Father's Day Thoughts

Another Father's Day rolls around, and I think about the many children out there who would love for their Dad to be happy about being their father. Too many children, and adults too, feel bad that their father seems to not want them nor care about them. That is a shame. Aside from the burden that it places on mother, grandparents, and other caretakers, often the child feels rejected. Like there is something wrong with them that caused dad to leave their life. Often, they grow into adults who have gone through life feeling that they are deficient in some way. Moms and the others who have taken the responsibility on themselves do a great job of compensating for the absence of a male parent. However, children need a (healthy) male role model in their lives for many reasons. Research suggests that children who have an active father (and mother) in their lives generally grow up to be healthier, ie. do better in school, get better jobs, commit less crime, use drugs less, and have healthier and happier relationships. Boys, specifically, need to learn from their father how to be a healthy male adult. Don't get me wrong. When they have to, Moms do a great job of parenting without Dads, and have for years. But the absence of a relationship with a father who is still alive has long lasting effects on the child, that have nothing to do with the mother. And if dad chooses to not be involved (hopefully, he's at least sending child support payments), it can be very helpful to have other healthy males (ie. relatives, friends, and when necessary a counselor) available to your child. Your child needs to be acknowledged and appreciated by both gender parent-figures, even in single gender parent homes.

So Happy Father's Day to those Dad's who are involved (even if you got involved late), and to you Mom's who deserve a second day of celebration if you've been doing twice the parenting job.

WHAT ARE YOU SO MAD ABOUT?

OK, so there are some good reasons to be angry. Just turn on the news. However, some people are too angry too much of the time. They seem to have an angry personality. As if nothing, and no one lives up to THEIR standards. Their kids will never get good enough grades. Their employee will never get enough work done. Their spouse has so many flaws you wonder how they could be together for so many years! People need to be more tolerant, patient, compassionate, and yes, more LOVING.


I do a lot of work with people who have anger management problems. Either they express anger too aggressively (sometimes resulting in violence); or they don't express it enough (sometimes resulting in depression). You can fix that (see my posting of 9/14/07, Anger Management). I'm concerned here with people who just seem angry at the world, and don't realize it's a problem. This can be the result of too much stress for too long. And/or depression. Maybe a sad, frustrating life. Sometimes having experienced a lot of hurt. Often they are alone, because people don't enjoy being around them. Take a real look at how you relate to people. Do they disappoint you too much? Could YOU be described as "mean" sometimes? Start today being nicer to people. You will be happier (and what have you got to lose?).


Anger is a normal emotion. Express it in a healthy way. It's best to respond to situations that trigger your anger when it happens (if possible). [REMINDER: Yelling, and demeaning the person is not a healthy way of expressing your frustration.] Then move on. Get over it! Use your anger to accomplish something productive, for example get motivated to resolve a relationship problem or fix a work situation, improve your performance (as in a game or sport).

Don't be a hater!

CONGRATULATIONS TO KARAE AND MONIQUE FOR COMPLETING THE BROAD STREET

1/2-MARATHON (in Philadelphia) THIS PAST WEEKEND!

MAKE A 'PLAN B'

I've been talking to people lately about the benefits of developing a "Plan B" as a backup to plans that they may have in place. You know, just in case things don't work out the way you would have liked for them to. It is sometimes really hard to do. We often feel that if we think about other options, then we're not having enough confidence in our "Plan A," and won't put enough energy and motivation into making that work. That we're sabotaging ourselves. No. It really is better to have as many options available to you as possible. Allow yourself to be creative, to think outside the box. When possible consider Plans A, B, and C. So if there are goals that you have, for example in personal relationships, your job and career, your family, investments, develop a backup plan, so you don't feel lost if things don't go the way you planned.

Now, I realize that this is all based on the idea that you plan at all. Perhaps I should be talking about how important it is to plan in the first place. Of course if you don't have plans, a direction, or goals then it's hard to know where you're headed. And the more you are able to visualize what you want/need to have in your life, then the more likely you are to attain that. The more we focus on past unattained goals, failures (which we've all had), or obstacles in our lives, the more we'll repeat those errors. Look forward. Make a plan, then make a back up plan (Plan B). Remember: IF YOU FAIL TO PLAN, THEN YOU PLAN TO FAIL.

CONGRATULATIONS TO THE DUKE UNIVERSITY MEN'S BASKETBALL TEAM FOR WINNING THE NCAA BASKETBALL CHAMPIONSHIP FOR 2010.

SLOW DOWN, ... WHAT'S THE RUSH?

"Patience is a virtue." Our parents used to say that when we were kids. Trying to get us to slow down, not to need things so immediately. It seems like many of us didn't learn from that. In fact we've even abbreviated the phrase, now it's "chill out." We rush here. We rush there. Not only do people speed around in their cars, but also can't wait until they get home to make that phone call. Or even wait to write that letter they want to send, so they're texting while they drive (read my posting of 09/16/08, Don't Text While Driving). OMG! Slow down.




