forgive?
     First make sure they're finished with the bad behavior.  It's hard to forgive someone who screamed at you (for example) if they're still doing it.  Remember that this is the person that you love (or care about).  Separate the person that you care about from the behavior that you don't like.  You can forgive the person, even though you are still angry, and recovering from, the hurtful behavior.  It helps a lot if the person is apologetic and trying to make it up to you. [ For more on this see my posting, Consider Forgiveness,... http://thefreelsgroup.blogspot.com/2008/05/consider-forgiveness.html

5.  Should I have access to my partner's phone (and computer passwords, etc.)?
     If you are living together, yes.

 

To Be Continued...

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!

 



    

GUNS, VIOLENCE, AND KIDS...

What combines guns, violence and kids? Violent video games.  Very sadly kids sit for hours and hours playing at shooting and killing people, human-like creatures, even zombies.  Young children play games on-line which use cartoon characters to kill other cartoon characters.  At a very early age children are learning to devalue life.  They are becoming desensitized to killing.  There is also too much exposure to violent behavior on TV and in movies. 

Star Jones on the Today Show said, "Violence has been turned into an ok form of pornography for kids." Sad but true.

Don't allow your kids overexposure to violent behavior in any form.   It teaches them violent behavior.  How much is too much? You be the judge (not your kid).

While we are on this subject, there are a few other things that we can do to combat this "overexposure".  Teach your child to label and express their feelings healthily.  Especially anger (and sadness, which can turn into anger).  Teach them to talk about it.  Talk to them also about some of the violence that they encounter, and is in their world.  Bullying, war and other killing reported in the news.  Help them process, understand, these events.  To not accept it as a normal part of life.  Also teach them kindness and caring. To relate to others with compassion even when they disagree with them. One of the best ways to teach them is to model this behavior. 

There is too much violence in our lives.  The best way to combat it is to understand that there are always other options, and to choose them.

Expect More In 2013

Yes, let's expect more from others and more of ourselves. Those people we elected to office? I expect them to stop creating false crises. You know, the "cliffs" we're gonna "fall off" of. The "debt ceilings" the media goes nuts about.  Only to resolve it, and move on to the next crisis. Stop it! Or next time your going to be out of office. I've already started changing the TV channel when they go overboard with this.  I'm going to expect more.

Also people that I pay.  I need to get the service, the courtesy, and dang it, I'm also looking for a smile.  Or else you're not getting my money.  I'm done.  If your partner is being mean, your kids are being rude, or your neighbor (or coworker) is not being nice.  Don't talk to them.  See if that makes a difference. Let them know you expect more from them.

And let's expect more of ourselves in 2013.  More patience. More tolerance. More compassion. Expect more happiness. Don't settle for less than you deserve. You do deserve more than you usually get.  Expect more.

Expect that you can achieve whatever you set your mind to.  Don't limit yourself, nor allow others to limit you.  Expect 2013 to be a happier, more fun, more peaceful, and more productive year.  It will likely take more work on our part.  But what do you expect?

BEWARE HOLIDAY STRESS...

I talk (and write) a lot about managing stress. And by now you know the reason for that, which is that it can contribute to problems with health, relationships, and just about any other aspect of your life. I think that a lot of people are not as prepared as they should be for the stress that comes with the holidays. I want to help with that. I do love these holidays for a lot of reasons, mainly because it's an opportunity to celebrate. But we are all affected by the stress that can accompany the "good time." Thanksgiving for example. A time for us to "give thanks". If you are unhappy in your life, the holiday can tend to emphasize that there seems to be very little to be thankful for. Christmas too. Everyone's supposed to be happy, sing songs, and give gifts. Aside from the annoying over-commercialization of the holiday, if things are not going your way its hard to feel the Spirit. So, the answer is to take these holidays as an opportunity to escape reality (which I rarely suggest), and enjoy.

