DON'T ACCEPT 'LAZINESS'!

          Parents, spouses, and (believe it or not) even teachers sometimes refer to people they bring to counseling as 'lazy.' I have an immediate emotional response, but typically wait to hear their whole story before suggesting that "lazy," as a description of a person, is bogus. I mean, I interpret it as a description of their behavior. It is typically used as a demeaning label, a bad personality trait. To me it means that a person is not doing the work that's expected of them for one reason or another (including the possibility of unrealistic expectations). Those reasons are likely low motivation (ie. not a priority), anger (they don't want to do it because they're angry at you, and won't say why), not accepting of their responsibility to perform the task, or have been given the excuse that "you're lazy" and they want you to continue to take care of them. And that's your reward for allowing someone to get away with being "lazy." YOU have to do it. That's called enabling.

            Now if they come to me and are diagnosed with malingering (or labelled 'lazy'), I want to figure out why this person is not behaving responsibly and what the family or relationship dynamics are that help maintain this behavior. Sometimes it is part of a larger emotional issue, like depression. But often it is a form of communication in which the person (for example a child, or spouse) is passively expressing anger, and/or exerting some control over their life that feels controlled by someone else (like a parent, teacher, or partner). Stop giving them the excuse of laziness, and make some changes in the relationship. Listen more. Negotiate and compromise better. Offer some rewards. Often more loving attention is a valuable incentive. Becoming more controlling by trying to force them into action often has the opposite effect, that is, they get the attention (although it's negative ) but get more stuck in their noncompliant behavior. It's like you're rewarding their "laziness." Help them break this bad habit, and replace it with responsible action. You and they will be much happier.

The Art of Parenting

Parenting is something that we are all capable of. Well, those of us who have kids. Initially it requires a focus on the wellbeing of our offspring, while guiding them to reach their potential. Our role changes as they get older. The amount of involvement parents have in their child's life when the child becomes a teen and then an adult depends on their needs, and yours. And if we don't change how we relate to our child as they age, you will possibly grow apart. Unconditional love is what motivates us to do the work required for good parenting. The parent's creativity, sustained energy, patience and motivation, and the beauty that results from communicating this love is what elevates parenting from 'just a job,' to an art form. That love needs to be communicated in EVERY interaction with our child. This not only includes expressing our joy about their successes, but showing your love by not degrading them when we are disappointed or angry at them. Even if they act like they don't need us.

You can create a loving, nurturing environment for your child by developing a strong bond with them early (or later) in life. This will help them trust and rely on your influence, and input in their life. Of course there's no handbook that tells you what to do to be the "perfect" parent. However, your unconditional love expressed through good communication (especially LISTENING), will go a long way in helping you master the art of (good) parenting.

Go Ahead, Be A Valentine! (reprinted)

As you know, I think relationships and the role of love in relationships are very important. Healthy happy relationships help keep you strong. They can actually help you live longer. A bad relationship, especially a close one, can kill ya. I've written a lot here over the past 2 years about this topic. So rather than repeat myself, I thought that I'd list the references to my previous discussions below, and encourage you to review them for Valentines Day.

1. "If You Were In Her Shoes" 1/18/09

2. "Consider Forgiveness" 5/22/08

3. " Love Is In The Air" 1/28/08

4. "Forgiveness, ... Easier Said Than Done?" 10/1/07

5. "All You Need Is Love" 9/22/07

6. "A Happy Marriage Helps Relieve Stress" 6/25/07


However for those of you who want the summarized version, I give you this (and enjoy the holiday):

Roses are red.

Violets are blue.

Today SHOW some love,

for a Happier, Healthier you.

IT'S 'RESOLUTION' TIME AGAIN...

It is time for us to consider "New Year's Resolutions."  Even though many of us have gotten over the 'resolution' thing, a new year can't really start without us at least considering what we might want to do differently in 2014. 

