Summer "School" (reposted)

There are so many ways to make this an enriching summer for your kids, it's not funny. But you can relax and have fun with it. I have written about this before (see my postings: Summer Play School, 5/11/08; School's Out Soon, What To Do, 5/20/07), that you can use the summer months off from school to help your child learn some things that they didn't get during the normal school year. This can include practice or remedial work in specific school subjects that they didn't do well in (or even moving ahead academically in preparation for the upcoming school year). You can help them learn behavioral skills, like organization, study skills, impulse control, focus and concentration. You can help them improve their social/emotional development, IE. anger management, personal responsibility, empathy, self-esteem, unresolved grief work. And even though these are serious concerns, they (and you) can have fun with it. I develop these types of plans with families that I work with. But you can do it on your own. Get creative. Be patient.


Teenagers can be the most difficult to "trick" into learning something you want them to learn. It is best to collaborate with them on their personal growth "project." They'll appreciate you respecting their input, and be less inclined to fight you on it. In fact, you can let them take the lead, after you agree on the goals. This also gives you an opportunity to improve communication between you two, without the additional stress of school (IE. school expectations and responsibilities). Pre-teens and younger children can be easier, as "play" is a primary mode of functioning for them. You will be more effective gaining their participation if it's in play mode. For young and old children, rewards that are meaningful TO THEM will facilitate your success.



By the end of the summer, be sure to acknowledge your child's efforts, emphasizing the progress they've made. Celebrate them. Then develop the goals, plans and rewards for the upcoming school year. The time and energy that you put into it beforehand will help minimize the frustrations that you both experience during the year. The summer break should be a time away from the demands of school for you and your child. It is also an opportunity for you both.

It's SAD,... But It Can Be Fixed.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) effects quite a few people at this time of the year. Such people often have symptoms of depression that seem to be triggered by the late fall and winter seasons. This is especially people who live in the northern climates, and are effected by the colder weather, shorter days, longer nights, and overall less sunshine. Often people who have relocated to sunnier climates continue to be effected by SAD at this time of the year. Symptoms typically include withdrawal and isolation (the bad weather makes it easier to stay in a lot), depression, negative and pessimistic thinking, no enjoyment in life, excessive sleeping and/or insomnia, decreased romantic interest. Sometimes it gets so bad the person is unable to function and care for themselves. Then by springtime, it all gets better.

People also suffer from SAD at other times of the year. This could be determined by seasonal changes in a person's life growing up. For example, if you spent the summer in a stressful environment growing up, the distressing feelings can return at that time of the year. Or the feelings related to a tragedy, or significant loss that occurred can be "relived" at that particular time of the year. Also the symptoms can be different. Some people report feeling manicky ('hyper', obsessive, grandiose or rapid thinking, increased gambling or drug/alcohol use, pursuit of superficial relationships, excessive spending ). If you experience such symptoms to the extent that they interfere with your life (and it can get pretty bad, sometimes requiring hospitalization), i.e. your relationships, job, overall happiness, then you do need to fix it.

Light therapy is recommended as a treatment based on the theory that the decreased exposure to light in the winter influences certain brain chemicals that trigger depression. Even exposure to increased sunlight (like at the beach) can be helpful. I often suggest that people try St. John's Wort, which is an herb used to treat mild to moderate depression, and symptoms of stress. Some have had good success taking this in tea, or pill form. Psychotherapy helps, as may medication. To "fix it" long term, you should consider some lifestyle changes. Preparing for that time of the year (winter or other times) is very helpful. Try to reduce your overall stress levels at that time; have supportive people and relationships in your life; exercise; plan enjoyable activities; be aware of early signs rather than waiting until you're in the middle of a depression before taking action. Don't miss out on the happiness that you deserve, and is so important in our lives, not even for a few months.

The MARRIAGE REPAIR KIT Book (Excerpt)

PROLOGUE

EVAN AND PAT (these are fictional characters)

Evan is 47 years old.  Pat is 44. They've been married for 12 years, after having lived together for 5 years (together a total of 17 years). Both agree that the last 3 years have been the worst of their lives.  Certainly the worst 3 years of their marriage.

They've been discussing separation and divorce.  Evan wants a "trial" separation.  Pat says if they separate, they should divorce.

Pat says that Evan is mean and verbally aggressive when they argue.  That it has gotten worse in the past 6 months.  Sometimes Pat feels physically threatened.  Evan has never hit Pat, and adamantly denies ever considering it.  Says it would never happen.

