Consider Forgiveness...

I have been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately, mostly because I'm reading a book about it (Forgiveness: Theory, Research, and Practice, by M. McCullogh and others, 2001). Actually, some of the book is kind of boring (I'm reading it for continuing education credit), but it's mostly pretty interesting. So in preparing to write some of my thoughts on the subject, I reviewed some of my earlier bloggings (I'm not sure "bloggings" is a word, but "blog" just became a word itself!). And I've written about it a few times last year: "Give Peace a Chance," July 15 2007; "All You Need Is Love," Sept. 22 2007; and in my response to comments, I wrote "Forgiveness, Easier Said Than Done," Oct. 1 2007. I was not aware I had given this subject so much attention. This will not be about how to fogive, or the effect of it on relationships as these subjects are covered in my previous bloggings (sorry, I had to use that 'word' again). This is more about the effects on you, and your happiness. I will try not to repeat myself, but obviously there's more to be said on the subject of Forgiveness. Consider this...



Scientific evidence proves, no, let's say strongly suggests that forgiving others has positive effects on your health and well-being. However, there may be certain aspects of our life that are currently influenced by personal views/beliefs that were developed from situations, or information that we've received. Consciously or not, we may hold resentments, fears, even anger towards individuals, or groups of individuals who may seem to have hurt us or people we care about. We therefore try to avoid these individuals, or treat them without the care and respect that we treat others with. In worse cases, we may pass this on to our kids and cause them confusion when dealing with these people (that we may or may not know personally). Of course this is how negative stereotypes develop. Also how negative expectations of people develop, and perhaps cause us to miss out on a beneficial relationship. For example, some people hate men. And of course there are men out there who do bad things, but to project that on to all of us is going to negatively influence those relationships.



If there are certain attitudes that you hold towards others (personally known to you or not), that tend to arouse negative emotions in you, consider forgiveness as an option to relieve yourself of some of the obstacles to your happiness. As I've said before, forgiveness is not always an option. If your resentments, even anger, interfere in your life in some way(s), and the object of those feelings is not actively continuing to hurt you, then it is time to consider it. I am not suggesting that you "forgive and forget." "Forgetting" may leave you vulnerable to similar situations in the future. Forgiveness relieves a specific emotional burden, and hopefully will bring you a few steps closer to the good health, peace of mind, and happiness that you seek.

Forgiveness, ...Easier Said Than Done? (response to comments)

Forgiveness is difficult, sometimes. I see it as being important as a means of helping to repair relationships, though that is not it's only value. The most important benefit of it is to relieve the forgiver of the burden of unnecessary anger and resentment. I say "unnecessary" because the anger no longer serves a healthy purpose for the person. Resentment requires that a person hold on to painful feelings from the past. To relive the betrayal emotionally sometimes years after it has occurred. It then interferes with other aspects of the person's life. For example, rebuilding an important relationship, or being able to trust people in similar but unrelated situations, or even the negative effects of the stress related to the angry baggage. What I wrote about in my Mental Notes ("All You Need Is Love," 9/22/07) referred to the importance of forgiveness in a loving relationship. And in response to the comments, I will focus on how to make it happen. An article that I found explains the process very well ( "How To Forgive Someone And Move On With Life" ). Basically, the author suggests separating the action from the person who did it. That way you can still express compassion for the person without accepting their offending behavior. I am not suggesting (at all) that you forget what happened. But when you focus on the person that you love, it's easier for you to appreciate that they made a mistake, which we all do; or that there may be other factors at play that were not totally under their control. This is also NOT to say that you want to leave yourself open to be mistreated again. But if they acknowledge their mistake, are sorry, and you truly believe that they will work hard not to do it again, then forgiveness can help you both. If it is something that they continue to do, then forgiveness is not likely, and you have to reconsider your involvement in the relationship. I also always suggest that if you are having too much difficulty letting go of anything from the past, then you have to look within. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to forgive yourself.

Give Peace A Chance...

Yes, we should definitely get out of Iraq. War hasn't worked. Peace seems like a reasonable alternative. That applies to life in our homes, as well as inner peace. The important relationships, with our partners, our kids, friends, coworkers, sometimes do involve conflict. Too often. Resolve these conflicts peacefully. We do not need to fight with the people we care about, regardless of the 'baggage' that we carry. Let the past stay in the past. Forgive. It is also important to forgive ourselves for the failures we've lived through, for the mistakes we've made. Give up any of the guilt we feel from the past, and forgive yourself. Some of our inner conflict contributes to the conflict we go through with other people in our life. Including the people we care about, the ones we love. Love often requires forgiveness, which helps us reach the peace we deserve in our lives. Think about that. If you do not love yourself figure out why. This may be the reason for some of your self-destructive behavior. Learn to forgive the ones you love, so you can enjoy a happy peaceful relationship. If you find that you can't do either of these things, get some help with it. We've been in Iraq for almost five years now, mostly because of stubbornness. Don't make the same mistake in the relationships that are important to you. Figure it out better so you and others don't continue to get hurt. Don't allow yourself (and your family) to continue to suffer because you are too stubborn to consider another, more peaceful, loving way. Give peace, and forgiveness, a chance.