Managing School Stress (Back-To-School Lesson 3)

If you think back you may find that school was not particularly stressful for you. If it wasn't, then probably there were at least some days, or certain grades you were in, that were more stressful than others. Whether it was the year that you had that 'bad' teacher, or the time your best friend in school moved away, or the week that your sibling was sick and you worried a lot ending up with poor grades and getting into trouble (and nobody knew why). Normal events. Now throw in the occasional fear that the class bully might somehow find his way to you, or the worry that the air raid siren (today's "school lockdown" rehearsal) might really mean that we are under attack. Especially since there was typically no explanation (by anyone) why, who,nor how we would be attacked. But I somehow felt safer hiding under my desk, and felt joyous, breathing a sigh of relief when the "all clear" signal sounded.

There is no doubt that there are many aspects of going to school daily that can cause your child stress. Most kids (now and then) roll with the punches. They deal with the situation and move on. How can you tell when your child is having difficulty managing school-related stress? Well, sometimes you can and sometimes you can't (until big problems develop; see my blog postings in April on Childhood Stress). If your relationship with your child is strong enough then you likely know what areas your child struggles with. But if your kid is getting into trouble, having problems maintaining his grades, is angry much of the time (especially after school), is getting sick, or talking about reasons not to go to school, then they are not handling their school stress well. And yelling at them, or punishing them can make the problem worse. Or you can help fix the problem, and prevent future problems.

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I would say that the most important stress management tool that your child can have is a loving relationship with you. Your child will feel more secure, more confident, and see you as a resource to get help when they need it. Rather than avoid you because you blame them. Very important also is good nutrition and exercise. Breakfast is necessary. Cut down on fast foods, sweets, and white carbs (pizza, donuts, pasta, etc.). And they need regular physical exercise. Not the virtual exercise kids get playing football or basketball video games. Overweight kids tend to have more stressful school lives. Help your child learn problem-solving skills, and conflict resolution strategies. Of course, they learn best from good role models. Teach them to be optimistic, to think positively, and of the value of hard work. Also teach them what stress is, how it effects them, and how to manage it better. And finally, make your home a place for him to look forward to being, rather than a place to avoid. Manage the stress in your home so it can be a place that your children (and you) can get rejuvenated, feel safe, and feel loved.

Contract For Success (Back-To-School lesson 2)

You and your child should plan the upcoming school year. Discuss your expectations of each other, and make an agreement, a contract, describing what you will both do to make this a successful school year. This should include realistic goals regarding grades, homework and study time, bedtime on school nights, and as many other school related concerns as is necessary. Special attention should be paid to areas in which there were problems last year. It may be helpful to develop a contract that focuses on one particular problem area. The agreement should include rewards that you will give for them meeting their goals. I'm big on rewards. I know a lot of parents feel that we shouldn't have to pay our kids for doing what they're supposed to do anyway. But, rewards help a LOT. They don't have to be expensive. Allowance, a special meal or outing, something meaningful to your child that they wouldn't get otherwise. Also include negative consequences that are appropriate if your child doesn't make the effort that they've agreed to.

Some parents are much heavier on the punishments than the rewards. Be careful that you are not. In fact, if the teacher is giving a punishment for some misbehavior at school, you don't have to add another one at home. Even though you have a contract, it's important to remember that this is your child, who makes mistakes (like all of us). It's important to be consistent, but be flexible when necessary. Focus on their successes.

Focus On The Positive (back-to-school lesson 1)

We've all heard the suggestion: "Catch your kid doing something right." This especially applies when helping you're child be successful in school. Too many parents focus too much on their child's mistakes. When we do that it makes their poor performance more important than their good work. They need to get more attention for the good effort they've put in. For example, if your child gets A's and B's, but also a D or an F, you have to focus on the good grades first. Those are more important for how they feel about themselves. You do have to address the poor performance, as it obviously indicates a problem. And give them appropriate consequences for their overall performance, good or bad. But if they are to be punished, please acknowledge their good work first. This helps improve their self-steem. Praise given to a child must be genuine though. Don't tell them they're good at something, if they are not. This means finding something that they are good at (even if it's not school-related).

When reprimanding your child, separate the behavior from the person. You can hate the behavior, but continue to show your child that you love them. And calling the behavior 'stupid', still demeans the child. Please do not use such words in connection with your child.

So now, before school starts, get in the practice of identifying, and praising the good things that you "catch" your child doing. They'll learn that good behavior is the best way to get your attention, instead of the negative attention that children can be so good at getting. Attention and acknowledgement is very important to kids (and adults!). Retrain them now, and yourself too.

Give Peace A Chance...

