DON'T ACCEPT 'LAZINESS'!

          Parents, spouses, and (believe it or not) even teachers sometimes refer to people they bring to counseling as 'lazy.' I have an immediate emotional response, but typically wait to hear their whole story before suggesting that "lazy," as a description of a person, is bogus. I mean, I interpret it as a description of their behavior. It is typically used as a demeaning label, a bad personality trait. To me it means that a person is not doing the work that's expected of them for one reason or another (including the possibility of unrealistic expectations). Those reasons are likely low motivation (ie. not a priority), anger (they don't want to do it because they're angry at you, and won't say why), not accepting of their responsibility to perform the task, or have been given the excuse that "you're lazy" and they want you to continue to take care of them. And that's your reward for allowing someone to get away with being "lazy." YOU have to do it. That's called enabling.

            Now if they come to me and are diagnosed with malingering (or labelled 'lazy'), I want to figure out why this person is not behaving responsibly and what the family or relationship dynamics are that help maintain this behavior. Sometimes it is part of a larger emotional issue, like depression. But often it is a form of communication in which the person (for example a child, or spouse) is passively expressing anger, and/or exerting some control over their life that feels controlled by someone else (like a parent, teacher, or partner). Stop giving them the excuse of laziness, and make some changes in the relationship. Listen more. Negotiate and compromise better. Offer some rewards. Often more loving attention is a valuable incentive. Becoming more controlling by trying to force them into action often has the opposite effect, that is, they get the attention (although it's negative ) but get more stuck in their noncompliant behavior. It's like you're rewarding their "laziness." Help them break this bad habit, and replace it with responsible action. You and they will be much happier.

LOVE FAQs

          With Valentine's Day coming, love is in the air. Of course it should be everyday, but too often we just don't feel it.  From my work with couples as well as with individuals who are trying to find love, I've identified some of the frequently asked questions that people ask to find the right relationship or  fix the one they're in.

1.  How do I find the man/woman of my dreams?
     Dream about the person that you want in your life.  Imagine them as specifically as you can, including their appearance, lifestyle, career, views of life, etc.  This will help you focus your search, and more easily feel in tune with the person when you meet them,  You'll feel more comfortable, familiar.  Like you know them.  You'll be more likely to be able to pick them out of a crowd.

2.  How do we keep from having bad arguements?
     Stop arguing.  You and your partner make an agreement to stop the arguement before it gets started.  Notice when your disagreement is headed toward more heat than your normal problem-solving conversation, and one of you call it to a halt.  Take a deep breath and go calm down.  Come back later and resolve whatever the original issue was.  "Don't attend every argument that you're invited to." [For more on conflict resolution see my posting,   http://thefreelsgroup.blogspot.com/2012/05/communication-learn-how-to-fight.html ]

3.  Why does my partner shut down every time we have a disagreement?
     Couples tend to develop habits between them. Most of those habits are usually pretty good, but some can be bad for the relationship.  Look at what you might be contributing to the poor communication. Encourage him (usually it's us guys who have so much more difficulty talking about emotional issues) to talk about what's going on with them.  And you listen.  Patiently.  Let him finish.  Assuming that the two of you are working on resolving this problem together, take some opportunities to practice discussing difficult (emotionally charged) issues.  The more practice you two get, the better you'll get at it. 

4. How do you forgive?
     First make sure they're finished with the bad behavior.  It's hard to forgive someone who screamed at you (for example) if they're still doing it.  Remember that this is the person that you love (or care about).  Separate the person that you care about from the behavior that you don't like.  You can forgive the person, even though you are still angry, and recovering from, the hurtful behavior.  It helps a lot if the person is apologetic and trying to make it up to you. [ For more on this see my posting, Consider Forgiveness,... http://thefreelsgroup.blogspot.com/2008/05/consider-forgiveness.html

5.  Should I have access to my partner's phone (and computer passwords, etc.)?
     If you are living together, yes.

 

To Be Continued...

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!

 



    

LET'S TALK ABOUT SEX...

I was surprised when I noticed that I had written very little on this subject over the past 3 years of doing this blog. As a people, we think about it a lot (even triggered sometimes by tv commercials). We get involved in sexual fantasies and secrets. But we don't talk about it with our partners as much as we should. I don't want to generalize, but we are often reluctant to talk about it with the person we should feel closest to, and likely are (or should be) having sex with. Even in therapy sessions I find that it's difficult for people to address this subject, though it may be contributing to the problem(s) they've come in to resolve. I will sometimes teach people the words to use (and not use) to describe various aspects of sex.

Why is it important to be able to talk about sex? Well, it is an enjoyable, intimate part of a relationship. Usually the participants care about each other, and should be able to talk about any issue that involves them. It is an intense physical, and deeply emotional act, that sometimes doesn't work so well for a variety of reasons. In some cases, open and honest communication about this activity would require people to depend less on medicines, drugs, and alcohol in order to perform well. Perhaps if people were having enjoyable sex more with each other they would argue less, and cooperate more in other areas of their lives. Communicate better. Trust each other more.

My most important point here is about improving communication in a relationship, whether you are having sex or not. There are many other enjoyable aspects of happy relationships. If there are ANY areas of your relationship that cause you distress, or you are not as happy as you want (and deserve) to be, TALK ABOUT IT!

One more thing. By the time your child becomes a teenager, you should have had the "birds and bees talk." The updated version which includes a discussion of the value of abstinence, STD's, and contraception. If you can't do it, get some help with it.

YOU ASKED FOR IT: Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

One of my readers suggested this topic, " How do you know when to end a relationship?" I'm surprised I haven't spoken on this before. I guess that's because my intention is for relationships to work out. However, sometimes they don't, and then it's time to split. Let me first say that if you are in a relationship in which you are being mistreated, and forgiveness isn't a realistic option ( see my posting of 10/1/07, Forgiveness ), you should consider ending it sooner rather than later.