I do think it's a good thing to periodically reflect on where we are in life.  How happy we are. Do we need to consider making some changes in order to be happier? And you don't have to wait until the new year comes around.  You should be monitoring your overall mood, and personal growth throughout the year.

The tradition is to make a list of 10 New Year's Resolutions.  That's likely a reason that many of us skip this annual tradition.  10 can be a lot, unless you're really messed up (just kidding!).  I suggest that you look at a couple of things in your life, for example, relationships (personal and professional), health (exercise and diet), what I like to call "excesses" (alcohol, drugs, food, spending, internet), spirituality.  See if there's room for improvement.  Usually there is.  Then identify a goal (for example, to exercise 3-4 times per week), and start with a baby-step (a walk on the beach on the weekend). 

That's how you do it.  Let me know if you need some help, and have a HAPPY 2014.

See my earlier postings on New Year's Resolutions: Two Thousand Eleven, 12/12/10; No Resolutions For 2010, 1/1/10; A New Year's Jingle, 12/22/08; T'was The Night After Christmas (Parts 1 and 2), 12/2/07 and 12/12 07. 

Fix Your Anger, Now

I counsel a lot of people who have anger problems, both young and old. People throw tantrums, scream and shout, break things, shoot. People get hurt. Too often your anger hurts others. Fortunately, a lot of people are sorry about how they may have hurt someone as a result of their anger. Unfortunately their regret typically doesn't cause them to do anything about changing it. Most often someone else (a partner, parent, close friend, or legal authorities) forces them to come for help. There is a lot that can be done to help you express your anger in a healthy, appropriate way, getting the message across much more effectively than when you might 'lose it.' Let me also say, that I help people who have difficulty expressing anger (and other feelings) at all. Maybe afraid of confrontation. Many of them end up getting taken advantage of, or holding it in and getting depressed. Or holding it in until you "explode." Let's look at learning to manage your anger so it works for you.

First of all anger is a normal emotion. So you have to be able to get angry, and acknowledge it. Become aware of the situations that tend to trigger your anger. A lot of people report that it comes over them suddenly, "before I know it..." If you learn the situations that trigger your anger you can be better prepared when those situations arise. Anger expression becomes a habit for us. If it's bad angry behavior, then it's a habit that you want to break (and replace with a good one!).

I teach RELAXATION BREATHING, breathing deeply into your stomach (see my posting of 3/11/11, Take A Moment, ..... BREATHE, and Youtube video), as a tool to help you break the bad habit, and learn to manage your anger the way you should. Your angry behavior typically occurs at the end of a chain of events. Some of which you may not even be aware of that contribute to it. If you are having a stressful day, or something at work triggers some anger that you can't express there, then there may be some unexpressed build-up that gets unleashed elsewhere. Or perhaps you're an angry person with a lifetime of "build-up," and certain situations more easily push you over the angry "edge." Learn as much as possible about your reactions, especially the chain of events and the triggers that provoke your anger. BREATHING at any point along that chain helps stop the build-up. At whatever point you actually feel yourself getting angry, BREATHE and redirect your energy towards an appropriate expression of your feelings, or towards a calming thought/memory (I sometimes suggest carrying around a picture of your grandchild, or a pet, something that brings an immediate smile to your face). If you are in the middle of a conflict that escalates to anger, BREATHE and it won't get out of control. You may have to leave the argument, and return to resolve it when you've gotten under better control. It is important to return to resolve it, or you can keep having the same argument over and over again.

If you are using your anger as a weapon in your relationships, or as a tool to control others, get help. If you are using your anger to avoid other feelings that make you feel vulnerable or weak (like sadness, fear) then learn to understand those feelings and yourself better. You'll feel better. Lastly, don't beat yourself up because you've developed some bad habits. There are reasons for the habits that we develop that often we had no choice about, because a lot starts in childhood. However, you are an adult now, and you DO have choices. Don't continue to choose to hurt your self and those around you by letting your anger make you "mad."