Evan accuses Pat of being "too sensitive" lately, too emotionally needy.  That Pat shuts down when Evan is trying to "communicate".  Both say they love each other, but are no longer "in love".  Pat also feels that Evan is having an "emotional affair" with a coworker, and Pat brings this up when they argue.  Pat saw some messages in Evan's Facebook Messaging that were suspicious.  Evan denies any infidelity; and is resentful of Pat's invasion of Evan's privacy.

Pat found this Marriage Repair Kit on-line.  They agreed to give it a try.

If you or someone that you care about could use some help fixing their relationship, then you should get (My first Ebook) The MARRIAGE REPAIR KIT Book.  Purchase it today  for $4.99 by going to :  http://www.e-junkie.com/300512

 

ACTUALIZE YOUR DREAMS

Unfortunately many of us have given up on our dreams. Not only our dreams, but we've stopped dreaming. While growing up most of us had ideas about what would make us happy. We dreamt.  Many of the dreams we had as kids may not be appropriate for us now as adults. But we still deserve to be happy.

Take time now to assess how happy you are in your life and how happy you would like to be. Identify what you would like to have in your life that would help you achieve your happiness. Be specific. Identify the types of family and personal relationships you would like to have in your life. What would you like to be doing for work? For play? Where would you want to be living? What do you want your health to be like? Where do you want to be spiritually?

Write this stuff down, and don't limit yourself. Dream.

These dreams become achievable goals once you start working towards them. So, for example, you will begin to form the relationships you really want rather than feeling stuck in relationships that are not working for you. You will be more aware of how and what you eat. You will be more conscious of your habits, the ones you plan to keep, and those you need to break.  You can determine if exercise fits into your plans. You will be more aware of possible job opportunities that you might even enjoy.

This process helps you focus your life activities towards reaching your goals. Towards fulfilling your dreams. Now is the best time to figure out where you're headed.

Communication: Learn How To Fight (reprinted)

Resolving conflict safely is key to maintaining a happy healthy relationship. It is not so easy sometimes. Your partner may not understand what you're trying to say. Your teen may not want to hear it.  And  you may not feel like having the same argument YET AGAIN!  Don't do it. Try these suggestions (adapted from www.About.com).

1.Stay Focused. Stay on the topic in the present. Don't bring up old issues or future possibilities. That will distract you from the issue at hand, and makes the discussion more stressful.

2. Listen carefully. We often think we're listening when really we're waiting for them to finish so we can say what we want to say. Try to really pay attention to what your partner (or child) is saying. Show them that you understand by repeating back to them what you heard. Have them do that too. That way you can be sure you're both on the same page.   Also don't interrupt, and don't get defensive. 

3.Try to see their point of view.  Try to see the other person's side of things, even if you feel they're wrong.  Look for what might be true in what they're saying, that can be good information for you.  They'll also be more open to understanding your side of things.

4. Respond to criticism with empathy. Criticism is hard to hear sometimes.  It's often exaggerated or colored by the other person’s emotions. Listen for the other person’s pain or fears, and respond with empathy for their feelings.  Consider their feelings in how you respond to them.

5. Own what's yours. Both participants usually share some responsibility for the conflict.  Admit when you're wrong.  It diffuses the situation, sets a good example, and shows maturity.  Often the other person will do the same.

6. Use "I" messages. Rather than blaming the other person for your feelings, begin statements with
"I", and make them about yourself and your feelings.  Rather than "You make me mad." Try "I feel frustrated when you do that." They'll feel less attacked, less defensive and more cooperative. 

7. Look for compromise. Instead of trying to "win" the argument, look for solutions that meets both parties' needs.  Healthy communication involves finding a solution that both sides can be happy with.

8. Take a time-out.  If you see the discussion turning into a heated argument, take a break to cool off.  But you have to get back to the discussion to resolve it, so you're not having the same argument repeatedly.

9. Don't give up. This one should have been first.  If you care about the person you're disagreeing with don't give up on them (nor yourself). Good communication makes better relationships, and good relationships are fun.

10. Ask for help if you need it.  If you guys aren't getting anywhere., or if you or your partner have trouble staying respectful (or have anger management issues),  see a therapist.  He can help you develop good communication skills, and help remove obstacles that you may not be aware of.

