It's Not Where You're From, It's Where You're Going.

           I heard this in a song recently. I know it may sound strange for a psychologist to suggest that you don't need to focus on your past in order to fix things in your life. I believe this is absolutely true. As you know, I do believe that we all carry some baggage. And I do sometimes explore relevant past issues with clients, to help them understand how they got to where they are. But often, rather than explore painful past events which can interfere with personal progress, we can focus on fixing things in the present and moving forward from there. One may say, "But the things that happened in my past, make me do the things I do now. They're causing me problems today." Very probably they are. And since we can't go back and change things, let's change what we're doing. Definitely things that may have happened to us as children, directly influence our current behavior, thoughts, and feelings. As children we had little or no control over what happened to us. We were powerless. Our environments (including the people around us) impacted us and our lives. As adults that has changed. We can have a lot more control over our environment, including where we work, live and play, and the people with whom we do those things. Also much more control over what we think and believe.


The idea is to break the bad habits that we've developed (I previously discuss "habits" in my previous postings, PSYCH 101: OCD, 2/21/08; and ANGER MANAGEMENT, 9/17/07). Yes, the childhood influences, often reinforced as we mature, are very strong. Habits are hard to break. But you can do it if you are highly motivated and focused (and get help if you need it).


           This applies to relationships too. Many of the couples that I work with come in focused on their past problems in the relationship (not even the current ones). I consider past problems as symptomatic of the bad relationship then (usually communication and trust issues), and suggest leaving that behind as we look forward and build towards a happier, more loving relationship. Typically some forgiveness is required in order for this to work (see my postings on forgiveness: 5/22/08, 10/1/07, and 7/15/07). The bad habits we develop with each other in relationships are often as bad (unhealthy) as bad personal habits, and may be more difficult to break. So get going, and don't look back!

Psych 101: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is the way I do therapy. Simply put, it refers to helping people by changing the way they think (cognition), and teaching them new behaviors. It works really well for a variety of conditions. People have what's called irrational thoughts, that cause them to act in a way that brings them unhappiness. For example, "I can't survive if everyone doesn't love me." Such thinking can make a person tolerate abusive treatment, get depressed because they feel unloved, or repeatedly get into superficial and painful relationships. In counseling I want to identify that thinking pattern, perhaps identify it's origin (much of this stuff starts in childhood),show them how it's not working for them currently, and encourage them to consider some other options for thinking about themselves. That's the cognitive part of CBT.

The other part is focusing on their unhealthy behaviors. In this example relationship behaviors. Having them practice different ways of interacting with important people in their life and getting a different response. Perhaps spending more time with the people who do care for them, and less involvement with people who don't show the caring, and see if it causes them to feel better. Often they'll also find that they can survive without the uncaring people, or sometimes those people change their tune once you leave them alone.

A very important part of this process is what occurs in the therapy relationship. My style is one of optimism, encouragement, focus on the client and their needs (instead of imposing my values on them), and giving them the attention and acknowledgement that they deserve. This type of relationship has a therapeutic effect. The client feels valued, and begins to feel better. More willing to take the risk of breaking old habits, and developing new healthy ones within the context of our safe relationship. CBT helps people break thinking and behavior habits that don't help them, and offers them an opportunity to develop ones that work. Ones that help them find happiness.

REMINDER: Freels Mental Health Group will be closed, on vacation(YAHOO!!) ,from Friday, August 15th until Sunday, August 24.