Yes, we should definitely get out of Iraq. War hasn't worked. Peace seems like a reasonable alternative. That applies to life in our homes, as well as inner peace. The important relationships, with our partners, our kids, friends, coworkers, sometimes do involve conflict. Too often. Resolve these conflicts peacefully. We do not need to fight with the people we care about, regardless of the 'baggage' that we carry. Let the past stay in the past. Forgive. It is also important to forgive ourselves for the failures we've lived through, for the mistakes we've made. Give up any of the guilt we feel from the past, and forgive yourself. Some of our inner conflict contributes to the conflict we go through with other people in our life. Including the people we care about, the ones we love. Love often requires forgiveness, which helps us reach the peace we deserve in our lives. Think about that. If you do not love yourself figure out why. This may be the reason for some of your self-destructive behavior. Learn to forgive the ones you love, so you can enjoy a happy peaceful relationship. If you find that you can't do either of these things, get some help with it. We've been in Iraq for almost five years now, mostly because of stubbornness. Don't make the same mistake in the relationships that are important to you. Figure it out better so you and others don't continue to get hurt. Don't allow yourself (and your family) to continue to suffer because you are too stubborn to consider another, more peaceful, loving way. Give peace, and forgiveness, a chance.

Sicko ... by Michael Moore (a mental health movie review)

You gotta see this movie! SICKO is about the healthcare system in this country, and the MANY improvements that could and should be made to make it as good as it is in other countries. Health insurance companies (which I will also refer to as 'Managed Care') in this country seem to be mostly focused on making money, while they should be more involved in insuring our health. SICKO describes how many Americans suffer two-fold. First from the illlness they may have, but then also from the stress of trying to pay for the treatment that might save your life. Especially stressfull if your health insurance company is trying not to pay for the care. It is bad enough that so many people in his country can't access health care, but when you think you're 'covered' and you are not, well that's too much!

This is a mental health issue because most people in this country also do not have mental health care coverage. This issue is not addressed so much in the movie. Actually, that could be a separate movie, because the negative impact of insufficient psychological care in this country has been evident for centuries. Though most recently the college shootings, and other such events have emphasized the lack of access to necessary mental health care in this country.

The movie helps throw light on a BIG problem in this country. As you know, I like to be able to make some suggestions about 'what to do' to fix the problems that get addressed here. See the movie. Let it stimulate your thoughts and emotions towards fixing this life or death situation with our health (including mental health!), and medical care in this country. Then you'll make the right choices about this when it comes time to vote. This effects all of us. My parents are on fixed incomes, and pay exorbitant fees for medicines, and medical care, just like yours. In most other civilized (and many third world) countries it's free. FREE!! See the movie. See what you think. Let me know.

A Happy Marriage Helps Relieve Stress (#2 in the series on Stress Management)

It's true. And, as you probably know, a bad marriage makes stress worse. A partner who expresses their love by being appreciative of you, attentive, and considerate of your needs helps you feel more confident, and in control of your life. Too much stress makes our lives feel out of control. We need to have at least one area of our life that is predictible, safe, and where we are acknowledged as being valuable and important. Our home should be that place. When an individual that you love makes a personal commitment to loving you and sharing their life with you, it makes everything else better. Friendships are great for this reason too. However, after 'doing battle' all day in a stressful world, coming home to a loving hug helps rejuvenate you. Lets you know that the daily stresses you experience are NOT what's most important about your life. Love and happiness are. So if you are in a relationship that is not working, that's adding stress rather than relieving it, MAKE A CHANGE. Make peace. Don't take your partner for granted. Don't let things (between you two) bother you so much. Stop making the same mistakes of communication. Listen more. Forgive more. When a problem arises, act as if you are both on the same side to solve it, even if you have differing views. Pay attention to your partners' feelings, even more than their words. And acknowledge some of the good things about them (don't just keep pointing out the negatives). Show your love to your partner in everything you do with them (even when you're angry). Say 'I love you' as much as possible.

I Don't Believe in Laziness...

I haven't been blogging for a few weeks now, distracted by needing to respond to my Dad's recent illness. He continues a slow recovery. Thanks to those of you who have kept him in your thoughts and prayers. Please continue to do so.

Parents, spouses, and (believe it or not) even teachers sometimes refer to people they bring to counseling as 'lazy.' I have an immediate emotional response, but typically wait to hear their whole story before suggesting that "lazy," as a description of a person, is bogus. I mean, I interpret it as a description of their behavior. It is typically used as a demeaning label, a bad personality trait. To me it means that a person is not doing the work that's expected of them for one reason or another. Those reasons are likely low motivation (ie. not a priority), anger (they don't want to do it, and won't say why), not accepting of their responsibility to perform the task, or have been given the excuse that "you're lazy" and want you to continue to take care of them. And that's your reward for allowing someone to get away with being "lazy." You have to do it. That's called enabling. Now if they come to me and are diagnosed with malingering (or labelled 'lazy'), I want to figure out why this person is not behaving responsibly and what the family or relationship dynamics are that help maintain this behavior. Sometimes it is part of a larger emotional issue, like depression. But often it is a form of communication in which the person (for example a child, or spouse) is passively expressing anger, and/or exerting some control over their life that feels controlled by someone else (like a parent, teacher, or partner). Stop giving them the excuse of laziness, and make some changes in the relationship. Listen more. Negotiate and compromise better. Offer some rewards. Often more loving attention is a valuable incentive. Becoming more controlling by trying to force them into action often has the opposite affect, that is, they get the attention (although it's negative ) but get more stuck in their noncompliant behavior. It's like you're rewarding their "laziness." Help them break this bad habit, and replace it with responsible action. You and they will be much happier.