Remember: You don't have to attend every argument you're invited to.

MAKE ROOM FOR OPTIMISM

I have written about optimism and positive thinking before (see How About A Little More Positivity...1/1/11; When Life Gives You Lemons, 8/28/08; The Glass Is Not Empty, 3/11/08), so I'll try not to be repetitive.  However there are some subjects that need to be revisited from time to time.  If we don't take a few minutes to reflect on certain ideas, they can easily be lost.  In the case of positive thinking it seems there's a lot of things fighting against it DAILY!  Not only in our personal lives, but all around us.  And the media and internet often treats negativity and the sad events in the world like entertainment.  Serving it up to us 24/7/365.


You have got to make room for optimism, or you can't help but get depressed.  We need to find things to smile about, that make us feel good. things that make all of our hard work living from day-to-day, worth it.  I don't mean to live in denial.  Yes, there is bad stuff going on in the world.  Force yourself to acknowledge the good things in your life also.  Allow yourself to expect good outcomes, and you'll have more of them.  It's not magic (though it can feel magical).


When you are optimistic you are happier.  You tend to consider more choices as possible, and thereby have more successes.  And it's not that you're making things up to be positive about, there are actual things in the world, in your life, to be positive about.  So make room for it.

It's Not Where You're From, It's Where You're Going.

           I heard this in a song recently. I know it may sound strange for a psychologist to suggest that you don't need to focus on your past in order to fix things in your life. I believe this is absolutely true. As you know, I do believe that we all carry some baggage. And I do sometimes explore relevant past issues with clients, to help them understand how they got to where they are. But often, rather than explore painful past events which can interfere with personal progress, we can focus on fixing things in the present and moving forward from there. One may say, "But the things that happened in my past, make me do the things I do now. They're causing me problems today." Very probably they are. And since we can't go back and change things, let's change what we're doing. Definitely things that may have happened to us as children, directly influence our current behavior, thoughts, and feelings. As children we had little or no control over what happened to us. We were powerless. Our environments (including the people around us) impacted us and our lives. As adults that has changed. We can have a lot more control over our environment, including where we work, live and play, and the people with whom we do those things. Also much more control over what we think and believe.


The idea is to break the bad habits that we've developed (I previously discuss "habits" in my previous postings, PSYCH 101: OCD, 2/21/08; and ANGER MANAGEMENT, 9/17/07). Yes, the childhood influences, often reinforced as we mature, are very strong. Habits are hard to break. But you can do it if you are highly motivated and focused (and get help if you need it).


           This applies to relationships too. Many of the couples that I work with come in focused on their past problems in the relationship (not even the current ones). I consider past problems as symptomatic of the bad relationship then (usually communication and trust issues), and suggest leaving that behind as we look forward and build towards a happier, more loving relationship. Typically some forgiveness is required in order for this to work (see my postings on forgiveness: 5/22/08, 10/1/07, and 7/15/07). The bad habits we develop with each other in relationships are often as bad (unhealthy) as bad personal habits, and may be more difficult to break. So get going, and don't look back!

Take A Moment, ... BREATHE (And RELAX)!

Take a minute, now while you're reading this, to take a breath. Slowly into your stomach. Your lungs extend down about to your navel, so to fill them with air you expand your stomach. This type of breathing is different than how we usually breathe. What I call Relaxation Breathing (more formally called diaphragmatic breathing), fills your lungs causing them to expand. Breathe slowly and deeply into your stomach. You push your belly out when you inhale, and then flatten it as you exhale (pushing the air out out of your lungs). This type of breathing forces your body to relax.

I do this as often as possible, because I, like most people don't usually use our lungs much when we breathe. I recommend it to people whenever I can. It helps counteract the effects of stress. I mean, it slows down your heart rate, lowers your blood pressure, gets more oxygen to your brain, and generally improves your health. This Relaxation Breathing helps you control anxiety (and anxiety attacks), get to sleep, manage your anger better, improve focus and concentration, get rid of headaches and helps fix the symptoms of some of those more serious stress related ailments (including obsessive thinking, irritable bowel syndrome, ulcers, hypertension, pain, ADHD, and more).

