Summer Play School

Last year, in May, I posted a blog suggesting that parents use their kid's summer vacation as a time to help their child brush up on aspects of their academics or behavior that were causing them difficulty in school. It is a great idea for this summer too. Several of the families I worked with last summer on developing their "summer play school" plans saw improvement in their child's performance this school year. The initial complaint is usually that children (and parents) deserve a break from school work during the summer. Well, I think we all deserve a break from school work whenever we can get it. But, first of all, the work can be very well disguised as play. And second of all, if you don't put the time in now (during the summer break), you'll likely have to put in much more during the school year, when you actually have less time. Do this stuff even on the trips you take. Offer good enough incentives, and your child will be eager to "play school."


In addition to good incentives, I have a few other suggestions. Identify the areas of concern, for example, studying habits, organization, daydreaming, attention-seeking, hyperactivity, social skills, forgetfulness, conflict with peers or teachers, impulsivity, test taking, peer pressure etc. Next, develop play activities for your child that simulate the school situation. Role-playing is a good example. Your child can imagine being that kid that can't stay in his seat for 5 minutes. Through acting (role-play), with good enough incentives, he can prepare to perform much better when school starts. If it's 15 minutes a day, and fun (and don't forget the REWARDS), he'll break some old bad school habits and develop some new, more helpful ones. You should have several things that your child works on even though they may not be specific problems. Reading, writing, math, internet research, and any of the areas that you want them to learn new skills in, or to keep their skills fresh. Still, make it enjoyable for them. If you have to fight them to gain their participation, you have to get more creative. Fighting is not fun. Make the plans together with your young'un, even before school ends. As you're planning the summer's activities. If you need help, give me a call. (Also remember to read the "Back-To-School" Series from last summer to further prepare your child for a successful school year next year.)

Beware Of Toxic People...

Toxic people cause toxic relationships, which are bad news for you. Bad because they are usually one-sided (their side), can be emotionally draining, and distracting from the happiness you want to have in your life (ie. too much drama). A life coach on Oprah.com describes several types, though I'm guessing there are many more. You can tell by the names she gives them, what their deal is.

• "The Blamer" constantly complains about life, and dumps his frustrations on you.



• "The Drainer" is very needy, and asks for help, guidance, suggestions, etc. to help them feel better in the moment (It would be nice if these people ever did actually take the advice you give them). It's ALL about them, ALL the time.



• "The Shamer" is really toxic. They'll put you and your ideas down, make fun of you, yell at you, and often in front of other people. They'll also try to convince you that their "feedback" is for your own good. If you walk away wondering if you're crazy, the Shamer has done her job.



• "The Discounter" challenges everything you say. They are ALWAYS right, and exhausting. When dealing with them it's often better to say nothing, and just listen.



• And then there's "the Gossip." "This person avoids intimacy by talking about others behind their back." And, as you would guess, they're also talking about you behind your back.

I would imagine that you could probably put a face on these characters. Although it's best to have as few of these people in your life as possible, you can't always get rid of them. They may be family, coworkers, bosses, even the cashier at the grocery store. If you can avoid them, do that. You can try to get them to change, but often they are not looking for, nor listening to any advice you're giving them. Now if it's a child that's toxic you may be able to exert some control over that relationship, and help eliminate their toxicity before it become too much a part of their personality. As you might imagine, these people are often unhappy in their lives, and are very capable of sharing that unhappiness with you. A friend of mine refers to some of these people as "frienemies." They act like they're your "friend," but the effect on you emotionally is that of an "enemy." My advise is to have positive people in your life. The kind of people who are encouraging, supportive, and leave you feeling better about yourself because they (directly or indirectly) acknowledge your qualities, and give you constructive feedback.

Now, if you look in the mirror and find that a "toxic" person is looking back at you, there are some things that you can do to change that. First of all, feel encouraged that you were able to notice this. Most toxic people stay in denial about the negative effects they have on people. Secondly, don't be hard on yourself, but do seek out some feedback from your friends and/or family members that you still have contact with. Finally, work on changing the bad relationship habits that you've developed, staying open to constructive feedback from those people you do feel closest to. It is difficult sometimes to make changes when the people around you, continue to treat you as if you are the same as you were. They may not notice nor trust your efforts until the changes have been seen for a while. Hang in there. It's worth it.

Psych 101: PTSD (part 2)

Treatment for posttraumatic stress disorder will vary depending on the severity of the symptoms, the treatment approach of the therapist, and, of course, the motivation of the client. Sometimes medication is necessary to control incapacitating depression (anti-depressants), anxiety (anti-anxiety medicine), or thought disturbances (anti-psychotics) like paranoia, or hallucinations (for example, hearing voices or seeing things). The use of medication can be temporary, but will offer some immediate relief from the symptoms, and help the client respond better to treatment.

