Childhood Stress (Part 2: for Teenagers)

Grown-ups are often reluctant to acknowledge that young people get stressed too. Maybe partly because grown-ups, including parents sometimes contribute to your stress. It's interesting that they can also help you relieve that stress, if they make themselves available, and listen to you without criticizing. You have to do your part, though. Learn what stresses you. For example peer pressure to do things that may not be good for you; school and tests, if you're not prepared; parents treating you like you are younger than you are, or expecting too much from you; and other things that upset you. Learn what stress does to you. It can make you sick. Make you do things without thinking them through first, or without considering the consequences (like getting into trouble). Make you mad at people that may have nothing to do with the situation. Stress can make you try to escape through drugs/alcohol or unhealthy activities. Yes, stress can be messed up. But you CAN handle it.

Before you let stress get the best of you, figure out how to handle it better. Choose your friends carefully. If you notice them bringing you down constantly or trying to pull you into situations that you know are not good for you, dump them. Take responsibility for yourself, what you say and do. Followers are more stressed. Have people in your life that you trust. They'll help you see different possible ways to deal with problems. Some parents, or other adults are good for this. Know that you are important, valuable even. So you deserve to be healthy, and happy. If you are not, DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT. Also people who think positively, are less stressed and more successful. Focus on your strengths, even though people around you may try to point out your faults. Those things that challenge you (and stress you), are opportunities for you to be stronger. You may be surprised at how good you can really be.

Childhood Stress (Part 1: for Parents)

Yes, kids do have stress. And it is important to pay attention to it for some very good reasons. Including being able to help them learn to manage it healthily. As well as helping children avoid some of the negative effects of stress, including health problems (or making health conditions worse), delinquent behavior, alcohol and drug use, poor academic performance, and other behavior problems. I would say that over 90% of the children I've treated over the past 25 years presented with problems caused or exacerbated by stress in their lives. Children react to family crises, deaths, severe illness, and other traumatic events. However, they are also effected by the stress of family conflict, peer pressure, parental rules and expectations, school work and tests, and much more. Recall the stress of our childhoods. Similar to what effects children today in society (wars, crime, etc.), amplified by the media (and 24-hour per day news reporting), computers and the Internet.

Communication with your child gives them an outlet, and an opportunity to process their thoughts and feelings with someone they trust. Learn to listen to your children starting early. Situations will stress them differently as they grow. They need to have you available to them throughout their childhood and teenage years. Otherwise, certainly by the time they're teenagers, they will look for their answers outside of the home. Look for these signs of poor stress management: tantrums or other angry outbursts, declining grades, behavior problems (at school, home or the community), frequent health problems, drug or alcohol use, bad dreams or other sleep disturbance, bed wetting. Help your child by teaching them to relax, get exercise, eat and drink right, develop diverse interests, develop good study habits, learn to consider the consequences of their behavior, be age appropriately responsible for what they do and say. Of course, if you manage your stress well, and value the importance of stress management, you will be a good role model.

Next posting: Childhood Stress (Part 2: For Teenagers)

LET'S TALK ABOUT SEX...

I was surprised when I noticed that I had written very little on this subject over the past 3 years of doing this blog. As a people, we think about it a lot (even triggered sometimes by tv commercials). We get involved in sexual fantasies and secrets. But we don't talk about it with our partners as much as we should. I don't want to generalize, but we are often reluctant to talk about it with the person we should feel closest to, and likely are (or should be) having sex with. Even in therapy sessions I find that it's difficult for people to address this subject, though it may be contributing to the problem(s) they've come in to resolve. I will sometimes teach people the words to use (and not use) to describe various aspects of sex.

Why is it important to be able to talk about sex? Well, it is an enjoyable, intimate part of a relationship. Usually the participants care about each other, and should be able to talk about any issue that involves them. It is an intense physical, and deeply emotional act, that sometimes doesn't work so well for a variety of reasons. In some cases, open and honest communication about this activity would require people to depend less on medicines, drugs, and alcohol in order to perform well. Perhaps if people were having enjoyable sex more with each other they would argue less, and cooperate more in other areas of their lives. Communicate better. Trust each other more.

My most important point here is about improving communication in a relationship, whether you are having sex or not. There are many other enjoyable aspects of happy relationships. If there are ANY areas of your relationship that cause you distress, or you are not as happy as you want (and deserve) to be, TALK ABOUT IT!

One more thing. By the time your child becomes a teenager, you should have had the "birds and bees talk." The updated version which includes a discussion of the value of abstinence, STD's, and contraception. If you can't do it, get some help with it.

EASIER-THAN-IT-LOOKS Recipe: MANGO AVOCADO SALAD

Linda says this is TOO EASY to make. And I can tell you it tastes great, especially as a healthy snack or nutritious side dish at your summer barbecue. We first tried it this past July 4th at my brother's house. His wife Lidia made it. A few days later a friend of ours, Cindy, gave us a few bags of mangoes from her mango tree. Perfect timing! Give it a try, it's easier than it looks.