Most relationships that you choose start out being fun, but too often they go bad. You do want to get to know the person as well as possible before committing yourself to them. However, as soon as you see it's not working out the way you want/need for it to you have to take action. The sooner the better. Talk about what you see happening. The two of you commit to making some changes, even if you're partner is happy with the way things are. If you are not happy in the relationship, then something is wrong that the TWO of you have to fix. You are not responsible for your partner's happiness. We are responsible for our own feelings. However you are responsible for, and have made a commitment to the relationship, and to making it work FOR BOTH OF YOU. You're both responsible, 50 - 50 (mostly), for what happens in the relationship. And you, individually, give 100% to making it work.




Many people say they've done "everything" thing they could, "tried everything," and it still doesn't work. Before splitting, try counseling. Another perspective on the relationship can help you see how you're both still contributing to the problems. Usually it's bad habits that the two of you have developed with each other, that continue to undermine your efforts. I often suggest that the couple identify 2 or 3 things about your partner that you like and want them to keep doing; a couple of things that you don't like and want them to stop doing; and a few things that you want them to start doing. Choose 1 in each category to start working on. Choose a time frame, maybe 3 to 6 months, to see some effort and change. Determine that at the end of that period, if things are still not working, that you consider changing the relationship, for example trial separation or something more permanent. Of course, during that time you want to communicate as much as possible, without arguing (after all what's the use in arguments at this point), about progress (or lack thereof) that you see. Progress should include improved communication and trust (two of the biggest complaints I hear from couples), improved expression of love (see my blog of 9/22/07. All You Need Is Love), and improved feelings of happiness and optimism.




If you decide to split, it should be with mutual agreement. Especially if you have kids, you want to be able to maintain a healthy co-parenting relationship. I have seen, and continue to see parents who are angry and antagonistic towards each other be unaware of the damage being done to their kids (even though it is obvious). That is very sad. A happy relationship is the best thing you can have in your life. You deserve to have it. Do what you need to do to fix yours, or find the right one.

Forgiveness, ...Easier Said Than Done? (response to comments)

Forgiveness is difficult, sometimes. I see it as being important as a means of helping to repair relationships, though that is not it's only value. The most important benefit of it is to relieve the forgiver of the burden of unnecessary anger and resentment. I say "unnecessary" because the anger no longer serves a healthy purpose for the person. Resentment requires that a person hold on to painful feelings from the past. To relive the betrayal emotionally sometimes years after it has occurred. It then interferes with other aspects of the person's life. For example, rebuilding an important relationship, or being able to trust people in similar but unrelated situations, or even the negative effects of the stress related to the angry baggage. What I wrote about in my Mental Notes ("All You Need Is Love," 9/22/07) referred to the importance of forgiveness in a loving relationship. And in response to the comments, I will focus on how to make it happen. An article that I found explains the process very well ( "How To Forgive Someone And Move On With Life" ). Basically, the author suggests separating the action from the person who did it. That way you can still express compassion for the person without accepting their offending behavior. I am not suggesting (at all) that you forget what happened. But when you focus on the person that you love, it's easier for you to appreciate that they made a mistake, which we all do; or that there may be other factors at play that were not totally under their control. This is also NOT to say that you want to leave yourself open to be mistreated again. But if they acknowledge their mistake, are sorry, and you truly believe that they will work hard not to do it again, then forgiveness can help you both. If it is something that they continue to do, then forgiveness is not likely, and you have to reconsider your involvement in the relationship. I also always suggest that if you are having too much difficulty letting go of anything from the past, then you have to look within. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to forgive yourself.

All You Need Is Love

When I say this to couples that I work with (after we've gotten to know each other), they sometimes find it hard to believe. That ALL you need is love. Any therapist worth his beans would say that in order to make a relationship work well it takes good communication (especially listening), trust, respect, understanding, compassion, good conflict resolution, affection, fun, finance management, romance, commitment, and (sometimes) forgiveness. What I mean, though, is that love makes all of those things more possible to achieve, especially forgiveness. It helps you let go of some of the baggage that can begin to weigh a relationship down, because you can focus on the love that you have for your partner, in the present. It makes you listen better, and want to understand more. Focus on expressing love in every interaction between yourself and your partner, even disagreements, and you will resolve issues easier and without the drama. You'll laugh and play more. Your home will have less stress. Love is all you need.

A Happy Marriage Helps Relieve Stress (#2 in the series on Stress Management)

It's true. And, as you probably know, a bad marriage makes stress worse. A partner who expresses their love by being appreciative of you, attentive, and considerate of your needs helps you feel more confident, and in control of your life. Too much stress makes our lives feel out of control. We need to have at least one area of our life that is predictible, safe, and where we are acknowledged as being valuable and important. Our home should be that place. When an individual that you love makes a personal commitment to loving you and sharing their life with you, it makes everything else better. Friendships are great for this reason too. However, after 'doing battle' all day in a stressful world, coming home to a loving hug helps rejuvenate you. Lets you know that the daily stresses you experience are NOT what's most important about your life. Love and happiness are. So if you are in a relationship that is not working, that's adding stress rather than relieving it, MAKE A CHANGE. Make peace. Don't take your partner for granted. Don't let things (between you two) bother you so much. Stop making the same mistakes of communication. Listen more. Forgive more. When a problem arises, act as if you are both on the same side to solve it, even if you have differing views. Pay attention to your partners' feelings, even more than their words. And acknowledge some of the good things about them (don't just keep pointing out the negatives). Show your love to your partner in everything you do with them (even when you're angry). Say 'I love you' as much as possible.