Fix Your Self-Esteem

Self-esteem, simply put, is how you feel about yourself. It is a general sense of who you are as a person, though often people base that "general sense" of themselves on a specific aspect of who they are. For example, self-esteem may be based on who they are as a mate, a parent, a worker, or an athlete. So for them, being good or bad at one of these roles, dictates a high or low self-esteem. In reality though, it goes deeper than that. The self-esteem we've developed growing up, influences how we perceive our effectiveness in the roles that we choose. A good example is how some of our successful entertainers, who seem bent on self-destruction, pretty obviously don't love themselves in spite of their talents. Apparently, they have low self-esteem. Aside from those extreme examples, I think most of us have self-esteem issues in certain aspects of our lives. The problem is allowing that to negatively influence our view of ourselves. I mean, if we don't feel good about who we are we tend to perform less effectively. We may also tend to accept unacceptable treatment in relationships (for example, from our partner, boss, coworkers, or even our children). The biggest influence on the self-esteem that we develop occurs in childhood, in our families, in our relationships with our parents and other important people in our lives.

So, how do you fix it without going back in time? And how do we make sure our kids learn to feel good about themselves, and develop high self-esteem?

1. Identify and acknowledge the things that you do well. Focus more on your strengths than your limitations.

2. Develop specific skills that you can feel confident and good about. In a recent article in Oprah's Magazine (January, 2008; we have a copy in the office if you want to come in to read it), they call it "self-mastery." I agree with their suggestion that increasing your level of self-mastery should be the goal, and is the answer to improving how you feel about yourself, raising your self-esteem.

3. Don't let one thing define you. And we often choose the one thing we may have difficulty with, and give it a lot more emotional attention than it deserves. For example, a man who is an incredible employee, husband, carpenter, son, brother and friend (to name a few), makes a parenting mistake and that reinforces any and all of the negative images the guy has of himself. Maybe because he didn't have a father, and always wanted to be the perfect parent when he grew up. Well now that you're grown you can give up that childhood fantasy, and settle for just being a good father (or husband, manager, etc.).

These recommendations work for your kids too. Don't give them empty praise, suggesting that they're good at everything. Give them realistic praise and encouragement for things that they do well. Also, you can help them find things that they can learn to do well. And work hard at finding good things about your child to praise them for. Now, if you can't find at least a few good things about yourself or your child, come in for a session.