You Asked For It: "If You Were In Her Shoes..."

I agree with the reader who suggested this topic, and said that "people should always consider how they would feel if the same hurtful things they do to people were done to them." And I left the "her" in the subject title (although I know that in relationships hurtful things also happen to men), because I actually hear this complaint more from the women that I work with than the men. Women in general tend to be more in touch with their emotional side than men are. And the emotion men tend to be more in touch with is anger, not so much with sadness, hurt, fear, etc. In fact some of the men that I help with anger management problems tend to get angry in situations where they should be sad, or fearful. I think it has a lot to do with avoiding the sense of vulnerability that comes with those emotions, and replacing it with the feeling of power (or in some cases, invulnerability) that can come with anger. We have good teachers, our fathers. I also believe that in a lot of ways society condones a double standard for men versus women. But you shouldn't!

So when you consider that men who do toxic things in relationships actively avoid empathy, trying to feel what their suffering partner feels, they likely aren't going to put their feet in your shoes as it may hurt too much. Then it falls on you to decide how much mistreatment you will tolerate. This is a very difficult decision for some people to make. You may have to consider children, whether or not he even acknowledges his behavior is a problem, and how committed he is to repairing the relationship or changing his behavior.


I do want to emphasize that most people are capable of having empathy, including men (yes, men are people are too). Actually it is an important ability that counselors use to effectively help people make some of the changes that they come to us for. Your partner is likely capable of understanding your feelings, but he (or she) has to want to. This is not something you can force him to do, but if they love you then it may be something he would be willing to try. It definitely can help improve communication. So let him try on your shoes. And maybe you should try on his. There are likely some things you can learn about how he feels.

Happy Birthday Martin Luther King!

CONGRATULATIONS !! President Obama