Our need for immediate gratification sometimes causes us problems. We rush through relationships. People are "falling in love" before they know each other for a few months, sometimes even before they meet thanks to the internet (for more on the need for patience in relationships, read my posting of 5/11/07, Make It Through The Night, To Make It To Better Days). And we've learned a lot about the health hazards of "fast" food, and those "crash" diets. The hurried life style also contributes to a lot of anxiety. We worry so much about what's going to happen in the future that we miss out on enjoying the present. So whenever you're feeling rushed, or worried about tomorrow, take a deep breath, and acknowledge your life in the here and now. Be mindful of the good things in your life now ( see Turn Off The Lights, from 7/10/08 for more on mindfulness). In fact, don't rush off right now to do the next thing you have planned. Take a few minutes to appreciate your life. Remember: Good things come to those who wait!

Love Yourself Too (This Valentine's Day)

[Taken from Louise L. Hay's 2010 calendar: You Can Heal Your Life]


When we really love and accept and approve of ourselves exactly as we are, then everything in life works. It's as if little miracles are everywhere. Our health improves, we attract more money, our relationships become much more fulfilling, and we begin to express ourselves in creatively fulfilling ways. All this seems to happen without even trying.


Loving and approving of yourself, creating a space of safety, trusting and deserving and accepting, will create organization in your mind, create more loving relationships in your life, attract a new job and a new and better place to live, and even allow your body weight to normalize. People who love themselves and their bodies neither abuse themselves nor others.


Self-approval and self-acceptance in the now are the main keys to positive changes in every area of our lives.

HAVE A HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

(for some ideas about that go to my posting of 2/12/09, "Go Ahead Be A Valentine")

YOU ASKED FOR IT: Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

One of my readers suggested this topic, " How do you know when to end a relationship?" I'm surprised I haven't spoken on this before. I guess that's because my intention is for relationships to work out. However, sometimes they don't, and then it's time to split. Let me first say that if you are in a relationship in which you are being mistreated, and forgiveness isn't a realistic option ( see my posting of 10/1/07, Forgiveness ), you should consider ending it sooner rather than later.



Most relationships that you choose start out being fun, but too often they go bad. You do want to get to know the person as well as possible before committing yourself to them. However, as soon as you see it's not working out the way you want/need for it to you have to take action. The sooner the better. Talk about what you see happening. The two of you commit to making some changes, even if you're partner is happy with the way things are. If you are not happy in the relationship, then something is wrong that the TWO of you have to fix. You are not responsible for your partner's happiness. We are responsible for our own feelings. However you are responsible for, and have made a commitment to the relationship, and to making it work FOR BOTH OF YOU. You're both responsible, 50 - 50 (mostly), for what happens in the relationship. And you, individually, give 100% to making it work.




Many people say they've done "everything" thing they could, "tried everything," and it still doesn't work. Before splitting, try counseling. Another perspective on the relationship can help you see how you're both still contributing to the problems. Usually it's bad habits that the two of you have developed with each other, that continue to undermine your efforts. I often suggest that the couple identify 2 or 3 things about your partner that you like and want them to keep doing; a couple of things that you don't like and want them to stop doing; and a few things that you want them to start doing. Choose 1 in each category to start working on. Choose a time frame, maybe 3 to 6 months, to see some effort and change. Determine that at the end of that period, if things are still not working, that you consider changing the relationship, for example trial separation or something more permanent. Of course, during that time you want to communicate as much as possible, without arguing (after all what's the use in arguments at this point), about progress (or lack thereof) that you see. Progress should include improved communication and trust (two of the biggest complaints I hear from couples), improved expression of love (see my blog of 9/22/07. All You Need Is Love), and improved feelings of happiness and optimism.




If you decide to split, it should be with mutual agreement. Especially if you have kids, you want to be able to maintain a healthy co-parenting relationship. I have seen, and continue to see parents who are angry and antagonistic towards each other be unaware of the damage being done to their kids (even though it is obvious). That is very sad. A happy relationship is the best thing you can have in your life. You deserve to have it. Do what you need to do to fix yours, or find the right one.

NO RESOLUTIONS FOR 2010

I'm sure you're thinking that I have come up with a new way to get you to promise to do some things in 2010 that you really won't be able to do. No. I'm not. I believe that resolutions, promises you make to yourself (and sometimes others) and then usually break, are not what I want us to do this year. That has become a bad habit that we've developed, that gets triggered by the New Year. Also, I heard on the news that 35% of people make New Years resolutions (I'm sure more than that at least think about making a few), and only 8% keep them. That stinks! So I'm going to suggest, NO resolutions this year, go ahead and live your life.

I am continuing to encourage you to think (some) about the choices you make, and the short and long term effects of your actions. Of course we don't feel great about all of the decisions that we make, but make them CONSCIOUSLY. That would mean not automatically lighting a cigarette as soon as you get in the car. Think about it first. The same with having that last drink "for the road" before leaving your friends' house. It means thinking about what you're doing, when you allow your partner or your kids to talk disrespectfully to you. Also not just automatically being rude (or mean) to someone, especially someone you love.

This approach to life helps you be more responsible for your behavior. No more, "I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking." You won't have to feel like: "Wow, I gained those extra 20 pounds before I knew it." You'll know. You will also be more aware, more focused, and I think more confident as you make things happen in your life. You'll be happier with yourself, and the people that you choose to spend your time with. So I would say for 2010, to Live Your Life! Have a happy, healthy, prosperous New Year, if you choose to.

Look what we did...