It seems to me to be one of the simplest things to do to improve your health, and your life. But you have to practice it. I know you breathe all the time (hopefully), but daily stress causes us to restrict our breathing. Notice how an infant breathes when asleep, as if their whole body is expanding and contracting. This is how we all started out. Try it whenever you can. It's one of those easy things like drinking water (to clean out body toxins) and walking (exercise) that there really is no excuse for not doing. Go ahead, BREATHE. And if you happen to yawn afterwards, that's your body thanking you!

Here is a video demonstration:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gSjHha1fgF0&feature=email

REPAIR YOUR MARRIAGE

First thing you have to know is that you can't do it by yourself. For this Marriage Repair plan to work your partner HAS to participate. Just like they did in helping you get to this point. It would also help (a lot) if you still love each other.

1. Establish a time frame within which each of you agree to work hard to fix the marriage. 3, 6, 12 months. Whatever works best for you. Of course you'll monitor progress during that time.

2. No arguing. It's Ok to disagree. But discuss, and not fight. End the discussion if it looks to be turning into a fight.  Revisit and resolve the problem at a less heated time.

3. You both identify 3 things: (1)what you like that your partner does and want them to keep doing, (2) what you want them to do more of, and   (3) what you want them to do less of. Then do what your partner asks.

4. Commit 100% to the plan.

5. Give each other the benefit of the doubt. Assume each other is trying their best, even when it feels like you're trying harder.

6. IMPROVE COMMUNICATION. Yes, this is the most important part of your plan. It may be the most difficult. Not arguing will help. Listen, listen, listen. Repeat back to your partner what you heard them say before you respond.

7. No mind-reading. Even though you "know" what they're thinking. This will give them room to change.

8. Overdo the attention, affection, and appreciation. Say 'thank you' more. Say 'I love you' more. Even if you have to fake it until you feel it.

9. Date night (or day) at least once a week. This helps remind you of how much you can enjoy each other.

10. BE PATIENT WITH EACH OTHER.


SPECIAL NOTE: Passionate, loving, mutually satisfying sex can help facilitate the relationship repair.

It's always best to be focused on the present, and on your happiness moving forward. Leave the past behind, and consider forgiveness (for yourself and your partner) as needed.


Please feel free to comment, or ask questions here or on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/pages/Freels-Mental-Health-Group/155186571209581. 


Also with Valentines Day coming (February 14th), you'll want to get started on your repair work.  Just sayin'...


　

　

IF I WERE TO SUGGEST RESOLUTIONS FOR 2015...

     I would keep in mind that most New Years resolutions last as long as the first time we get confronted with actually making the change.  So, maybe stop smoking, until you "really" need one.  Or start exercising, until you "just don't have the time".  But I do think that EVERYBODY can take a small first step towards changing their bad habits, or developing new good ones.  And the beginning of the year is as good a time as any to get started.

     So here we go.  Remember: baby steps.  Here's a few New Years resolutions for you to choose from.  At least one...
1.  I will be more conscious of my habits, and their consequences regarding my relationships, health, and work.

2.  I will proactively manage my stress better, and get help if I need it BEFORE it's too late.

3.  I will be sure to show the people who I love that I do, by how I treat them. 

4.  I will learn more about what I eat, and take steps to improve my diet.  To eat healthier.

5.  I will drink more water.

6.  I will exercise.

7.  I will control my anger, including apologizing to anyone who's been negatively impacted by it.

8.  I will consider forgiveness (even if I won't ever forget).

9.  I will worry less.

10.  I will make an ongoing effort to consider the POSITIVE possibilities  in all situations that I'm involved in.

I am sure that you've come up with some of your own.  If you have or haven't, consider the ones listed here.  Our goal is a happy, healthy, more compassionate 2015.

5 MORE TRICKS TO HELP MANAGE JOB STRESS (continued)

As you know, stress effects us daily.  Job stress is different because we choose to go to work, usually because we have to, so we just get used to the personal demands of the job.  We expect it, anticipate it.  So sometimes it surprises us when we start having the ill effects of this daily grind.  It effects our health.  Our relationships.  Our overall happiness.  Here's a few more ways to control that stress.

6.  GET A LIFE OUTSIDE OF WORK. Our jobs often tend to  extend beyond the normal work hours.  In addition to taking work home, we can also think (or worry) about it when we're not there. Also (hopefully) taking time to recover from the exhaustion that's caused by a stressful job.  Our lives can tend to revolve around our work.  However, if our whole life is our job, and that job isn't very enjoyable, then our whole life isn't enjoyable.  Develop other interests.  Hang out with friends. Pay attention to your partner (date night?).  Go out with your family.  Exercise.  Then you have other things to think about, and to do.  Something to look forward to after work. This will help reduce your overall stress, including your work stress.