MANGO AVOCADO SALAD Recipe

INGREDIENTS:

1 large Mango (skin removed), chopped pieces

1 Avocado (skin removed), chopped

1 can Hearts of Palm

1/4 cup Lime Juice

PREPARATION:

Add the ingredients together in a serving bowl. This recipe serves 2 - 4 people. Increase the ingredients to serve more people.

[Be sure to check out our Easier-Than-It-Looks Mango bread recipe (posted 9/12/08).]

Father's Day Thoughts

Another Father's Day rolls around, and I think about the many children out there who would love for their Dad to be happy about being their father. Too many children, and adults too, feel bad that their father seems to not want them nor care about them. That is a shame. Aside from the burden that it places on mother, grandparents, and other caretakers, often the child feels rejected. Like there is something wrong with them that caused dad to leave their life. Often, they grow into adults who have gone through life feeling that they are deficient in some way. Moms and the others who have taken the responsibility on themselves do a great job of compensating for the absence of a male parent. However, children need a (healthy) male role model in their lives for many reasons. Research suggests that children who have an active father (and mother) in their lives generally grow up to be healthier, ie. do better in school, get better jobs, commit less crime, use drugs less, and have healthier and happier relationships. Boys, specifically, need to learn from their father how to be a healthy male adult. Don't get me wrong. When they have to, Moms do a great job of parenting without Dads, and have for years. But the absence of a relationship with a father who is still alive has long lasting effects on the child, that have nothing to do with the mother. And if dad chooses to not be involved (hopefully, he's at least sending child support payments), it can be very helpful to have other healthy males (ie. relatives, friends, and when necessary a counselor) available to your child. Your child needs to be acknowledged and appreciated by both gender parent-figures, even in single gender parent homes.

So Happy Father's Day to those Dad's who are involved (even if you got involved late), and to you Mom's who deserve a second day of celebration if you've been doing twice the parenting job.

WHAT ARE YOU SO MAD ABOUT?

OK, so there are some good reasons to be angry. Just turn on the news. However, some people are too angry too much of the time. They seem to have an angry personality. As if nothing, and no one lives up to THEIR standards. Their kids will never get good enough grades. Their employee will never get enough work done. Their spouse has so many flaws you wonder how they could be together for so many years! People need to be more tolerant, patient, compassionate, and yes, more LOVING.


I do a lot of work with people who have anger management problems. Either they express anger too aggressively (sometimes resulting in violence); or they don't express it enough (sometimes resulting in depression). You can fix that (see my posting of 9/14/07, Anger Management). I'm concerned here with people who just seem angry at the world, and don't realize it's a problem. This can be the result of too much stress for too long. And/or depression. Maybe a sad, frustrating life. Sometimes having experienced a lot of hurt. Often they are alone, because people don't enjoy being around them. Take a real look at how you relate to people. Do they disappoint you too much? Could YOU be described as "mean" sometimes? Start today being nicer to people. You will be happier (and what have you got to lose?).


Anger is a normal emotion. Express it in a healthy way. It's best to respond to situations that trigger your anger when it happens (if possible). [REMINDER: Yelling, and demeaning the person is not a healthy way of expressing your frustration.] Then move on. Get over it! Use your anger to accomplish something productive, for example get motivated to resolve a relationship problem or fix a work situation, improve your performance (as in a game or sport).

Don't be a hater!

CONGRATULATIONS TO KARAE AND MONIQUE FOR COMPLETING THE BROAD STREET

1/2-MARATHON (in Philadelphia) THIS PAST WEEKEND!

MAKE A 'PLAN B'

I've been talking to people lately about the benefits of developing a "Plan B" as a backup to plans that they may have in place. You know, just in case things don't work out the way you would have liked for them to. It is sometimes really hard to do. We often feel that if we think about other options, then we're not having enough confidence in our "Plan A," and won't put enough energy and motivation into making that work. That we're sabotaging ourselves. No. It really is better to have as many options available to you as possible. Allow yourself to be creative, to think outside the box. When possible consider Plans A, B, and C. So if there are goals that you have, for example in personal relationships, your job and career, your family, investments, develop a backup plan, so you don't feel lost if things don't go the way you planned.

Now, I realize that this is all based on the idea that you plan at all. Perhaps I should be talking about how important it is to plan in the first place. Of course if you don't have plans, a direction, or goals then it's hard to know where you're headed. And the more you are able to visualize what you want/need to have in your life, then the more likely you are to attain that. The more we focus on past unattained goals, failures (which we've all had), or obstacles in our lives, the more we'll repeat those errors. Look forward. Make a plan, then make a back up plan (Plan B). Remember: IF YOU FAIL TO PLAN, THEN YOU PLAN TO FAIL.

CONGRATULATIONS TO THE DUKE UNIVERSITY MEN'S BASKETBALL TEAM FOR WINNING THE NCAA BASKETBALL CHAMPIONSHIP FOR 2010.