Beware Of Toxic People...

Toxic people cause toxic relationships, which are bad news for you. Bad because they are usually one-sided (their side), can be emotionally draining, and distracting from the happiness you want to have in your life (ie. too much drama). A life coach on Oprah.com describes several types, though I'm guessing there are many more. You can tell by the names she gives them, what their deal is.

• "The Blamer" constantly complains about life, and dumps his frustrations on you.



• "The Drainer" is very needy, and asks for help, guidance, suggestions, etc. to help them feel better in the moment (It would be nice if these people ever did actually take the advice you give them). It's ALL about them, ALL the time.



• "The Shamer" is really toxic. They'll put you and your ideas down, make fun of you, yell at you, and often in front of other people. They'll also try to convince you that their "feedback" is for your own good. If you walk away wondering if you're crazy, the Shamer has done her job.



• "The Discounter" challenges everything you say. They are ALWAYS right, and exhausting. When dealing with them it's often better to say nothing, and just listen.



• And then there's "the Gossip." "This person avoids intimacy by talking about others behind their back." And, as you would guess, they're also talking about you behind your back.

I would imagine that you could probably put a face on these characters. Although it's best to have as few of these people in your life as possible, you can't always get rid of them. They may be family, coworkers, bosses, even the cashier at the grocery store. If you can avoid them, do that. You can try to get them to change, but often they are not looking for, nor listening to any advice you're giving them. Now if it's a child that's toxic you may be able to exert some control over that relationship, and help eliminate their toxicity before it become too much a part of their personality. As you might imagine, these people are often unhappy in their lives, and are very capable of sharing that unhappiness with you. A friend of mine refers to some of these people as "frienemies." They act like they're your "friend," but the effect on you emotionally is that of an "enemy." My advise is to have positive people in your life. The kind of people who are encouraging, supportive, and leave you feeling better about yourself because they (directly or indirectly) acknowledge your qualities, and give you constructive feedback.

Now, if you look in the mirror and find that a "toxic" person is looking back at you, there are some things that you can do to change that. First of all, feel encouraged that you were able to notice this. Most toxic people stay in denial about the negative effects they have on people. Secondly, don't be hard on yourself, but do seek out some feedback from your friends and/or family members that you still have contact with. Finally, work on changing the bad relationship habits that you've developed, staying open to constructive feedback from those people you do feel closest to. It is difficult sometimes to make changes when the people around you, continue to treat you as if you are the same as you were. They may not notice nor trust your efforts until the changes have been seen for a while. Hang in there. It's worth it.