The Art of Parenting

Parenting is something that we are all capable of. Well, those of us who have kids. Initially it requires a focus on the wellbeing of our offspring, while guiding them to reach their potential. Our role changes as they get older. The amount of involvement parents have in their child's life when the child becomes a teen and then an adult depends on their needs, and yours. And if we don't change how we relate to our child as they age, you will possibly grow apart. Unconditional love is what motivates us to do the work required for good parenting. The parent's creativity, sustained energy, patience and motivation, and the beauty that results from communicating this love is what elevates parenting from 'just a job,' to an art form. That love needs to be communicated in EVERY interaction with our child. This not only includes expressing our joy about their successes, but showing your love by not degrading them when we are disappointed or angry at them. Even if they act like they don't need us.

You can create a loving, nurturing environment for your child by developing a strong bond with them early (or later) in life. This will help them trust and rely on your influence, and input in their life. Of course there's no handbook that tells you what to do to be the "perfect" parent. However, your unconditional love expressed through good communication (especially LISTENING), will go a long way in helping you master the art of (good) parenting.

Parents, ... Your Kids Will Follow Your Lead

This applies more so to younger children, but also to adolescents depending on how good your communication is with your teen (see my blog of 11/9/07, "Teenagers,... What Can I Say?"). People are sometimes surprised when I tell them that I work with very young children. I have frequent success helping families fix their kid's behavior problems. That would be tantrums, aggression, self-stimulation, defiance, eating problems (eg. pickiness, or refusal), bed-wetting/toilet-training, hyperactivity, school problems (once they become of age), or other problem behaviors. Actually, my experience has been that young children's behavior tends to change fairly dramatically shortly after they begin treatment. This primarily depends on the participation of the parents.


Your child's problem behavior is often in response to their effort to adjust to a new situation, the stress level in the home (or school), a need for more or different attention, their diet, or other situations in their life. Parents are typically the ones with control over the child's environment. Young children also have not yet had time for the behavior to become a habit.


So if your child's behavior needs to change, consider changing yours and see how it affects them. The approach I use (and not just with children) is ABC. 'A', for antecedent (what's happening before the behavior that may be triggering it). 'B' for the behavior. And 'C' for the consequence of the behavior, ie. what typically happens as a result of the behavior. Try changing 'A' or 'C' and the behavior is bound to change. Figuring this out can be as simple as A, B, C!

When Should We Get Help? (Final Back-To-School Lesson)

If you have implemented the Back-To-School lessons of my blog the past few weeks, without getting the results that you want, then you should call or come in. I can help you figure out how to do things differently, and let you know if therapy is necessary. You and your child are not "failures" if change doesn't occur quickly enough, or the way that you expected it to. Habits are hard to break.

When children have problems behaving in class, or are not able to get their work done, then they need help from you. Don't wait until he or she gets suspended, or until they get D's and F's on their report card. Don't wait until the teacher labels your kid as a troublemaker. Once they start treating you child as the class "problem," it is VERY hard to break them of that habit. Your child may end up with that label sticking with them year after year, no matter how hard he tries to change it. Too many parents don't bring their child in for treatment until after everyone's given up. By that time the habits have gotten stronger, and the labels have gotten worse. ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Depression. These are serious labels. At this point school personnel often start recommending medicine. PLEASE come in for an initial consultation before considering medication for your child (and before you get too attached to any of these labels). Unfortunately, there are some children who require medication to help them break some of the bad school habits that they've developed, but this should be considered only after you've really tried everything else.

The majority of the children, and adolescents that I counsel make substantial improvement in their school performance, especially if their family participates. And the younger the child is, the more quickly they respond, usually. So, my final back-to-school recommendation is this: if you need help for your child to be successful in school, GET IT!