I use a Cognitive - Behavioral approach. It addresses the thinking (cognitive) problems that support the illness, and teaches new behaviors to use in response to the situations which trigger the symptoms. It helps if the client is able to recall and discuss the traumatic event, in order to better understand and help change the irrational thinking patterns that have developed. For example, the sense of child-like vulnerability experienced when an adult with PTSD feels threatened by things said by an angry spouse. If that person can change their mindset to include the fact that they are now an adult capable of protecting themselves, then their response to the verbal "assault" will not be as dramatic. I often use relaxation breathing as an alternate behavioral response to practice in the presence of the "trigger." In the example above, relaxation can be used to facilitate a healthier response, instead of extreme anger and perhaps violence (to protect the vulnerable "inner child"). I focus a lot on what the client presents with respect to their perception of their experience. I try to understand their experience as much as possible the way that they do, in order to develop a treatment plan that is relevant to their needs. Some therapists make the mistake of imposing their views and values on the client and prematurely move them in a direction that the person may be unable or unwilling to go. For example, it may not be necessary to explore too deeply the original trauma, causing the client to "relive" the horror and pain they've suffered. In such cases I focus more on a behavioral approach.

The client suffering from PTSD must be highly motivated in order to do the work necessary to heal. It is helpful if they have a support system, which can include friends, family, their church. Not that these people need to know the details of the individual's situation, but they can provide encouragement, reassurance, or even distraction when needed. There is a range of stress reactions. There could be "milder" reactions that would not be considered PTSD (like the anxiety reaction some people have when going to a doctor's office), which may not relate to a trauma but to a negative past experience (or experiences). These can interfere with a person's life (for example avoiding doctor's visits) , but not incapacitate them. I use a similar approach to working with these clients.

If you suffer from PTSD, or have extreme stress reactions that interfere with your life (or if your child does), get help. You do not have to live with this forever.

Psych 101: PTSD

The DSM-IV-TR describes Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) as the "the development of characteristic symptoms following ... direct personal experience of an event that involves actual or threatened death or serious injury; ... or witnessing an event that involves death, injury or threat of another person; or learning about unexpected or violent death, serious harm, or threat of death or injury experienced by a family member or other close associate. The person's response to the event must involve intense fear, helplessness or horror." The "characteristic symptoms" are 1. a reliving of the event (called a flashback); 2. avoidance of things associated with the incident, and difficulty responding to such things when having to deal with them; and 3. increased sensitivity and emotional arousal when in the presence of such reminders. These "reminders" are considered triggers, ie. they trigger the PTSD reaction.

So, just to review. PTSD is a reaction to some really bad thing that has happened to a person (or someone close to that person) earlier in their life. The stress reaction usually occurs several months after the event, but could also happen several years later. The initial event could be remembered or not. Not remembering may be because it happened when the person was too young to remember (including prenatally, as when a pregnant woman has been abused and the unborn child is affected), or because amnesia (or blocking the memory) is a symptom of the stress reaction. PTSD can include severe mood swings; self-destructive and impulsive behavior; somatic complaints (eg. stomach or headaches), feelings of helplessness, shame, guilt and hopelessness; hostility; isolation; paranoia; damaged relationships with others; personality changes. People with PTSD often suffer from depression, substance abuse, panic, agoraphobia (fear of public places) and other phobias, OCD and other anxiety disorders, and bipolar disorder. PTSD significantly interferes with the person's functioning in various areas of their life, including relationships, career, and general social functioning.

PTSD came to more popular awareness during the Vietnam War, when soldiers were coming home after experiencing the trauma of war. This is happening today as soldiers return from the war in Iraq. This illness also affects people who have suffered violent personal attack (including child abuse), torture, natural or man made disasters, automobile accidents, or have been diagnosed with a life-threatening illness.

I have found that many people are affected by significant events in their lives, that effect them with a stress reaction later, but not to the degree of someone with PTSD. People who have learned to function fairly well in spite of earlier bad experiences, but still have anxiety, or depression triggered by a current event or situation (likely in which they feel threatened). I'll talk more about that later, as well as discussing my approach to treating someone with PTSD.

TO BE CONTINUED...

EASIER-THAN-IT-LOOKS RECIPE: Mom's Pizza Spaghetti (Baked Spaghetti)

This is a recipe that my mother used to make when I was a kid growing up in the Bronx. Usually it was a Saturday meal, which could be reheated during the week. I used to love it. It's basically a baked spaghetti recipe. However, my eating habits have changed since then so, for example, I don't eat white pasta. I don't eat meat. Fortunately, reasonable substitutes for those things exist (though I'm sure using those foods in this recipe will still work for you if you like.) But I do have two products to suggest that you consider. I call them healthy alternatives.

The Myth of Tofu (Soybean Products)

I know a lot of people cringe at the thought of eating tofu or soy products. It really didn't used to taste good. Nowadays there are tofu products that do actually taste good to me, that I have been eating for years now. Many of you have heard of "Boca Burgers." Many current and former meat eaters like them as a healthy substitute for your local fastfood burger. I personally prefer Morningstar Farms products. They and others make burgers, hot dogs, chicken cutlets, sausage, ribs, cold cuts, cheese substitute ,even bratwurst. Now, I don't eat all of that stuff, but a lot of it is very good. I definitely say to try it.