Reprinted from 2011

Other postings by me on this subject include: Communication: Learn How To Fight (5/21/12), and What Are You So Mad About (5/12/10).

 

OH, HOW RUDE!! (reprint)

How many times have you said this, or at least thought it? Too many times. Especially lately. It seems like rudeness is getting worse. Me and the wife (it's not rude to refer to her as "the wife," is it?) are having some lunch at the local Whole Foods. Not your ritzy restaurant, but you gotta eat. This woman was having a loud cell phone conversation standing a few feet away. C'mon! Our dirty looks didn't work. Without thinking too much about it, I started speaking loudly to my lovely wife. The rude woman couldn't hear who she was talking to on her phone. She huffed, and took it outside. Did she learn anything? Probably not. Did Linda and I exchange a hearty fist bump (and a good laugh)? We sure did.

I find that I have to tolerate so much rudeness nowadays. I try to find opportunities to fight back (politely). I implore you to help fight this terrible trend in our country. I do it mostly by being nice to and considerate of people, when I can. By ignoring a lot of what unmannerly, selfish people do. And then occasionally just refusing to tolerate it (like we did at Whole Foods). I was reading a Psychology Today (December, 2009) on this topic. There was a suggestion that the advances in technology are partly responsible. Cell phones, e-mail, the internet including social networks (like MySpace, and Facebook) do offer a lot more opportunities to be rude, even anonymously. But it's PEOPLE who are rude. We are responsible for our rudeness. And just because it's easier now, and so many people do it, you are not relieved of your responsibility to display good manners, be courteous, and, yes, to even be kind to your fellow human beings.

I don't care if it's your culture (to not say thank you for a door held open for you), or if it's a child (that you speak rudely to), or you think you have a good reason (to flip someone off who beeped their car horn to avoid an accident with you while you were on your cell phone or texting, and not paying attention). Be Respectful.

Remember how connected everyone felt after 9/11? Flying flags and being nice to each other. Proud to be an American. Love and brotherhood were in the air. Well the air is stinking with rudeness now. Here's an idea (I don't think it's new). Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.

One last thing: Telephone solicitors who call every Sunday evening at dinner time need to stop it. HOW RUDE!

Peer Pressure...Good and Bad

People are influenced by social relationships starting in preschool (when your kid brings home someone else's cold). And they should be. We are social beings. If you think you can control who your child comes into contact with, you're wrong. Sure you can influence their social environment (for example, public vs. private, or religion-based school), but you will be much more effective if you teach your child how to choose healthy relationships and they know that they can come to you for help when they need it. And of course you have to BE THERE for them.

We all have a need for attention and acknowledgement, in order to feel good about ourselves. The more you give your child (especially early on), the less they'll need to get it elsewhere. They will be more confident, make better decisions, and choose peer relationships that add to their lives, rather than take away from it. I mean they will choose friends who support the kind of values that you agree with. If your child NEEDS to be accepted by others, can't make decisions well, HAS to feel like a part of something (other than your family), then they will be more likely to respond to negative peer pressure. Maybe they'll try drugs to "fit in." Maybe join a gang to "belong." Perhaps pick on other kids to feel better about themselves.

Require that your child introduce you to their friends. Get to know them. Don't overdo it though. Embarrassing your kids doesn't bring them closer, it pushes them away. Encourage your child to participate in organized sport or social activities. Help your child learn the difference between good and bad peers, then you won't have to worry about their friends pressuring them to make bad choices.


How about the social pressure we feel as adults?  We are more likely to be influenced by our friends (or media images and role models), good and bad, if we're in unhappy relationships, or are lacking confidence in our lives and life choices.  Consider the people you spend your social time with.  Do they influence you positively, or ...  For example, some friends we tend to drink more with, or spread negative gossip, or trash our spouse.  Are these friends or frienemies?  [See my posting of 4/22/2008, Beware Of Toxic People].  I'm just saying, while we're trying to protect our kids from negative peer pressure, let's also look at who we're choosing to spend our time with.