Focus On The Positive (back-to-school lesson 1)

We've all heard the suggestion: "Catch your kid doing something right." This especially applies when helping you're child be successful in school. Too many parents focus too much on their child's mistakes. When we do that it makes their poor performance more important than their good work. They need to get more attention for the good effort they've put in. For example, if your child gets A's and B's, but also a D or an F, you have to focus on the good grades first. Those are more important for how they feel about themselves. You do have to address the poor performance, as it obviously indicates a problem. And give them appropriate consequences for their overall performance, good or bad. But if they are to be punished, please acknowledge their good work first. This helps improve their self-steem. Praise given to a child must be genuine though. Don't tell them they're good at something, if they are not. This means finding something that they are good at (even if it's not school-related).

When reprimanding your child, separate the behavior from the person. You can hate the behavior, but continue to show your child that you love them. And calling the behavior 'stupid', still demeans the child. Please do not use such words in connection with your child.

So now, before school starts, get in the practice of identifying, and praising the good things that you "catch" your child doing. They'll learn that good behavior is the best way to get your attention, instead of the negative attention that children can be so good at getting. Attention and acknowledgement is very important to kids (and adults!). Retrain them now, and yourself too.

Give Peace A Chance...

Yes, we should definitely get out of Iraq. War hasn't worked. Peace seems like a reasonable alternative. That applies to life in our homes, as well as inner peace. The important relationships, with our partners, our kids, friends, coworkers, sometimes do involve conflict. Too often. Resolve these conflicts peacefully. We do not need to fight with the people we care about, regardless of the 'baggage' that we carry. Let the past stay in the past. Forgive. It is also important to forgive ourselves for the failures we've lived through, for the mistakes we've made. Give up any of the guilt we feel from the past, and forgive yourself. Some of our inner conflict contributes to the conflict we go through with other people in our life. Including the people we care about, the ones we love. Love often requires forgiveness, which helps us reach the peace we deserve in our lives. Think about that. If you do not love yourself figure out why. This may be the reason for some of your self-destructive behavior. Learn to forgive the ones you love, so you can enjoy a happy peaceful relationship. If you find that you can't do either of these things, get some help with it. We've been in Iraq for almost five years now, mostly because of stubbornness. Don't make the same mistake in the relationships that are important to you. Figure it out better so you and others don't continue to get hurt. Don't allow yourself (and your family) to continue to suffer because you are too stubborn to consider another, more peaceful, loving way. Give peace, and forgiveness, a chance.

Sicko ... by Michael Moore (a mental health movie review)

You gotta see this movie! SICKO is about the healthcare system in this country, and the MANY improvements that could and should be made to make it as good as it is in other countries. Health insurance companies (which I will also refer to as 'Managed Care') in this country seem to be mostly focused on making money, while they should be more involved in insuring our health. SICKO describes how many Americans suffer two-fold. First from the illlness they may have, but then also from the stress of trying to pay for the treatment that might save your life. Especially stressfull if your health insurance company is trying not to pay for the care. It is bad enough that so many people in his country can't access health care, but when you think you're 'covered' and you are not, well that's too much!

This is a mental health issue because most people in this country also do not have mental health care coverage. This issue is not addressed so much in the movie. Actually, that could be a separate movie, because the negative impact of insufficient psychological care in this country has been evident for centuries. Though most recently the college shootings, and other such events have emphasized the lack of access to necessary mental health care in this country.

The movie helps throw light on a BIG problem in this country. As you know, I like to be able to make some suggestions about 'what to do' to fix the problems that get addressed here. See the movie. Let it stimulate your thoughts and emotions towards fixing this life or death situation with our health (including mental health!), and medical care in this country. Then you'll make the right choices about this when it comes time to vote. This effects all of us. My parents are on fixed incomes, and pay exorbitant fees for medicines, and medical care, just like yours. In most other civilized (and many third world) countries it's free. FREE!! See the movie. See what you think. Let me know.

A Happy Marriage Helps Relieve Stress (#2 in the series on Stress Management)

It's true. And, as you probably know, a bad marriage makes stress worse. A partner who expresses their love by being appreciative of you, attentive, and considerate of your needs helps you feel more confident, and in control of your life. Too much stress makes our lives feel out of control. We need to have at least one area of our life that is predictible, safe, and where we are acknowledged as being valuable and important. Our home should be that place. When an individual that you love makes a personal commitment to loving you and sharing their life with you, it makes everything else better. Friendships are great for this reason too. However, after 'doing battle' all day in a stressful world, coming home to a loving hug helps rejuvenate you. Lets you know that the daily stresses you experience are NOT what's most important about your life. Love and happiness are. So if you are in a relationship that is not working, that's adding stress rather than relieving it, MAKE A CHANGE. Make peace. Don't take your partner for granted. Don't let things (between you two) bother you so much. Stop making the same mistakes of communication. Listen more. Forgive more. When a problem arises, act as if you are both on the same side to solve it, even if you have differing views. Pay attention to your partners' feelings, even more than their words. And acknowledge some of the good things about them (don't just keep pointing out the negatives). Show your love to your partner in everything you do with them (even when you're angry). Say 'I love you' as much as possible.