7.  LET A PICTURE MAKE YOU SMILE.  Either on your desk, or in your pocket (or in your phone), have a picture that's guaranteed to make you smile.  Baby pictures work well, or a pet, or a beautiful memory.  When your frustration is building at work, or disappointments are mounting up, take a look at the picture.  Let it make you feel good, as well as remind you of the REALLY important things in your life.

8.  DON'T BUY INTO THE NEGATIVITY OF OTHERS.  This is not always easy.  Especially if you are already stressed, not really happy at the time (for your own reasons).  You may readily engage in their negativity to help rationalize your distress.  Let toxic coworkers know not to bring you their drama, their complaints, their gossip.  It may be difficult at first to set boundaries for them, and you may lose them as work compadres (aka frienemies), but you'll be better off.

9.  STOP SEEING YOURSELF AS STUCK IN A "DEAD END" JOB.  Develop a different perspective of the job, and of yourself in the job. The way you characterize your job exists in your head.  You are in control of what goes on in there (though it may not feel like it sometimes).  If your job is getting you down, realize that you are allowing that to happen.  Take action.  Acknowledge it as the challenge that it is, then rise to meet the challenge.  Focus on the opportunities to be successful, and take pride in your ability to overcome obstacles even in the worst situations.  Even though you may not like the job, it's always better when you feel good about yourself.

10.  DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF.  And there is so much "small stuff" that if you aren't careful, it will build up and wear you out. That's called BURNOUT.  So be mindful that the big things, for example a possible layoff, poor work evaluation, or an impending promotion, deserve your attention.  The small stuff may require a certain amount of work to resolve, but does not deserve your sweat, or worry, or stress.  So deal with it and forget it.  Move on.  You will do a better job, and you will feel better.

10 Tricks To Help You Manage Job Stress

          I'm sure you're wondering, "why does he call these 'tricks'"?  Well, our bodies/mind/spirit are designed to be healthy and happy.  Stress can interfere with that.  We've pretty much been trained to accept stress, because it ain't going nowhere. Especially job stress.  So we end up tolerating much more stress than we should, which negatively impacts our bodies, minds, and spirits.   So these tricks will help you take control of the stress (since much of the work stress is not under your control) that is beating you down.

1. BREATHE! I love to say to people, 'check your breathing'.  You do it now.  Notice that you're not breathing deeply (as we were designed).  As a result, you can't relax; you get tired or bored or distracted because you're not getting enough oxygen to your brain; and you start to get crabby.  When you are at work take a deep breath (or several) throughout the day. It will immediately help counter the effects of stress. It'll be 'like a breath of fresh air!'

2.  REWARD YOURSELF FOR SURVIVING MONDAY.  Mondays are tough for everyone. So much so that we start stressing about it on Sunday. Plan an activity, special lunch or dinner, outing with a friend, a date, after work massage, favorite dessert, something guaranteed to make you feel GREAT.  It gives you something to look forward to as you suffer through the day. You deserve it.

3.  IDENTIFY THE BIGGEST PROBLEM AT YOUR JOB. Pick a favorite song or tune to have available in your head to use when you encounter that situation, or person. Hum the tune (probably best if you hum to yourself) when you need it.  Smile, and allow yourself to enjoy the moment.

4.   ACKNOWLEDGE THE GOOD REASONS THAT YOU STAY AT THIS JOB.  Remember, you're CHOOSING to stay. Likely because the income helps support your family; health benefits; someone's going to college; you like to go out once in a while; you like to shop. Don't focus on the negatives about the job. You'll feel better, less stressed. 

5.  THE WEEK AIN'T OVER ON FRIDAY.  Our lives too often revolve around the job.  Get a life outside of work, and indulge yourself in that from Friday evening to Sunday night.  Don't work on the weekend, even if you usually do work from home. Even though your job is important, it is only a PART of your life. If you lose your job you will get another one. If you were to lose your health, your family, your friends, or your fun you'd be very unhappy. Remember: All work and no play makes for a dull (and stressed out) life. 