I know, easier said than done. Let me talk more about some of the specific stresses of the holidays, and make some suggestions about how to handle them. For example, a big issue for some people is getting together with family to "celebrate." Somehow these gatherings become a time to relive some of the old family drama. Not fun to look forward to, and not fun to live through. You've got to have some kind of family truce for the holiday. Plan this before hand, because once in action, the family "forces" are sometimes too strong to resist. Just be aware if the conversation starts heading towards a sensitive topic, change the subject; or take that time to go get yourself some cider. All you can really do is control your role in it.

You may not have the opportunity to avoid holiday family scuffles because you don't have any family around. Find friends to spend the time with. Do something fun! Another stressful situation that some people deal with is spending these holidays without a loved one who's been lost. Holiday times tend to trigger memories of family celebrations, and emphasize the absence of someone you spent past holidays with. Try not to focus on their absence (though it makes sense to acknowledge the sadness, but not to dwell on it), but focus more on the enjoyable memory. Use old photos to stir up those memories. Smile. The idea is to take these opportunities to be happy about family and friends. Give Thanks even.... 

Take this time to be more tolerant of people, more forgiving, less angry. Stress tends to make people less patient and tolerant.  Be mindful of this, and actively work to maintain your inner peace.  This will help relieve your stress in a big way. Whatever your religious or non-religious persuasion this is a good time to focus on the positive aspects of the Season, and live the Spirit. 

 

TOP 10: EASIER THAN IT LOOKS RECIPES

     These are some of my favorite recipes from my blog over the past few years.  Just in time for the holidays. Here is 1 appetizer, Hot Artichoke Dip; 1 entree, Seafood Lasagna; and 1 (great) dessert.  Linda usually makes these, and they are easier to prepare than they look .  For more information about each 1 check the original printing (the date is provided).

HOT ARTICHOKE DIP

Ingredients:

2 15 Oz. cans unmarinated artichoke hearts
1 1/2 cups mayonnaise
2 cups parmesan cheese (grated)

Preparation Instructions:
Drain the artichoke hearts and shred into small pieces. Place in a casserole dish. Mix in mayonnaise, then parmesan cheese. Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes. Serve hot with crackers or bread of your choice.

That was easy!

(reprinted from Jan. 24, 2011) 

 

SEAFOOD LASAGNA

INGREDIENTS:

1 (16 0z) pkg. whole wheat lasagna noodles (white noodles will work too)

2 tablespoons olive oil

1 clove minced garlic

1 lb. sliced portobello mushrooms (I like mushrooms, but we chose not to use them in this dish)

2 (16 oz.) jars Alfredo-style pasta sauce

1 lb. shrimp, peeled and deveined

1 lb. bay scallops

1 lb. chopped imitation crab meat (we used 2 6-0z. cans of crab meat)

20 oz. ricotta cheese

1 egg

black pepper (to taste)

6 cups shredded Italian cheese blend

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Bring a large pot of water to a boil. Add pasta and cook for 8 to 10 minutes or until al dente; drain.

2. Heat oil in a large saucepan over medium heat. Saute garlic and mushrooms until tender. Pour in Alfredo sauce. Stir in cooked seafood. Simmer 5 to 10 minutes, or until heated through. In a medium bowl, combine ricotta cheese, egg and pepper.

3. In a 9x13 inch baking dish, layer noodles, ricotta mixture, Alfredo mixture and shredded cheese. Repeat layers until all ingredients are used, ensuring that there is shredded cheese for the top.

4. Baked uncovered in preheated oven for 45 minutes. Cover, and bake 15 minutes.

Servings: 12

 

 

 

(reprinted from Mar. 3, 2009)

 

APPLE BROWN BUDGIE

 

Butter a deep baking dish. Put in it:

 

4 cups sliced tart apples (peeled)

1/2 cup water

Mix with a fork:

3/4 cup flour (we use whole wheat flour)

1 cup brown sugar (unless you prefer white)

1 teaspn cinnamon

1/2 cup melted butter

(optional: chopped walnuts)

 

Spread the mix over the apples. Bake for about 30 minutes at 350 degrees until the apples are tender, and the crust is brown. This recipe serves 6 to 8 people, but you're all going to want a second serving so plan ahead.

It's good, and it's easy

(Reprinted from Sept. 25, 2009)