Go Ahead, Be A Valentine! (reprinted)

As you know, I think relationships and the role of love in relationships are very important. Healthy happy relationships help keep you strong. They can actually help you live longer. A bad relationship, especially a close one, can kill ya. I've written a lot here over the past 2 years about this topic. So rather than repeat myself, I thought that I'd list the references to my previous discussions below, and encourage you to review them for Valentines Day.

1. "If You Were In Her Shoes" 1/18/09

2. "Consider Forgiveness" 5/22/08

3. " Love Is In The Air" 1/28/08

4. "Forgiveness, ... Easier Said Than Done?" 10/1/07

5. "All You Need Is Love" 9/22/07

6. "A Happy Marriage Helps Relieve Stress" 6/25/07


However for those of you who want the summarized version, I give you this (and enjoy the holiday):

Roses are red.

Violets are blue.

Today SHOW some love,

for a Happier, Healthier you.

BREAK YOUR BAD HABITS

All habits are hard to break. But we do need to keep the good ones. In fact, one of the strategies to help break bad habits is to replace them with good ones.

First a few words about bad habits.  Of course there's more than just the obvious bad ones, ie. smoking, substance abuse, excessive gambling, etc.  There are also bad relationship-habits.  For example, arguing, gossip, being the "know-it-all".  We also have thinking habits which interfere with our lives, some of which we may not even be aware of.  Fears, prejudices, obsessions, worries, etc.

I'm going to offer a definition of 'bad habit' as  any repetitive behavior or thought that interferes with your life.  That would be your health, job, relationships, peace of mind, any important aspect of your life.  And most often these behaviors/thoughts are automatic.  We often don't think about them  before doing them.

FORTUNATELY WE CAN BREAK BAD HABITS. Here's how:

1. Identify the habit, and acknowledge that it's bad, based on the effects on you and those around you.  Break your denial.

2.  Identify the triggers.  Acknowledging the connection between the trigger and the behavior/thought  gives you more control over it.  That's not enough to eliminate the behavior, but it's a start towards breaking the habit.

3.  Know that you don't necessarily have to eliminate the behavior completely to break the habit.  Some behaviors can't be eliminated, for example, you can control your overeating though you still have to eat.

4.  Make small (easier) changes that reduce the frequency of the behavior. For example, no smoking in the car, or don't assume (a thinking habit) that your teenager is being disrespectful EVERY time she/he has a different idea than you do. You'll begin to realize the success you can have controlling, and changing your habits.  Taking small steps will lead to major changes.

5. Optional:  Keep a record of how often you do the behavior.  This also helps you to control the behavior by keeping track of your gradual improvement. You get to see which triggers create greater obstacles.  Small setbacks (if they occur) won't seem so monumental.

6.  Find a positive activity to replace the bad habit.  For example, listen to your teen (or partner, or coworker) before reacting and choose a different response (don't pre-judge).  If you do have a setback, do what you can to correct it and get back on track.

7.  Enlist the support of people around you who care (family, support groups like Alcoholics Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous, etc.).

8.  REWARD YOURSELF for small successes.  This will help you stay motivated.

If your bad habits continue to get the best of you, get some help.



 

DRAMA IS A DRUG! KICK THE HABIT.

I heard this comment on a TV show last week (Mercy, on NBC). It inspired me to revisit the subject of "drama" (Read my posting of 5/6/07, Mother's Day Drama). There is too much of it, real and imagined. Don't get me wrong. Stuff happens. Sometimes situations are emotionally charged. But too many people thrive on this. Often they pull other people in. So, there is 'mild' drama, as when you make plans with friends and something (drama?) comes up with them to require that you make last minute changes in the plan. Understandable, once in a while. But often is too much.

Drama has varying levels of severity. For example, there are those people who are always in conflict (arguing with the store cashier, cursing out their doctor's secretary, hassling the paper boy), and people ending up in the ER or involved with the police, or other "emergencies." Again, everyone has things that happen. But drama queens/kings (YES, there are drama kings too!) tend to have drama all the time, either their own or some to gossip about.

I don't mean to be judging. I am TOTALLY in favor of people living their lives in a way that works for them. But drama can be disruptive, stressful, and exhausting. So, first of all try not to involve others so much in your drama (unless they're into it too, but you better check). More importantly, take a look at your life. If you're having a lot of drama, consider kicking the habit. If you are not sure if you are a drama king or queen, ask your friends. They are dying to tell you.

If you want to make some changes, consider thinking more about options before you act. Some of the relationships that you have may need to change. Limit the drama that you allow people to bring to your door. It's easy to get sucked in. Learn to relax more. And finally, find other, healthier ways to add fun and excitement to your life.

"Date Night" (part 2):How To Find A Date...

1. Be sure you want a date.

Often people think they do want someone but may not yet be resolved about a past relationship (maybe anger, trust issues, etc.). If that is the case it's going to be difficult to welcome someone new into your life. We also tend to project that ambivalence to others, making it less likely that someone will approach us. On the other hand, it's important to KNOW that you are looking for a "date" and not a spouse. You'll tend to dismiss potential dates who may not "measure up" as someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with. Even if marriage is your long term goal, get a date first. Get to know them. Then (maybe) consider their potential as a partner.