                              ~ TO BE CONTINUED ~

Video Games, ... Good and Bad

In my opinion video games are good because they provide hours of enjoyment for people young and old. They can be bad (for young people) for the same reason, "hours of enjoyment," when some of those hours can be spent learning to enjoy activities that have some long term positive benefit. Physical exercise, reading, drawing, playing a musical instrument, cooking, social development (ie. friends), earning money (at home or in the community), conversation, museum visits, etc. But for children to sit and enjoy hours of violent, sometimes sexually provocative, escape from reality, these video games are not good for them. Now, of course we can all use some occasional escapism. But some of these games are just too much for young minds to be exposed to for hours at a time. It has to influence their thinking/feeling some. Anything that a child spends many hours focusing on daily, becoming emotionally involved with, not only influences their thinking, but their behavior. This also goes for the music they listen to, the movies they watch, and internet sites that they visit.

You do not have to cut it all out (unless you have to), but you should be aware of what they are being exposed to in your home and in the homes of their friends. A lot of parents don't think about what their kids may be getting at their friend's house. Figure out how to check that out. And add some balance to your kid's video time. For example, for each hour of video games, an hour of reading or studying. Maybe they earn video game time by doing chores, or by getting good grades. Expose them to other activities, and perhaps participate with them. I don't want to mention any specific games, but I heard this morning about a game that focuses on one person stabbing another, for some reason (?). In today's world, in which so many people have anger (and violence) problems, do we need our kids practicing stabbing (or shooting) vicariously over and over again, day in and day out? How does anyone WIN at that game?

How To Interpret Your Dreams

          I recently saw a tv interview on interpreting dreams, with the author of a new book on the topic. She seemed to use the typical approach, ie. applying general meanings to symbols in the dream. An example of this, and the one I was most annoyed with, is the dream of having your teeth fall out. She says that it means you're doing too much gossiping. That you should keep your (gossipy) words in your mouth, as you should your teeth. I'm not one to take things too literally, but I have had this dream, and I don't gossip (much).

          I use a different approach to dream interpretation. I think the symbols in dreams themselves have meaning specific to the dreamer. So everything, and everyone in the dream is an unconscious representation of some aspect of the dreamer. You are dreaming about it now to help resolve some important issue, propel you towards forward growth, and/or acknowledge a current obstacle in your life that you may not be aware of (or in denial about), like stress. Bad, or scary dreams, seem to me to be mostly stress related. If you can recall your dreams it helps to pay attention to them. Especially recurrent dreams. They seem to be a particularly meaningful message that your unconscious wants your conscious (daily awareness) mind to get. You'll find that once you figure these dreams out, your repeating dream will "move on" to deliver the next message.

          So I do believe that teeth falling out in dreams (or any dream symbols) are most successfully interpreted within the context of the individual's life, including their relationships, goals, stresses, culture, and day-to-day life circumstance. You may wonder, "Michael, why don't you write a book on dreams." Well, believe it or not, I didn't exactly come up with this on my own. Fritz Perls and other Gestalt Psychology theorists laid the groundwork for this type of dream interpretation. I like it. I use it often in my practice, and have had success with it. Try it. It works best when you have someone who knows you, and whom you trust (No, it doesn't have to be a therapist) to help you with it.

DON'T ACCEPT 'LAZINESS'!

          Parents, spouses, and (believe it or not) even teachers sometimes refer to people they bring to counseling as 'lazy.' I have an immediate emotional response, but typically wait to hear their whole story before suggesting that "lazy," as a description of a person, is bogus. I mean, I interpret it as a description of their behavior. It is typically used as a demeaning label, a bad personality trait. To me it means that a person is not doing the work that's expected of them for one reason or another (including the possibility of unrealistic expectations). Those reasons are likely low motivation (ie. not a priority), anger (they don't want to do it because they're angry at you, and won't say why), not accepting of their responsibility to perform the task, or have been given the excuse that "you're lazy" and they want you to continue to take care of them. And that's your reward for allowing someone to get away with being "lazy." YOU have to do it. That's called enabling.

            Now if they come to me and are diagnosed with malingering (or labelled 'lazy'), I want to figure out why this person is not behaving responsibly and what the family or relationship dynamics are that help maintain this behavior. Sometimes it is part of a larger emotional issue, like depression. But often it is a form of communication in which the person (for example a child, or spouse) is passively expressing anger, and/or exerting some control over their life that feels controlled by someone else (like a parent, teacher, or partner). Stop giving them the excuse of laziness, and make some changes in the relationship. Listen more. Negotiate and compromise better. Offer some rewards. Often more loving attention is a valuable incentive. Becoming more controlling by trying to force them into action often has the opposite effect, that is, they get the attention (although it's negative ) but get more stuck in their noncompliant behavior. It's like you're rewarding their "laziness." Help them break this bad habit, and replace it with responsible action. You and they will be much happier.