I generally use whole wheat pastas, but there is another soy product I want to suggest that you try. It's called Shirataki Noodles. They are pasta shaped noodles (spaghetti, etc.) that are made from tofu. So they taste the same as pasta, especially with spaghetti sauce, except it doesn't do the diet damage that pasta (carbohydrates) does. I use whole wheat spaghetti in this recipe, but the shirataki noodles is a reasonable substitute.

This dish reheats well, and is low calorie, and low fat (unless you use ground beef, but even then it should be lean). Whole wheat is a healthy carb (the fiber is good for you). The shiratake noodles would make it lower carb, and higher protein. Enjoy it. It is easier than it looks. Let me know what you think.

MOM'S PIZZA SPAGHETTI

INGREDIENTS
1 pound Morningstar Farms Crumble (vegetarian ground beef substitute)
1 (16 ounce) jar spaghetti sauce
1 pound whole wheat spaghetti
1 cup shredded mild Cheddar cheese
1 cup low-fat shredded mozzarella cheese
2 teaspoons of oregano (and other spices are optional, depending on your taste; I like a little pepper, garlic, and basil)



DIRECTIONS


Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. In large skillet, cook crumble substitute until brown. Mix in the spices. Mix spaghetti sauce into the skillet. Reduce heat and simmer.
Meanwhile, bring a large pot of water to a boil. Mix in pasta and cook for 8 to 10 minutes or until cooked to your taste; drain.
Mix together cooked spaghetti, crumble and spices mixture, and half of both cheeses, and pour into 9x13 pan. Top with the remaining cheese and bake for 30 minutes, or until thoroughly heated and the cheese is bubbly.

Religion and Politics (Shhh...Don't Say Anything)

Right up front I'll say, that I know it's not "politically correct" to talk or write about religion or politics. I'm told that as a psychotherapist I may unduly influence people in a particular direction. Actually, I am concerned more about how much these two subjects divide people. I mean, a perfectly good evening can turn into a battleground when someone brings up either of these subjects. Unfortunately, sometimes it seems that people search for differences between themselves and others, when really we all have much more in common than not. With the celebration of holy days this week, and the election primary show we get to witness all day, everyday, they've both been on my mind. I'm going to take a chance and share my thoughts on these subjects.

My religion is love, compassion, trust, happiness and hope. These are the things I pray for, to live these things as completely as possible. My politics are peace, equality, health, prosperity, and love of this country. My vote is going to be for these things. I'm not going to vote for war, division, fear, arrogance, and dishonesty. A problem arises when people's religious beliefs, politics, and lifestyle are in conflict. I mean, saying you believe in one thing and practicing another. I understand why that happens. People have thinking and behaving habits that have developed during their lives, much of which got started in childhood. We had no control over that. Fortunately, as adults we do have control over the choices we make. When our beliefs would have us go in one direction, and our actions take us elsewhere we can develop emotional, relationship, or health problems. For example, we feel (and even say) we love someone. Then we're mean to them. Or we pray for peace, but vote for war. We say we believe that "all men (and woman) are created equal." Then we mistreat a person because they look differently, or talk differently, or even pray differently than we do. The psychologists call this cognitive dissonance , and it can hurt us.

Ok. There it is. One more thing. If you're trying to teach your children your religious beliefs, and/or political values, they're going to get a mixed message if you're not trying to live those values also. And the old parent saying about doing what I say, and not what I do... doesn't work. Especially for teenagers. To them it seems, h-y-p-o-c-r-i-t-i-c-a-l. So I don't mean to "unduly" influence you, but I do mean to give you something to think about. I trust that you'll make the choices that work for you and your family.

LET YOURSELF BE

Give yourself permission to be free. Release yourself from your own captivity.

Love yourself, and then you'll see.

You WILL be free as free can be!

Skeletons, baggage, your shadow too...

They don't have to dictate what you do.

Let it go.

Free is the sea as it slaps the open beach,

fluid, unrestricted, as the tide extends its reach.

Free is your chi when you let it breath.

Release the ties that keep you bound to your limits.

Outside of the Box is where your freedom sits.

Slavery is dead when you kill it in your head.

It will not die until you open your mind's eye,

To the possibilities in store for you as you explore.

A closet is a small dark place, hide in it. But is it safe?

Or perhaps it's a trap which confines your being.

Doesn't the box that you're living in limit your seeing

the light of your life shining within, the glow of your dreams illuminating your vision?

Freedom is creating your own bold creation.

fly high and be free, dive deep beneath the sea.

Open your life to your possibilities.

Place the wind in your sail, or beneath your wings.

Live the song in your heart, liberate your being.

And when you let it be free, isn't love the best?

You feel its thunder deep in your chest.

Unencumbered by fear, jealousy, suspicion and all the rest.

Move forward with life, let yourself be...

Love, Trust, Care, Hope.

Have the audacity to be free.