2. Visualize Mr. or Ms. Right.

The better that you can visualize the person that you want to be with, the more likely you will meet them. This is not magic (although it can certainly feel like it), it just makes sense. If you know who you're looking for, you'll more easily recognize and be motivated to connect with that person. Also, you will send out a vibe that attracts that person to you. That is, when interacting with this person you will be more relaxed and comfortable, project and invite interest (ie. smile more, make good eye contact, feel and appear to be more confident, etc), and listen better. All of this makes it more likely that you'll make a connection, with the right person.

3. Pay Attention. Make Eye Contact. Smile.


Now that you know who you're looking for, it's important to be mindful of your goal in the various social situations that you find yourself in. And just about everything you do outside of your home is in a "social situation". When you are out pay attention to the people that you come into contact with. Project confidence (even if it is an act right now). Get into the habit of making eye contact with people. And smile more. Smiles are more inviting than frowns or the impersonal ("stay away") look most of us walk around with.

You have to be patient. It will be worth the time that you have to put in to find a good date. We've all been on bad dates. They are the opposite of fun! Practice paying attention to people who notice you. Practice making eye contact, saving your smile until you feel more comfortable (and confident) sending out that kind of invitation.

4. Go Ahead And Meet People.

The bar scene is not for everyone. And you really can meet people anywhere. Let's first address the internet. I have known people who have had success with dating sites (for example, Match.com and eHarmony), or the various social networks (for example, Facebook and MySpace ). Just because they weren't around in our earlier dating days is not a good reason not to trust it. But of course, be careful. Other places to explore are bookstores (sit, read, and be seen), Starbucks,the beach (many beautiful sights out there), bowling, skating, dog parks, the mall, etc., etc.

5. Be Careful. (Don't Trust Love At First Sight

Don't fall in love too quickly. Trust your gut feelings, and pay attention to "red flags". Of course, the "right" date is going to be fun. He or she may be a good listener, seem caring, and feel good. That is a great start, but you have got to get to know them. Give yourself AT LEAST six (6) months before "falling in love." The effort that you put in now will pay off later!

"Date Night": If The Obamas Can Do It, So Can We

Michelle and Barack Obama have a date night every week. At least they try very hard to do so. Of course, if the President is visiting troops in Afghanistan, and attending high-level meetings in the Middle East one week, then they may have to reschedule. The First Lady stays pretty busy too. They both have parenting responsibilities, and do many of the other things you and I have to do. But as busy as they are, they usually find some time for each other. Date Night.

Perhaps the Obamas don't have some of the obstacles that the rest of us do. Finances, babysitters, getting reservations, or having Secret Service protection available (just kidding!). But those are things that we just have to figure out. The value of finding time to spend with your partner is priceless. We all need the opportunity for individual loving attention. The acknowledgement that we are worthwhile and appreciated that is reflected in our loved one's eyes. And it doesn't have to only be date "night." It could be date day, or weekend, or couple of hours alone. It can be breakfast out, a sporting event, or exploring some new activity. Find some time for the two of you to enjoy together, alone.

And for those of you who ask the question: "What's date night, without a date?" Well, it's an opportunity to find one. But I'll address that in a future blog posting.

You Asked For It: "If You Were In Her Shoes..."

I agree with the reader who suggested this topic, and said that "people should always consider how they would feel if the same hurtful things they do to people were done to them." And I left the "her" in the subject title (although I know that in relationships hurtful things also happen to men), because I actually hear this complaint more from the women that I work with than the men. Women in general tend to be more in touch with their emotional side than men are. And the emotion men tend to be more in touch with is anger, not so much with sadness, hurt, fear, etc. In fact some of the men that I help with anger management problems tend to get angry in situations where they should be sad, or fearful. I think it has a lot to do with avoiding the sense of vulnerability that comes with those emotions, and replacing it with the feeling of power (or in some cases, invulnerability) that can come with anger. We have good teachers, our fathers. I also believe that in a lot of ways society condones a double standard for men versus women. But you shouldn't!

So when you consider that men who do toxic things in relationships actively avoid empathy, trying to feel what their suffering partner feels, they likely aren't going to put their feet in your shoes as it may hurt too much. Then it falls on you to decide how much mistreatment you will tolerate. This is a very difficult decision for some people to make. You may have to consider children, whether or not he even acknowledges his behavior is a problem, and how committed he is to repairing the relationship or changing his behavior.


I do want to emphasize that most people are capable of having empathy, including men (yes, men are people are too). Actually it is an important ability that counselors use to effectively help people make some of the changes that they come to us for. Your partner is likely capable of understanding your feelings, but he (or she) has to want to. This is not something you can force him to do, but if they love you then it may be something he would be willing to try. It definitely can help improve communication. So let him try on your shoes. And maybe you should try on his. There are likely some things you can learn about how he feels.

Happy Birthday Martin Luther King!

CONGRATULATIONS !! President Obama