The Art of Parenting

Parenting is something that we are all capable of. Well, those of us who have kids. Initially it requires a focus on the wellbeing of our offspring, while guiding them to reach their potential. Our role changes as they get older. The amount of involvement parents have in their child's life when the child becomes a teen and then an adult depends on their needs, and yours. And if we don't change how we relate to our child as they age, you will possibly grow apart. Unconditional love is what motivates us to do the work required for good parenting. The parent's creativity, sustained energy, patience and motivation, and the beauty that results from communicating this love is what elevates parenting from 'just a job,' to an art form. That love needs to be communicated in EVERY interaction with our child. This not only includes expressing our joy about their successes, but showing your love by not degrading them when we are disappointed or angry at them. Even if they act like they don't need us.

You can create a loving, nurturing environment for your child by developing a strong bond with them early (or later) in life. This will help them trust and rely on your influence, and input in their life. Of course there's no handbook that tells you what to do to be the "perfect" parent. However, your unconditional love expressed through good communication (especially LISTENING), will go a long way in helping you master the art of (good) parenting.

Go Ahead, Be A Valentine! (reprinted)

As you know, I think relationships and the role of love in relationships are very important. Healthy happy relationships help keep you strong. They can actually help you live longer. A bad relationship, especially a close one, can kill ya. I've written a lot here over the past 2 years about this topic. So rather than repeat myself, I thought that I'd list the references to my previous discussions below, and encourage you to review them for Valentines Day.

1. "If You Were In Her Shoes" 1/18/09

2. "Consider Forgiveness" 5/22/08

3. " Love Is In The Air" 1/28/08

4. "Forgiveness, ... Easier Said Than Done?" 10/1/07

5. "All You Need Is Love" 9/22/07

6. "A Happy Marriage Helps Relieve Stress" 6/25/07


However for those of you who want the summarized version, I give you this (and enjoy the holiday):

Roses are red.

Violets are blue.

Today SHOW some love,

for a Happier, Healthier you.

IT'S 'RESOLUTION' TIME AGAIN...

It is time for us to consider "New Year's Resolutions."  Even though many of us have gotten over the 'resolution' thing, a new year can't really start without us at least considering what we might want to do differently in 2014. 

I do think it's a good thing to periodically reflect on where we are in life.  How happy we are. Do we need to consider making some changes in order to be happier? And you don't have to wait until the new year comes around.  You should be monitoring your overall mood, and personal growth throughout the year.

The tradition is to make a list of 10 New Year's Resolutions.  That's likely a reason that many of us skip this annual tradition.  10 can be a lot, unless you're really messed up (just kidding!).  I suggest that you look at a couple of things in your life, for example, relationships (personal and professional), health (exercise and diet), what I like to call "excesses" (alcohol, drugs, food, spending, internet), spirituality.  See if there's room for improvement.  Usually there is.  Then identify a goal (for example, to exercise 3-4 times per week), and start with a baby-step (a walk on the beach on the weekend). 

That's how you do it.  Let me know if you need some help, and have a HAPPY 2014.

See my earlier postings on New Year's Resolutions: Two Thousand Eleven, 12/12/10; No Resolutions For 2010, 1/1/10; A New Year's Jingle, 12/22/08; T'was The Night After Christmas (Parts 1 and 2), 12/2/07 and 12/12 07. 

Fix Your Anger, Now

I counsel a lot of people who have anger problems, both young and old. People throw tantrums, scream and shout, break things, shoot. People get hurt. Too often your anger hurts others. Fortunately, a lot of people are sorry about how they may have hurt someone as a result of their anger. Unfortunately their regret typically doesn't cause them to do anything about changing it. Most often someone else (a partner, parent, close friend, or legal authorities) forces them to come for help. There is a lot that can be done to help you express your anger in a healthy, appropriate way, getting the message across much more effectively than when you might 'lose it.' Let me also say, that I help people who have difficulty expressing anger (and other feelings) at all. Maybe afraid of confrontation. Many of them end up getting taken advantage of, or holding it in and getting depressed. Or holding it in until you "explode." Let's look at learning to manage your anger so it works for you.

