Thursday, February 7, 2013


          With Valentine's Day coming, love is in the air. Of course it should be everyday, but too often we just don't feel it.  From my work with couples as well as with individuals who are trying to find love, I've identified some of the frequently asked questions that people ask to find the right relationship or  fix the one they're in.

1.  How do I find the man/woman of my dreams?
     Dream about the person that you want in your life.  Imagine them as specifically as you can, including their appearance, lifestyle, career, views of life, etc.  This will help you focus your search, and more easily feel in tune with the person when you meet them,  You'll feel more comfortable, familiar.  Like you know them.  You'll be more likely to be able to pick them out of a crowd.

2.  How do we keep from having bad arguements?
     Stop arguing.  You and your partner make an agreement to stop the arguement before it gets started.  Notice when your disagreement is headed toward more heat than your normal problem-solving conversation, and one of you call it to a halt.  Take a deep breath and go calm down.  Come back later and resolve whatever the original issue was.  "Don't attend every argument that you're invited to." [For more on conflict resolution see my posting, ]

3.  Why does my partner shut down every time we have a disagreement?
     Couples tend to develop habits between them. Most of those habits are usually pretty good, but some can be bad for the relationship.  Look at what you might be contributing to the poor communication. Encourage him (usually it's us guys who have so much more difficulty talking about emotional issues) to talk about what's going on with them.  And you listen.  Patiently.  Let him finish.  Assuming that the two of you are working on resolving this problem together, take some opportunities to practice discussing difficult (emotionally charged) issues.  The more practice you two get, the better you'll get at it. 

4. How do you forgive?
     First make sure they're finished with the bad behavior.  It's hard to forgive someone who screamed at you (for example) if they're still doing it.  Remember that this is the person that you love (or care about).  Separate the person that you care about from the behavior that you don't like.  You can forgive the person, even though you are still angry, and recovering from, the hurtful behavior.  It helps a lot if the person is apologetic and trying to make it up to you. [ For more on this see my posting, Consider Forgiveness,...

5.  Should I have access to my partner's phone (and computer passwords, etc.)?
     If you are living together, yes.
To Be Continued...