Peer Pressure...Good and Bad

People are influenced by social relationships starting in preschool (when your kid brings home someone else's cold). And they should be. We are social beings. If you think you can control who your child comes into contact with, you're wrong. Sure you can influence their social environment (for example, public vs. private, or religion-based school), but you will be much more effective if you teach your child how to choose healthy relationships and they know that they can come to you for help when they need it. And of course you have to BE THERE for them.

We all have a need for attention and acknowledgement, in order to feel good about ourselves. The more you give your child (especially early on), the less they'll need to get it elsewhere. They will be more confident, make better decisions, and choose peer relationships that add to their lives, rather than take away from it. I mean they will choose friends who support the kind of values that you agree with. If your child NEEDS to be accepted by others, can't make decisions well, HAS to feel like a part of something (other than your family), then they will be more likely to respond to negative peer pressure. Maybe they'll try drugs to "fit in." Maybe join a gang to "belong." Perhaps pick on other kids to feel better about themselves.

Require that your child introduce you to their friends. Get to know them. Don't overdo it though. Embarrassing your kids doesn't bring them closer, it pushes them away. Encourage your child to participate in organized sport or social activities. Help your child learn the difference between good and bad peers, then you won't have to worry about their friends pressuring them to make bad choices.


How about the social pressure we feel as adults?  We are more likely to be influenced by our friends (or media images and role models), good and bad, if we're in unhappy relationships, or are lacking confidence in our lives and life choices.  Consider the people you spend your social time with.  Do they influence you positively, or ...  For example, some friends we tend to drink more with, or spread negative gossip, or trash our spouse.  Are these friends or frienemies?  [See my posting of 4/22/2008, Beware Of Toxic People].  I'm just saying, while we're trying to protect our kids from negative peer pressure, let's also look at who we're choosing to spend our time with.

BACK-TO-SCHOOL, ARE YOU READY? (Reprinted)

          It's that time again. Seemed like a short summer, huh? When preparing to start the school year, it is important to have the clothes, and school supplies. However, it is also important to prepare your child's mindset for success. Make it a family affair. Have a family meeting (or several) to discuss yours and your child's expectations for this year, and plan to communicate daily (even if just to check in on their school day). And show them how much confidence you have in them and their work (see Focus On The Positive, 7/25/07). This is not just if you have young children. It may be more necessary for your teen (see Teenagers, ... What Can I Say? 11/9/07), and helpful for the young college student.
          You should consider developing a contract (Contract For Success, 8/2/07) with your child that includes REWARDS (lots), agreements about grades and homework (Homework, 8/21/07), and include any behavior issues that need to be focused on. Read my postings addressing peer pressure (Peer Pressure, Good and Bad, 8/15/07), and the use of video games (Video Games, ... Good And Bad, You Decide,10/28/07), to get some ideas about these issues. Of course, it is important to have a relationship with your child's teacher (Your Child, Your Teacher, and You: A Team For Success, 8/29/07).

          Be aware that their return to school will likely increase your child's stress (Managing School Stress, 8/9/07). There are a lot of educational, and social demands made on your child at this time. Even if they like school they can run into some difficulties that require your assistance. Make sure they eat right, exercise, and communicate about any concerns that arise. If your child's behavior or stress problems begin to interfere with their school performance (Oppositional Defiant Disorder, 10/18/08; Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, 6/17/08) or you get concerned about drug use, get help. Don't wait for the problem to grow out of control (When Should We Get Help, 9/5/07). Remember to be optimistic, and have high (realistic) expectations. HAVE A GOOD YEAR!

Your Child, Their Teacher, and You: A Team For School Success (Back-To-School Lesson 6)

You have to know your child's teacher, preferably before "Open School night." Definitely before they have to contact you to address a problem that arises. There are several reasons for this. Your child needs to know that you feel his school life is important enough for you to be involved; and that you KNOW what's going on in class (children occasionally mislead their parents about what's expected of them in class). If you have a relationship with the teacher you can intervene more quickly and effectively if problems arise, including being able to respond to your child if they raise an issue with you, like: "My teacher is mean, ... too strict;" or "My teacher says we don't have to study that much;" or even, "Mr. Jones says video games are good for us." The teacher should know that you are supporting her expectations, as well as knowing that you are advocating for your child when needed.

It's a good idea to have phone contact with the teacher by the second or third week of school. Make it clear to them that you want to be contacted if they have any concerns about your child's behavior or school work. Find out when is a good time to reach them if you have a concern. Unless there has been a problem, I think you don't need a face-to-face meeting until Open School Night. If a problem does arise, respond immediately, in person (if possible). Include your child, and develop a plan which includes each person's responsibility, i.e.. yours, your child's, and the teacher's. Consequences (for everyone) should be understood, though maybe not always stated. For example, if the teacher doesn't do his part, they are going to see a lot more of you, and if necessary, so will the principal. Again, you don't have to threaten them with consequences, as this may negatively influence the relationship between the teacher and your child. This is a team, and you are the coach. Sometimes more involved (when needed), usually not as involved if things are working well. Let everyone do their jobs. That's how a team works best. Remember to give them credit for the good work that they do. And, stay involved, more or less as needed.

Focus On The Positive (back-to-school lesson 1)

We've all heard the suggestion: "Catch your kid doing something right." This especially applies when helping you're child be successful in school. Too many parents focus too much on their child's mistakes. When we do that it makes their poor performance more important than their good work. They need to get more attention for the good effort they've put in. For example, if your child gets A's and B's, but also a D or an F, you have to focus on the good grades first. Those are more important for how they feel about themselves. You do have to address the poor performance, as it obviously indicates a problem. And give them appropriate consequences for their overall performance, good or bad. But if they are to be punished, please acknowledge their good work first. This helps improve their self-steem. Praise given to a child must be genuine though. Don't tell them they're good at something, if they are not. This means finding something that they are good at (even if it's not school-related).

When reprimanding your child, separate the behavior from the person. You can hate the behavior, but continue to show your child that you love them. And calling the behavior 'stupid', still demeans the child. Please do not use such words in connection with your child.

So now, before school starts, get in the practice of identifying, and praising the good things that you "catch" your child doing. They'll learn that good behavior is the best way to get your attention, instead of the negative attention that children can be so good at getting. Attention and acknowledgement is very important to kids (and adults!). Retrain them now, and yourself too.