First of all anger is a normal emotion. So you have to be able to get angry, and acknowledge it. Become aware of the situations that tend to trigger your anger. A lot of people report that it comes over them suddenly, "before I know it..." If you learn the situations that trigger your anger you can be better prepared when those situations arise. Anger expression becomes a habit for us. If it's bad angry behavior, then it's a habit that you want to break (and replace with a good one!).

I teach RELAXATION BREATHING, breathing deeply into your stomach (see my posting of 3/11/11, Take A Moment, ..... BREATHE, and Youtube video), as a tool to help you break the bad habit, and learn to manage your anger the way you should. Your angry behavior typically occurs at the end of a chain of events. Some of which you may not even be aware of that contribute to it. If you are having a stressful day, or something at work triggers some anger that you can't express there, then there may be some unexpressed build-up that gets unleashed elsewhere. Or perhaps you're an angry person with a lifetime of "build-up," and certain situations more easily push you over the angry "edge." Learn as much as possible about your reactions, especially the chain of events and the triggers that provoke your anger. BREATHING at any point along that chain helps stop the build-up. At whatever point you actually feel yourself getting angry, BREATHE and redirect your energy towards an appropriate expression of your feelings, or towards a calming thought/memory (I sometimes suggest carrying around a picture of your grandchild, or a pet, something that brings an immediate smile to your face). If you are in the middle of a conflict that escalates to anger, BREATHE and it won't get out of control. You may have to leave the argument, and return to resolve it when you've gotten under better control. It is important to return to resolve it, or you can keep having the same argument over and over again.

If you are using your anger as a weapon in your relationships, or as a tool to control others, get help. If you are using your anger to avoid other feelings that make you feel vulnerable or weak (like sadness, fear) then learn to understand those feelings and yourself better. You'll feel better. Lastly, don't beat yourself up because you've developed some bad habits. There are reasons for the habits that we develop that often we had no choice about, because a lot starts in childhood. However, you are an adult now, and you DO have choices. Don't continue to choose to hurt your self and those around you by letting your anger make you "mad."

Reprinted from 2011

Other postings by me on this subject include: Communication: Learn How To Fight (5/21/12), and What Are You So Mad About (5/12/10).

 

OH, HOW RUDE!! (reprint)

How many times have you said this, or at least thought it? Too many times. Especially lately. It seems like rudeness is getting worse. Me and the wife (it's not rude to refer to her as "the wife," is it?) are having some lunch at the local Whole Foods. Not your ritzy restaurant, but you gotta eat. This woman was having a loud cell phone conversation standing a few feet away. C'mon! Our dirty looks didn't work. Without thinking too much about it, I started speaking loudly to my lovely wife. The rude woman couldn't hear who she was talking to on her phone. She huffed, and took it outside. Did she learn anything? Probably not. Did Linda and I exchange a hearty fist bump (and a good laugh)? We sure did.

I find that I have to tolerate so much rudeness nowadays. I try to find opportunities to fight back (politely). I implore you to help fight this terrible trend in our country. I do it mostly by being nice to and considerate of people, when I can. By ignoring a lot of what unmannerly, selfish people do. And then occasionally just refusing to tolerate it (like we did at Whole Foods). I was reading a Psychology Today (December, 2009) on this topic. There was a suggestion that the advances in technology are partly responsible. Cell phones, e-mail, the internet including social networks (like MySpace, and Facebook) do offer a lot more opportunities to be rude, even anonymously. But it's PEOPLE who are rude. We are responsible for our rudeness. And just because it's easier now, and so many people do it, you are not relieved of your responsibility to display good manners, be courteous, and, yes, to even be kind to your fellow human beings.

I don't care if it's your culture (to not say thank you for a door held open for you), or if it's a child (that you speak rudely to), or you think you have a good reason (to flip someone off who beeped their car horn to avoid an accident with you while you were on your cell phone or texting, and not paying attention). Be Respectful.

Remember how connected everyone felt after 9/11? Flying flags and being nice to each other. Proud to be an American. Love and brotherhood were in the air. Well the air is stinking with rudeness now. Here's an idea (I don't think it's new). Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.

One last thing: Telephone solicitors who call every Sunday evening at dinner time need to stop it. HOW RUDE!