I Don't Believe in Laziness...

I haven't been blogging for a few weeks now, distracted by needing to respond to my Dad's recent illness. He continues a slow recovery. Thanks to those of you who have kept him in your thoughts and prayers. Please continue to do so.

Parents, spouses, and (believe it or not) even teachers sometimes refer to people they bring to counseling as 'lazy.' I have an immediate emotional response, but typically wait to hear their whole story before suggesting that "lazy," as a description of a person, is bogus. I mean, I interpret it as a description of their behavior. It is typically used as a demeaning label, a bad personality trait. To me it means that a person is not doing the work that's expected of them for one reason or another. Those reasons are likely low motivation (ie. not a priority), anger (they don't want to do it, and won't say why), not accepting of their responsibility to perform the task, or have been given the excuse that "you're lazy" and want you to continue to take care of them. And that's your reward for allowing someone to get away with being "lazy." You have to do it. That's called enabling. Now if they come to me and are diagnosed with malingering (or labelled 'lazy'), I want to figure out why this person is not behaving responsibly and what the family or relationship dynamics are that help maintain this behavior. Sometimes it is part of a larger emotional issue, like depression. But often it is a form of communication in which the person (for example a child, or spouse) is passively expressing anger, and/or exerting some control over their life that feels controlled by someone else (like a parent, teacher, or partner). Stop giving them the excuse of laziness, and make some changes in the relationship. Listen more. Negotiate and compromise better. Offer some rewards. Often more loving attention is a valuable incentive. Becoming more controlling by trying to force them into action often has the opposite affect, that is, they get the attention (although it's negative ) but get more stuck in their noncompliant behavior. It's like you're rewarding their "laziness." Help them break this bad habit, and replace it with responsible action. You and they will be much happier.

Make It Through The Night, To Make It To Better Days...

I love the 'Grandma Song,' ("Better Days" sung by Dianne Reeves). In addition to it reminding me of my own Nana, and enjoying the music, I like the point Ms. Reeves is trying to make. Grandma is teaching her granddaughter that she must be patient in order to achieve the important things in life. In order to get to better days ahead, you may have to suffer through the night. A very important lesson for young people, but also for adults. Patience. Be patient. Especially if it is to attain something important. Even if it is not so important. Be patient while you wait in line, wait in traffic, wait for your spouse. Patience is especially important in relationships. Not just waiting for them to clean up before going out to dinner, but also in trying to get them to see things your way. Use patience while negotiating a compromise to something you two may disagree about. You have to be patient with your kids, with your parents, your friends. This will help the relationship flow more smoothly. Very important in new relationships too. Be patient and get to know the person, before diving into emotional entanglements, and premature commitments. This may be difficult for those of us who are used to not wasting a minute of our time, or may be quick tempered. Take a breath. Slowing down is healthier for us, helps us make better decisions, and helps us experience the here-and-now more completely. Which, as you know, comes and goes so quickly that we often miss out on a lot. Sometimes we have regrets about the time we missed, perhaps with loved ones. Patience is a virtue. I guess that means that it is a very good thing, a strength, especially in the world today. We rush and rush, and miss out on a lot. Whereas if we take it slow the experience is more complete, more real. Take your time to make it through the night, before rushing to get to the "better days."

Mother's Day Drama

You do not need any 'drama' on Mother's Day. I have been fortunate enough to have a good caring mother, and I want her and you to be able to relax and enjoy the day. And although it's Mother's Day, I think it's o.k. for everyone else to relax and enjoy the Day too. That means that whatever you're doing to celebrate your mother, should not be so complex, nor last-minute, or just not well thought out enough that it stresses everyone, including, most importantly on that day, YOUR MOTHER! If you're getting a gift, going out to eat, preparing a special meal, or doing something with the kids. Then shop, make the reservation, and get everything in place soon (actually, Mother's Day is next Sunday, so you should do it now). Mom, this goes for you too, if you are (yet again) going to have to arrange things. And get the kids to at least help. I think the goal is to have a day where it's understood that Mom gets taken care of by those people that she's been taking care of. So don't make your mom have to break up fights. Let her have a day where there's no arguing about anything she disagrees with. Don't make her clean up after you. You clean up after her. And Dad's take the lead on this. Bend over backwards to avoid fights, help make her day a stress-free one, and celebrate her (our Day's coming soon). Mom, you accept nothing less. It's called MOTHER'S Day for a reason. Mom's work double and triple time, 365 days a year. You have a week to prepare some celebration of her role in your life. Or, if necessary, Mom you have a week to plan a day where you celebrate the very important role that you play in your family's life. Don't let them bring you any drama on your Day.